Let us just forget the fact that I paid $21 for my wife and
I to go to the cinema. We can bitch about how much movies cost or the cost of
concessions in another article. I hate the movies because of stupid parents!

I paid $21 for two adult movie tickets. We chose the 9:00pm
showing because we are adults and were hoping to avoid children. We chose a PG
13 movie, so at least there was a better chance that the movie material was
adult content and not a cartoon. We were out on an adult evening of
entertainment.

Please tell me why, I spent 2hrs and 30 min. sitting next to
a 7 year old girl, and my wife sat next to a 6 year old boy.

To our right, my side, were three siblings, the oldest of
which was 14 at best. Two brothers, and one little sister, and I was actually
very proud of how very protective the older brothers were of their younger
sister. No adult supervision! They were well behaved, but who leave three kids,
under the age of 15, at a movie that gets out 11:30pm, on a Saturday night.

To our left, my wife’s side was a family of five, three kids
all under the age of 10. Mom and dad were able to smuggle in happy meals for everyone,
and they started eating even before the previews started. One child went
immediately asleep after eating, and was never a factor for the entire show.
The other two boys were so hyped up on fat and sugar that they fought, walked
around, chatted loudly and played for the entire movie. Mom and dad ignored them,
and had a cuddly date night.

To the front and rear of us were dueling crying babies, who
screamed every time the sound effects made a big bang. The theater was filled
to near capacity with college students, from the local university. Who never
hesitated or begged pardon for the copious amount of profanity that spewed from
their volume challenged lips. This, as an adult, I can deal with and can expect
to hear, but a parent should not want their children exposed to such.  

I hate the F*cking movies!

Bay Area "film recycler" Bryan Boyce unleashes upon an invariably unprepared world his "re-imagineering" of Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver that tracks a "Mickey Mouse-obsessed Travis Bickle as he looks for love in a rapidly transforming New York City."

Patton Oswalt calls Walt Disney's Taxi Driver "turbo-jet genius," so now you pretty much have to watch it.

By: Robert Evans

Hollywood wants you dead. We said it. We don't know why. We don't know what they could possibly gain from it, but it's true all the same. Hollywood has been teaching you lessons about guns for decades and decades. Hollywood wants you to build your entire understanding of guns based on the gun tropes they parade in all of their movies. Hollywood wants these gun rules ingrained so deeply in you that you apply these lessons in real life. Even though doing so will kill you.

That's right. All of the lessons Hollywood has taught you about guns are wrong.

Dead wrong

I awoke to burning sinuses, a sore throat and a hacking cough. I have not been this sick in years. My loving wife, took the day off to take care of me, like the baby I was acting. She brought me my childhood sick meal, buttered toast and canned spaghetti and meat balls. She turned on our TV and there it was. An old childhood friend, my teacher, my joy and the greatest children's show ever , Sesame street.

Not the new heavily Elmoed stuff, but old 70's and 80's Sesame street episodes that I watched personally as a kid. All the characters and songs were familiar. I felt like a kid again for about fifteen minutes, and then my adult mind kicked in. That adult mind ruined a lot of childhood delusions for me, and possibly destroyed Sesame street for me forever.

My adult mind, noticed that Mr. Hooper never sold anything from his store. Oscar the grouch had a train, a zoo, a waterfall, a plane, and numerous parties in his garbage can, but no evident job. My adult mind thought that Oscar was the local drug dealer and Mr. Hooper's store was his front. Once my mind had established these as fact, other aspects of Sesame street started to fall into place as well. Big bird was obviously a junkie, evident by his Mr. Snuffleupagus hallucinations, his proximity to Oscar's can and his constant attempts at being Oscar's friend, no matter how bad he treated the bird. Luis, the struggling musician, was also a junkie who lived above Mr. Hooper's store and never actually had a job. Cookie monster was a classical addict, and we have yet to know what was in those cookies. Grover was a heroin addict who occasionally thought he had super powers and could fly. The Count was obviously the money man, the accountant and possibly a pimp as well.

If you really think about it, sesame street had some real social issues that were being played out on that small city block. What do you think? Anything about the show looks different to your now adult mind? 

Times Square - Dick Clark has no intention of resting in peace. The television pioneer has brushed off the massive heart attack which led to his death earlier this week, and is busy planning his traditional New Year's Eve broadcast from New York's Times Square.

"Funniest thing. I was at the doctor for my weekly heart exam," Clark said. "He gave me a 95 for the beat, which I thought was pretty good. 'A Hard Days Night' only got an 86, and that was the damn Beatles for God sakes.

Washington - Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus returns to TV starring in the HBO political comedy "Veep." The new series highlights fictional character Selina Meyer as she moves from the Senate floor to the office of Vice President.

In "Veep," Dreyfus plays the role of a Vice President that almost immediately begins to realize she has no real power in her new position. Meyer (Dreyfus) finds herself getting pushed around by nearly everyone in her new job, from lawmakers on Capital Hill to the President of the United States himself.

Given mostly menial tasks to perform by the (so-far-unseen) president. Meyer uses her wit, constant swearing and her transparently veiled desire to become president to muddle her way through the daily grind. Meyer is aided in her struggle by vice presidential chief of staff Ann (played by Anna Clumsky) and her right-hand man Gary (played by Tony Hale.)

Created by Armando Iannucci and Simon Blackwell, the new scripted comedy made its premier Wednesday night at the U.S. Institute of Peace in Washington, DC making it the second HBO screening held in DC in the past month. The other was "Game Change" which hosted a star studded gala event in early March.

While on the red carpet Wednesday Dreyfus told reporters she had spoken to a number of former vice presidents while preparing for the role, although, she declined to identify which ones.

The actress also commented on the notion of life imitating art, saying: "I will never get involved in politics, I really like to entertain. I like to get laughs. And I think if you like to get laughs, maybe politics isn't your best place."

"Veep" will air April 22 at 10 p.m. on HBO.

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

The great Elmore James first recorded this (way back in 1961). ~ I think it's as irrelevant today as it ever was. ~ It's been covered by many artists since then. ~ For your listening pleasure (or moment of discontent) I present my own (karaoke) cover of it here! Enjoy!

The fan-based youth movement is recruiting the satirist and talk show host to launch a national conversation about the almost 50 percent jobless rate among America’s young people, beginning with a massive nationwide rally. They just haven't told Colbert yet.

 It's time for Wicked Pissah Tuna and here in Gloucester we are very excited to see our local fishermen turned celebrities on the tv. Unfortunately one group of fishermen have been left behind during all of the fun.... the herring fishermen. Accused for over a decade of making tuna too difficult to catch by bothering the herring (Which is repeatedly stated to be harmful to the tuna population......It is somehow harmful when a tuna isn't killed...If you figure that one out let me know.) The sustainable herring fishermen are scorned again with new restrictions and regulations while America celebrates and rewards over-fishing and catching endangered fish.

 Apparently all one must do is sell out to the wealthy foundations and it all comes together, rights to catch endangered fish in contravention of US law, all of the lawyers, liars and media gasbags to help with any problems, and a good green washing by donation seeking publications that used to have credibility. The environmental movement isn't dead it has just been sold to the highest bidder. So party on America and enjoy the show.

 Disclaimer:

 The magazine cover is for amusement purposes only. There is no magazine called National Geographic Enquirer and any similiarities to actual publications is entirely coincidental. This article is not meant to tarnish the reputation of credible publications like the National Enquirer. All graphic depictions of tuna boats..

• Running Over Whales
• Littering The Ocean
• Killing Small Tuna and Throwing Them Back
• Killing Too Many Tuna and Keeping The Ones That Will Fetch The Highest Price While Slipping The Others Over The Side

     .... are for the purpose of amusement. Those things probably never happen (wink~~wink)

 Happy April Fool's Day

 The image in this article is all rights reserved.

borowitz and his satire strikes again

A clip from last night's (3/23/12) Realtime with Bill Maher.

by Phillip Smith

"Even the wonkiest of drug policy reformers can't spend all their time reading policy proposals, research results, and desert-dry academic treatises, but Reefer Movie Madness is much more than a mere guilty pleasure. Penned by former High Times editor and Celebstoner.com proprietor Steve Bloom and former High Times intern turned entertainment writer Shirley Halperin, Reefer Movie Madness is not only a most excellent guide to stoner filmdom, it also maps the cultural acceptance of marijuana in America through film history.

A follow-up to the pair's well-done, comprehensive compendium of all things cannabinical, Pot Culture, Reefer Movie Madness profiles more than 700 films that are about marijuana, feature marijuana in key scenes, feature other drugs, or just plain a gas to watch stoned. The films are ranked via a five-star rating system, and the authors demonstrate exquisite taste and filmic knowledge in their rankings (meaning that their tastes agreed with mine)."

Below is a refresher course for drinking as we all need to brush up on our skills once in a while.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

A few twists on old sayings. If you have one, give it up in a post! Feel free to twist THESE, as well!

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life!

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll never go to work again!

To err is human. To REALLY @!$%# things up, use a computer.

What happens in Vegas lives forever on Facebook.

If at first you don't succeed, give the task to a woman.

If a man is alone in the forest and utters a statement, and there is no woman to hear him, he is still wrong.

To understand all is to know what you need to sue!

Last weekend I received a call from my daughter with a request to help with a car dealership where she had just purchased a vehicle. The dealership had originally paid off the vehicle she traded in, then stopped payment on the check, then lost the next check, and so on. She was being forced to make a payment on the vehicle she no longer had so that it would not go against her credit rating and was quite upset. It is nice to know your kids still have a need for you once in awhile even if it is just to take someone to task. I called the dealership and after a couple of days of going back and forth with some very incompetant people finally managed to get things resolved, although it will still take a couple more weeks between the bank and dealership to post everything correctly. As I sat down this afternoon to draft a complaint letter for her (kind of my specialty as I was a General Manager for several years), I pulled out an inspirational letter that I keep in my files. In 2005, I spent 6 months in the UK overseeing the operations of a business and found this letter in a British paper. Each year the paper publishes the top complaint letters of the year. The British do have a way with words and take great pride in crafting letters to get their points across in a unique way. After reading my inspirational letter and completing the complaint letter for my daughter, I thought I would share this with everyone as undoubtedly there will be a time in your life that you may do as I do and pull it from your files for inspiration.

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were @!$%#, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

T1Truth

It is easy and Free, Join Newsvine Now:

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By: Henrik Laine February 27, 2012

"Hollywood may be a soulless machine of sequels, prequels, remakes and ripoffs, but there are some movies that even they won't touch -- some because they are undisputed classics that would only be cheapened by a sequel, and some because there's simply no rational way to continue the story.

Well, it turns out that if they've left those movies alone, it's not for lack of trying. Here are six absolutely real and completely insane proposed sequels that were fortunately never made:"

How you eat an Oreo can tell a lot about your personality. Please take the challenge. Read the first screen, then please fill out the poll to the right. After you have completed the poll you may scroll down to view your psychological assessment by the choice you made. No cheating now. Do not look at your profile first! (We need to get as many respondents as possible to publish the findings in a meaningful way for an upcoming article. Please help.) 

T1Truth

It is easy and Free, Join Newsvine Now:

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well done especially the one for the help

According to Capitol Hill sources, Representative Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for drinks after work, was not, in fact, his friend.

"Steve used to call all the time to catch up and ask about my family and chat about the genetically modified feedstock industry, but now, nothing," said Schilling, who admitted he was still struggling to accept that all their "good times" together at Washington steak houses and nightclubs had not been part of a sincere friendship. "He was such a likable guy—sociable, funny, and he always somehow managed to find great seats to sold-out concerts."

"I thought we were really tight," Schilling added. "But now I can't help but think he was just using me to get stricter seed-patent protections."

According to Schilling, the two first met at a Republican Party fundraiser last spring and "hit it off" immediately. The congressman was surprised to discover Fischer seemed to share his interests in deep-sea fishing, soybean crop insurance, and Big Ten basketball, and recalled in particular how the lobbyist was impressed by Schilling's position on the House Agriculture Committee.

From there, Schilling said, the high-paid employee of Cargill and Archer Daniels Midland began frequently taking him out to exclusive Washington restaurants and to his private lux­ury box at Baltimore Orioles games, leading Schilling to believe he had found a genuine, affable buddy.

"Sure, I found it unusual that Steve always asked me about the progress of alfalfa silage tax credits and would casually suggest potato-crop insect-management earmarks, but I never thought twice about it," the congressman said. "I just assumed he was curious about my work. Maybe it sounds na•ve, but when a guy does something really nice, like fly you out to Pebble Beach for 18 holes, you just assume he's your friend."

Former superstar Cher has fallen victim to a bogus Tweet, which announced that she had passed away last Thursday. It appears that the 65-year-old singer/actress has no way of proving that she is indeed still alive.

“Cher hasn’t done anything worthwhile since giving permission to Chastity to become Chaz,” said a leading film producer...

A very funny interview with Maurice Sendak and a little satire about children and his children's books.

Dear Betty,
You look so fantastic and full of energy, I can’t believe you’re 90 years old. In fact, I don’t believe it.
That’s why I’m writing to ask if you will produce a copy of your long-form birth certificate.
Thanks, and happy birthday, no matter how old you are.

Hollywood, California - CBS has launched a fourth version of its Crime Scene Investigation series, but with a twist. This time, the show plays forensics for fun, with members of America’s least talented but most publicized showbiz family filling the starring roles.

Each week, “CSI: Kardashian” places Kourtney, Kim and Khloé on the scene of a fresh  Hollywood homicide.  There’s blood, there’s tension, there’s tears, there’s chaos. But instead of solving the crime, the girls delve into their personal problems, providing their unique “reality” view of professional crime-fighting.

For instance in Episode 1, “Kim Breaks a Nail,” we learn...

Borowitz nails it again

This article was originally posted on the blog Stuff Smart People Like.

I finally finished this collection of writing the other day. The last third did not offer anything in the way of redeeming value. That being said, I'll just summarize it up with a few main critiques as to why people should not read this book, much less require it as reading in a COLLEGE level class. Looks like the football team isn't the only shameful thing in Columbus.

I can't take full credit for my first big critique. This was first summarized on The Oatmeal's site a couple years ago. That point is that Bella's character is intentionally vague and nondescript. We know nothing about her except that she's whiny, and apparently just sucks at life in general. This point is so blatant that you have to assume that Meyer wrote it that way so that every 12-16 year old girl who listens to Dashboard Confessional and hates life at middle/high school can insert themselves into Bella's character. For the life of me I can't understand why; the only thing worse than reading about Bella would actually imagine beingher. I'd rather shoot myself in the face.

Related to this critique is the notion that Bella is a bit of an anachronism. She has no desire in life besides being devoted to Edward. College? Career? What for? She'd rather be at home barefoot, sparkly, and fat with vampire spawn in her banal belly. Apparently in the Twilight universe, the feminism movement never happened and the image of the 50's housewife lived on. I wonder if Meyer will throw in a reference to Joseph McCarthy eventually becoming president in a future book. But I digress; is this what young girls (and middle-aged women) look for in a female role model? For these women, please read something better, like The Hunger Games. It's well-written, and the lead character actually has a personality that is not hopelessly pathetic.

In closing, I will say one good thing about Twilight. It's actually better than the movie. Yes, I did watch the movie way back when I was trying to be a supportive boyfriend. That's two hours of my life I will never get back. I will also never be able to get the worst movie line I've ever heard out of my head. "Hold on tight spider-monkey." It was almost like they approached screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg and asked her "Is there anyway you can make this @!$%#tier than the book?" To which her reply was "Are you kidding me, I wrote the screenplay for Step Up, @!$%#ty is my middle name, right after Anne."

So, that's it for my reading of Twilight. If anyone has read the remaining books in this series and wants to give us a brief synopsis of each, let me know and we'll publish it. I'm done with this self-flagellation and will not be reading them unless someone pays me a substantial sum of money.

I thought this was hilarious since all the houses are being decorated for the season! I thank my neighbors for the giggle.

This two-minute mockumentary may have the answer. It was produced by BAMPA -- the Barely Any Motion Picture Association.

(Text link to video)

WASHINGTON—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia recused himself from a capital murder case heard Monday, acknowledging his impartiality could be called into question due to the double homicide he committed in 1986. "Considering my own brutal murder of two innocent people 25 years ago, there are some who might cast doubt upon the court were I to help decide this defendant's guilt or innocence," Scalia said in reference to the incident in which he viciously beat and murdered two elderly owners of a mom-and-pop convenience store before placing their dismembered remains in plastic trash bags and throwing them off a bridge. "While I person­ally believe myself capable of ruling on this matter without bias, judicial propriety dictates I disqualify myself."

Amman:  Al-Arabica, the favoured newspaper of Amman supermarket shoppers, has reported that a Jordanian tourist, while basking in the sun at the Alhambra Resort, located on the Eastern shore of the Dead Sea, spotted an Israeli submarine periscope protruding from the water and peering at him.  He could tell it was Israeli because the tip of the periscope appeared to have been removed.  The tourist, by the name of Ali Mohan, reported his find to an Al-Arabica reporter when they met for a cup of coffee.  Al-Arabica reporters always drink coffee. The shape and size of the periscope as described by Mohammed indicated that it belonged to the new secret ZION class submarine, which, according to Professor Mustafa of the Ali-Baba Institute of Marine Technology, is capable of firing off 18 cruise missiles with atomic warheads (just before he was hung for writing the word ZION).. 

Upon hearing this news, President Ahmajerksobad of Iran said that the Zionist Regime will stop at nothing, even disguising a submarine as a giant pickle in brine.  “The only thing that could keep that submarine underwater in the Dead Sea (wherein the buoyancy is immense)” said Professor Mustafa, “is if it were loaded with a full compliment of atomic warhead-tipped cruise missiles.”  Moman Abbasinia of the PLO announced that this would not stop the Palestinian’s drive to obtain the totally meaningless vote of the United Nations for Statehood.  Queen Moor, being a movie buff, thought that the pickle, er...submarine might have been commanded by Captain Sean Connerbergsky, formerly of the Red October, since he usually pilots new concept submarines.

When asked about this discovery, Defence Minister Brubak said that Israel would find itself in a pickle (or was that would find a pickle) if such a story were true because all of Israel's submarines were deployed elsewhere.  He thought it was a dilly of a story, but wasn't sure if it were old or new.

It is anticipated that as this story develops it will become more well known by the public, especially when it has been picked up by Al-Guardian, Veterans Today, Al-Jazeera and The New York Times.

It seems to me that almost everything I've read from cracked.com has me laughing out loud.  Here's another one for everyone to enjoy.

This is the first of three or four Holiday writing challenges most of them satirical innature

I'd like you to write a story from the perspective or point of view Santa's wife. If you can make it funny, great. If not, that's ok too. I'm hoping the concept itself can bring out some silliness.

what's her life like? what does she do when he flies around the world? when he's helping make the toys?Is she naughty or nice?

Basically,

All I want for Christmas is my two front tee, er, wait...

All I want for Christmas is for some Newsviners to join me in writing some satire pieces about Thanksgiving and some satire pieces about Christmas.

Below is an index of the satire pieces I've written at newsvine, starting with a list of holiday satire pieces I've done.

Hopefully, those can help spark some ideas for you - if not, I'm available to help brainstorm either through posts below or via email. When you have written a satire piece post a link to it below and I and others will come read and comment on it. Try to make it at least 200 words long.

Lets compare Thanksgiving memories and traditions

and talk about what you are thankful for this year

and christmas memories and traditions including about Santa Claus

and make up some new Christmas rhymes, Newsvine-style

Holiday-related satires

Weakly World News Exclusive: Santa's Surprise Stalker Scandal!

Weakly World News Exclusive: Blitzen Report Says Drug Use Rampant At the North Pole

Santa Threatens Legal Action, Scoop Intervenes

12 Potential Holiday Songs About Newsviners Or Newsvine Trends

Frosty So Hot He's Melting Over Snub As Obama Instead Names Santa To Head Homeland Security

Why Santa Had That Doctor's Appointment Monday Night

Other satires

A Very Special Breaking News Report on Paris Hilton

A Template For Writing Letters to Penthouse

Fifteen Ways to Ruin a Job Interview

Hallmark Cards As Written by Bill O'Reilly

Relationship Advice

Five Things I Can Tell You From Past Experience Not to Say to Civil War Reenactors

Satire: The (James) Frey Area Exposed

The True Story of Johnny and Beta Fish Cash

Scott's Advice On Spam Email Etiqutte
http://sbutki.newsvine.com/_news/2007/04/15/665767-scotts-advice-on-spam-email-etiquette

Stereotypes of Newspaper Reporters Are Right?

Stop With All the Damn Emails About My Genitals

Newsvine As Algebra - A Concept Piece
http://sbutki.newsvine.com/_news/2007/08/01/872425-newsvine-as-algebra-a-concept-piece

My 8-Step Program For Leaving Newsvine To Experience the So-Called "Real Life"

McCain's VP Pick Was a Practical Joke Gone Awry

Ten Reasons Life Should Come With An Undo Button

Five Ways To Annoy People On Elevators

Elvis Presley Announces He Has Bought MSNBC So He Can Buy Newsvine

I previously indexed my writing advice pieces here

I put here, as part of the 2010 Reading Challenge, all my book reviews and author interviews.

and here mywith the 2010 movie challenge I included an index of my movie reviews and interviews

Russell Dominic Peters (born September 29, 1970) is an Indo-Canadian comedian, actor and disc jockey. He began performing in Toronto in 1989 and has been nominated for four Gemini Awards.

Russell Peters' stand-up performances are mostly made up of observational comedy where he uses humour to poke fun at the subjects of race, class and culture, often using his own life experiences as well as impersonations of different cultural accents to illustrate his act. Russell Peters uses his minority status to allow him to poke fun at different races in his performance, but according to an interview done for The National, he does not intend to put down or offend different races and cultures, but instead tries to raise them up through humour.

(LINK)

You really must open and read this article.  My eyes were tearing up from laughing so hard out loud. 

OK, it's fake. It's a heavily edited video from the 1980's series "Night Flight," but it's hilarious, and dripping with irony.

Jim Carrey in In Living Color

LA: Lindsay Lohan, the fallen child star who had leading roles in "The Parent Trap", "Mean Girls", and "Why People Shouldn't Drink and Drive", entered the morgue for her first day of community service and was seen running from the building 5 minutes later by the residents inside. Lohan had shown up 40 minutes late for her community service and was shown out right away by about 15 of the recently dead who did not want her anywhere near their bodies.

"I just died peacefully in my sleep and I do not want my honor tainted by that girl." says Mary Elizabeth Smith, who passed away yesterday at the age of 90, "I do not want her near my body. Let me rest in peace!"

another resident was also voiced his opinion, "I thought death was supposed to be easy, but no one told me I had to run after people before I went to heaven."

Lohan is expected to return next week after all of the residents are buried. According to the alive-person in charge, she shouldn't expect trouble if she shows up on time.

Strong arms enfold me from behind, it is Moosie and his skin is as silky and hairless as always. Underneath, his muscles are strong and cut like diamonds. Overcome by his splendor, I fainted right there. I came to consciousness lying upon a pile of soft baby rabbit hide blankets on fresh cedar boughs. Moosie's strong sensuous lips tracing a pattern around my neck. I arched my back and waited for him to apply his trademark hickey. And waited and waited. I squinted my eyes open a little to see to my amazement; Moosie was taking out his top choppers! Ack!!! He quickly tucked his dentures away in a cheap Indian Health Service container, sneaked a peek at me, and inserted another set of dentures that had the front left tooth missing.  

I saw a sign too - it had a picture of Moosie on it and "Do you know this man?" was written on it. Apparently he owes for some double-horse parking fines and not picking up after his horses' business ends. How Chippical. But since no one can predict where he will ever show up, no one turned him in to the Rezberry Riders who surely have better things to do, like swarming a Rez house where there was an alleged 'mooning' of the neighbors.

After the hard hitting news broke that Nazis, Communists and Radical Jihadist all backed occupy wall street, Ivan the Terrible returned from the grave today to pledge his support for the movement.  Saying: "First I get Night at the Museum II and now this?!?!  What a country!!"

The OWS crowd where delighted to hear that Ivan was joining them.

"This is fantastic!", said one protester, "He conquered Kazan at age 22, this cat knows a thing or two about occupation."

How Ivan the Terrible plans on successfully joining forces with the Nazis, Communists and Jihadist has yet to unfold, but we're told he may be calling on Emperor Hirohito for assistance. 

Stay tuned to find out which nefarious characters will be supporting Occupy Wall St next!!

Written by Ricey Wild,

I am absolutely astonished by what some people pay big money for. Just this past December an American flag was sold for 2.2 million dollars at a Sotheby’s auction. Of course it wasn’t just any old flag; it was one of five carried into battle in 1876 by the 7th U.S. Cavalry at Little Bighorn. Yup. The battle that is described in American history as “infamous” because the Indians rolled in and kicked Whitey’s asses. Well, the victor’s did much more than that of course and afterward took the flags as souvenirs

As featured on Tuesday's "Onion News Network" on IFC, President Obama is back on top after cleaning the clock of a smug Wall Street banker.

See what happens when you leave your computer running all night.

The Rick Perry family hunting camp once had a racially charged name, but many presidents have vacationed at questionably named resorts.

It's been a big week for Rosie O'Donnell, who is starting up her show on once-rival Oprah Winfrey's new TV network, OWN. Oprah, who has had a much more successful career and has achieved levels unimaginable to all other talk show hosts bar Ellen, approached Rosie earlier in the year and landed her as one of the first shows on her network.

Earlier this week, Rosie announced that Russell Brand, a minor celebrity that no one cares about, will be the first guest on Rosie's new show. There was a lot of media hype surrounding the announcement, which led many to believe that this show has a chance of becoming successful, which would be a first for Ms. O'Donnell. However, all that media hype, combined with yet another picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez within 500 meters of each other, overshadowed the real news for Rosie, who published a complete list of guests yesterday.

Following the episode with Mr. Brand, the list for week 1 goes as follows:

1. A Wedding Cake: Rosie will interview a 4-tier wedding cake and then eat it.
2. Buddy Valestro from Carlo's Bakery, who will be interviewed before he bakes a cake for Rosie, who will then eat it.
3. The neighbor of Snooki: because Rosie isn't at a Snooki-level yet.
4. Rush Limbaugh: will be interviewed and then will compete with Rosie in a cake eating contest to see who can eat a 6 layer cake in the shortest amount of time.
5. The Sugar Plum Fairies: Rosie will interview the sugar plum fairies from some show and then try really hard to not eat them.
6. The Annoying Orange: Rosie will do a youtube-styled interview in a last ditch attempt to generate an audience. After the interview, Rosie plans to eat an orange-flavored cake in his honor.
7. Due to lack of interest and ratings and a flat-lining audience stuck at 0, the Rosie show will no longer air new episodes. Rosie will be given a 10 foot tall cake as a severance package.

Lindley Armstrong "Spike" Jones (December 14, 1911 – May 1, 1965) was a musician and bandleader specializing in performing satirical arrangements of popular songs. Ballads and classical works receiving the Jones treatment would be punctuated with gunshots, whistles, cowbells, and outlandish vocals. Through the 1940s and early 1950s, the band recorded under the title Spike Jones and his City Slickers and toured the United States and Canada under the title The Musical Depreciation Revue.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_Jones

There was this poor little mouse living in a house.  It was poor because instead of doing anything to better its situation it kept itself busy reading up about ways to bother the cat, spending its time trying to devise methods to hurt the cat, so it had no time to make its own cheese or go get some and had to rely on its friends and relatives and even strangers to keep it fed. Every once in a while, when the cat was sleeping, the mouse snuck up to the cat and stuck a needle in its behind and scrambled back into its hole. The cat was angry because it was being poked all the time by the mouse. Although the mouse’s house was very comfortable it wasn’t happy that it wasn’t a palace so it told everyone he was kept prisoner in a dungeon so everyone would feel sorry for it.  It had rich relatives who made it lots of promises of support, but wouldn’t come through.

Nearby there lived a distant relative of the mouse, it was a big rat who took great pity on the little mouse, and promised that it would get rid of the cat that lived in the house.  The rat bragged to all its friends about what it would do to the cat, but when it came down to it, the rat didn’t have the nerve to go near the cat.  As well there was a very old wise rabbit that lived nearby who told the mouse that perhaps it should make a deal with the cat, and stop poking it as long as the cat allowed the mouse to spend some time in part of the house and go get some cheese when it needed it.  However, the mouse was lazy and did not want to make that effort, nor was it happy that it couldn’t have the run of the whole house, so no deal was made

Because the rat didn’t help at all, and the mouse wouldn’t make a deal with the cat, it went to a meeting of its friends and relatives, almost all of whom sympathized with it, but at the meeting there were also some cats who knew the only reason.the mouse had a problem was because it would not make a deal with the cat.  However, the majority at the meeting, made up solely of the other mice and rats, decided that they would draw up a proclamation that would tell the cat that the mouse was to have the run of the house. 

The proclamation was shown to the cat by the old wise rabbit, whom the cat respected, and the cat went into a fit of laughter and said that the mouse should prove that it will no longer bother the cat, in which case it would not cause the mouse a problem.  But unfortunately, the mouse could not help itself but to continue to bother the cat, and so, even with that proclamation signed by all its friends and relatives it was no better off.

To be continued after September 23^rd..

Lewis black takes a look at good and bad arsenic and wonders what makes Chaz Bono more controversial than a bunch of criminals and freaks.

This evening on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart gently poked fun at Barack Obama‘s recent speech regarding taxes (“This is not class warfare. It’s math.”) by confirming that one can never go wrong appealing to Americans’ love of math.

Then, he poked slightly-than-gentle fun at Louisiana Sen. John Fleming‘s (R) recent comments about “only” having $600,000 with which to feed his family after taxes. And only $400,000 after feeding them! Those Flemings must be downright ravenous.

What sort of accountant, Stewart wondered, would have advised Fleming — who owns a chain of Subway restaurants — to pay income tax on money he would be reinvesting into his business, as he had claimed? Not to mention that $200,000 equates to 400,000 feet of Subway sandwich! (With extra banana peppers at no extra charge, thank goodness.) Plus, he asked, do we really need more Subways? (Yes?)

And, of course, Stewart wouldn’t be doing his job if he didn’t comment on Bill O’Reilly‘s recent threat to leave his Fox News show if taxes are raised. He seemed crushed, truly, particularly because O’Reilly is merely looking out for a dying breed — the reclusive and elusive United States millionaire.

In Bill Maher’s mind, a typical Republican voter resides in a bubble, literally.

On a new episode of Real Time with Bill Maher Friday evening, the comedian thrashed the GOP as usual, focusing on climate change deniers like Rick Perry in the show’s latest installment. Maher felt the media needed to call those still in opposition to the science “climate @!$%#s.”

Have you heard the latest craze? The next "flagpole sitting" or "phone booth stuffing"? Have yyou ever tried it? I don't plan to, but I can report about it anyway. It's not that world-wide phenomenon, "planking". It's almost the same, but ten times stupider.

For those of you who are not culturally up-to-date, "planking" is the act of imitating a wooden board in the most inconvenient place to everyone else, usually resting on top of two objects, like a wooden plank (hence the word "planking". The craze has already claimed one victim.

Here are some images of planking, to give you the idea:

The most infamous example of planking may in fact be known to the average person on Newsvine: the LA riots, otherwise known as the most idiotic thing I have ever heard about. It all started at a RAVE party held at a movie theater. 2,000 people were unable to get in due to capacity limits, and said people then proceeded to overturn cars, set things on fire, and destroy whatever they could find. When the riot police showed up, a number of people decided to take action against them and... plank right in front of them. Yes, first they overturn cars, then they plank. Typical Lakers fans.

Planking soon gave way to a new generation of stupidity. Planking 2.0 is also known as "owling" which may be even dumber. Yes, owling is exactly what you think it is: imitating an owl. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, here is one idiot performing the act of "owling":

But idiots always find ways to top one another. I believe that this next form, Planking 3.0 takes the cake. It's known as "batmanning", and not only is it extremely dangerous, it is even stupider than the other two put together. "Batmanning" is the act of, well, imitating a bat. In simple words, it's hanging from things such as fences, statues, walls, and parking garage ceilings by your feet. Yes, only your feet.

Here is a recent article on batmanning. And if you are too lazy to click it, here are some images and a video:

Now, consider yourself up-to-date on the latest cultural crazes. But for heaven's sake, please don't try these things! AND DON'T MENTION ME!

Can you excel at online gaming and still have a life?

Uncle Jay is back from vacation!  He completely ignored all of the summer's news, so this week he tries to guess what happened.  Did he do better than you?  The media?  Your goldfish?

In a field of increasingly bizarre Republican presidential candidates, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain has stood out in a class of his own. And with his recent pledge that as president he would limit congressional bills to three pages, a Cain presidency would be our least wasteful ever, clearly. Cain was horrified by the length of the healthcare reform bill, and as Stephen Colbert put it, "When it comes to healthcare, America should listen to the man who made his fortune selling bacon cheeseburger pizza."

Jon Stewart owed the American public an apology. And Tuesday night they got one — and something extra.

It's too bad "The Daily Show" is on hiatus until Monday night. Just a few hours ago, Sarah Palin was videotaped explaining Paul Revere's significance in history and it couldn't have been funnier. Since they're not putting together a show tonight, the staff did the next best thing and began tweeting their own historical facts the way they think Palin would interpret them.

The funnyman had plenty of ammunition to spare for Palin and her bosses at Fox News. Palin's only bus interview has been with Fox's Greta Van Susteren, who later explained that the Alaskan's Fox contract doesn't allow her to talk to other networks, Stewart noted. Her answer on why she's not talking to the media, he said, should have been: "One, because I'm an unconventional maverick who doesn't play by the rules, and two, (Fox boss) Roger Ailes will not let me."

Seth Meyers devoted a large portion of his White House Correspondents’ dinner routine to making fun of Donald Trump. (Trump, sitting at the Washington Post table with a perpetually stern look on his face, did not appear to be amused.)

A little humor for Thursday!

President Obama makes his tax return public, and Donald Trump's special relationship with "the blacks" goes back decades.

With only a few minutes to publish this full article, I'm going to be quite brief in listing those whom I consider to be the ten best comedians of all time.  Like any top ten list, I'd be surprised if everyone (or even anyone) wholeheartedly agreed with each of my picks, and/ or the order I'm placing them in.  But I think we can all agree on one thing here:  Everyone on this list is sure to keep you laughing for many, many hours! 

10. Sacha Baron Cohen - His comedy is brilliant not only as entertainment, but as fascinating social experiments that really tell you quite a bit about our contemporary culture.

9. Sarah Silverman - Few people push the boundaries of what's acceptable more than Sarah Silverman.  In fact, I'd say she goes further than anyone else on this list, actually.  But while she's pushing said boundaries, she's somehow able to keep you just inside your comfort zone.

8. David Cross - On TV, in films, and on the stage, David Cross is one of the funniest people of his generation (and, well, of all time, seeing as how I put him on this list!).  His humor tends to be raunchy in all of the right ways, and right in all of the wrong ways.

7. Bill Maher -  Yeah yeah, I'm a liberal putting Bill Maher on a list of my favorite comedians.  You'll get over it, I promise!  But his are some of the best stand-up routines ever broadcast, on HBO or anyplace else!

6. Patton Oswald -  The fact that Patton Oswald isn't one of the most famous comedians of all time bewilders me every time I see him.  Like the others on this list, Oswald pushes the boundaries, but he doesn't really care about your comfort zone, and somehow keeps things inside of it anyway.  That, or he's really, really clever.  Either way, he deserves his spot on this list.

5. Bill Hicks - I like Bill Hicks, but I can't really say I love Bill Hicks, not the way everyone else does anyway.  But to not put him on this list would be wrong in a million different ways.  He isn't one of my favorites personally, but I can't argue that he deserves a comfortable spot on this list, especially when considering his influences on so many of the other comedians listed here.

4. Lenny Bruce -  Bruce brought stand-up into the modern era and paved the road for everyone else on this list.  Need I say more?

3. Eddie Murphy - Don't hold against him the movies he's made in the past ten or fifteen years, or the fact that he went from a dirty comic to a watered down family entertainer.  Delirious and Raw are two of the best stand-up comedy specials ever recorded.  Period.

2. Richard Pryor - Pryor had the uncanny ability to carbon-copy himself, put the copy on the stage beside him, and point out all of its flaws in front of the entire world.  He had an incredibly casual, social way of espousing about the world around him, in ways that no other comic, on this list or otherwise, could ever hope to emulate.  Richard Pryor is often imitated, but never duplicated, and it took a tremendous amount of consideration to not put him at #1 on this list.

1. George Carlin - George Carlin earns the top spot on this list because his stand-up routines weren't just funny to me... he had a tremendous number of valuable points in his stand-up routines which helped shape my world view into what it is today.  George Carlin is one of maybe eight people who played key roles in my formative ideological development.  So he takes the top spot not only because I think he's the funniest comedian of all time, but because he was so influential to me in other ways.

so true

LONDON—A year after the tragic explosion and oil spill that caused petroleum giant BP to cease operations in the Gulf of Mexico, the company announced Wednesday that it was once again ready to begin oil spilling.

Happy Tax Day, and Happy Passover! May the total pages of your tax return be thinner than matzah. May your sleep be as serene as an air traffic controller. May the color of your toenails fit your gender. Uncle Jay explains!

i'm thinking up questions for my interview with this guy who does pranks and other weird things like this where he tries to pay a bill with a drawing of a spider. note what happens when you click "complain about this page" while there (not for kids)http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

Paul Ryan's plan to reduce the deficit is everything the Republicans hated about Obamacare, plus a $750 billion cut to Medicaid.

Saturday Night Live parodied Fox and Friends' birther paranoia and fear of anything related to Mexico on this week's show.

Stephen Colbert is giving up Catholicism for Lent. He's now a Muslim.

The Comedy Central comedian said Thursday that he would heal the division between Christianity and Islam by showing the Koran its best day ever.

Jon Stewart had his own take on the reason for Glenn Beck's "transition off" from Fox News in his Comedy Central Daily Show on Thursday:

"Glenn Beck still had the third highest show in cable news ... Maybe Fox News thought it would be useful to pick some random talk radio host rehashing all same tired old John Birch Society conspiracy theories to seed ultra-conservative viewpoints into the news cycle, while making the rest of the network seem centrist by comparison. But, he then began to believe his own messianic delusions and became a giant pain in the ass. So they dropped his ass."

In response to the uproar surrounding Terry Jones, the Florida pastor whose Koran-burning last month sparked riots in Afghanistan that have so far claimed at least 24 lives, the State Department announced today its plan to "just pack [Jones] up and ship him over there" so that fundamentalist Muslims can take out their anger on him directly.

Michele Bachmann apologizes for the waterfall noise, Howard Cain refuses to appoint a Muslim, and Newt Gingrich fears an atheist Islamist takeover.