I've had it up to here with this President Obama... if that is his real name.  I just got done watching seven minutes of Fox News, and let me tell you, I learned more than I cared to learn about this Muslim socialist who hates America and wants to poop directly on our children.  It's time for a change!  We need a President that understands the plight of the working man, like Mitt Romney, whose totally more in-touch than that "community organizer" ever could be!  Viva la... uh... nevermind, that sounded foreign.

I'm sure some fancy East Coast Hollywood Liberal Occupier who doesn't have a blue collar job like me will come along and whine about what I'm saying here, but come on!  I can't even list all the things he's done wrong in his "administration," but I'll try to name as many as I can here.

Let's start with those pinko "bailouts" he did.  What a load of crap!  How dare he save the American auto industry, turning Detroit around so it's profitable and record-setting for the first time in decades?!  Sorry comrade, but I think that's bull!  And remember that whole "cash for clunkers" mess?  Sure, you might show me "facts" and "statistics" that say it "worked," but come on.  He's the most leftist President ever, so that means it didn't work!

And don't even get me started on Osama Bin Laden!  What sort of bully is this guy, sending in a SEAL team and shooting the world's most wanted terrorist in the face?  There he was, minding his own business, drinking a Pepsi and watching some porn, when BOOM, a bunch of Navy SEALS kick in his door and drill him in the head!  What the hell, Obama?  Haven't you read the third amendent of the CONSTITUTION?!  Don't you know you aren't allowed to send soldiers into peoples' houses?  Good going, you psycho jerk!  And I heard a reporter say on television that Obama wants to "beat" Mitt Romney!  What the hell!  This guy needs violence seminars, right now!"

And TAXES!  What's with this Obama guy and taxes?!  Why the hell did he invent this "income tax" when he took office?  He's a typical tax-and-spend Liberal, that's why!  And the left-wing lamestream media will try to tell you that Reagan raised taxes eight times, including the biggest peace-time tax hike in US history, but ignore that!  Reagan was the greatest patriot of all time, with the Constitution and Jesus somewhere just below him!

And way to go on all that "hope" and "change" you promised those idiots that voted for you, Obama.  Where's the transparency you claimed you'd bring in?  Yeah, government transparency has increased more under your Presidency than any other in history, but it ain't good enough!  What are you hiding?!  And I thought you said you'd be bi-partisan?!  What happened to that master plan of yours, huh?  Inviting Republicans to the table over and over and over again, only to get the door slammed in your face... that is NOT bi-partisanship.  You're supposed to drop-trow, bend over, brace yourself for impact, and take whatever the Republicans shove your way like a man!  Some "professor" you must've been!

And what's up with your supporting Gay Marriage?  Don't you know that Jesus said he hates gays, right before he punched three in the face and turned a fourth into a leper?  It's in the Bible.  The JESUS bible, not the MUSLIM bible, give it a read sometime!  I won't let a bunch of gays ruin the sanctity of my third marriage, no way, no how!  My first marriage, to a girl I impregnated in high school?  RUINED BY GAYS, when my then-wife was watching a movie with that Johnny Depp guy where he was wearing makeup.  My second marriage, to the waitress I cheated on my first one with after she told me she hates Johnny Depp?  RUINED BY GAYS, when that wife started watching "Glee."  My third wife, who I married after my second wife left me because I'm a terrible father?  Keep your gay hands off this one, she's MINE!

I've had it up to here.  You can't see it, but I'm holding my hand above my head!  I'm THAT angry about this jerk!  What's he going to do in his second term?  End the recession?  Cure cancer?  Stick Justin Bieber on a rocket and shoot him into the sun, along with everyone that has one of those stupid Bieber haircuts?  Yeah, you liberals would like it if he did all that, wouldn't you?! 

Read the constitution, Obama.  It says "capitalism" and "Jesus is awesome" right in there!  Who agrees with me?  Let's go rant about it at our local Tea Party rallies!

By Jeffrey Goldberg

"The crackdown by Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad against his own citizens counts as one of the most blood-soaked acts of political repression in the Middle East since his father and predecessor, Hafez al-Assad, waged his own onslaught against anti-regime activists three decades ago.

Almost 10,000 people have died in the current Syrian uprising, and each passing day brings the killing and torture of more civilians, including many children.

Some critics say the U.S. has shamed itself by not intervening aggressively on behalf of Syria’s rebels and dissidents.

They’re wrong. The Obama administration hasn’t helped to arm the rebels, nor has it created safe havens for persecuted dissidents. But it has done something far more important: It has provided the Syrian opposition with very strong language to describe Assad’s various atrocities.

The administration’s unprecedented verbal and written sorties against the Assad regime have included some of the most powerful adjectives, adjectival intensifiers and adverbs ever aimed at an American foe. This campaign has helped Syrians understand, among other things, that the English language contains many synonyms for “repulsive.”

Shock and Awe

But a crisis is fast approaching: America’s stockpile of vivid adjectives is being depleted rapidly. Some linguists of the realist camp are now arguing for restraint in the use of condemnatory word combinations. They note that the administration, in its effort to shock and awe the Assad regime with the power of its official statements and the stridency of its State Department briefings, has prematurely stripped bare its thesaurus, leaving the U.S. powerless to come to the symbolic aid of the Syrian people."

Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh announced today that he is getting a divorce from his fourth wife, Kathryn Rogers.  Limbaugh blamed his marital problems on President Obama's support for gay marriage, claiming that his own relationship simply could not take the strain of Obama's "war on traditional marriage".  "Obama is forcing me to divorce my female wife and marry a man, folks", sputtered Limbaugh, between puffs of his big, smelly cigar.  "This is Obama's world now and we straight, butch white males have no say in it at all.  I am announcing my engagement to a long-time traveling companion who has accompanied me on many trips to the Dominican Republic.   I know my engagement may seem awfully fast since my divorce to ... uh, Snerdley, what's that woman's name again?  Kathryn? Right - since my divorce to Kathleen isn't even final yet.  But folks, if I am going to be forced into a gay marriage by our Marxist president, it's going to be with a fabulous man that I have known and loved for a very long time.  Uh, platonically, of course.", he quickly added.  "My companion and I have a lot in common; we both have a love for giant cigars; we both pretend spending time with men rather than women, we both have a high tolerance for Viagra, and we absolutely adore taking trips to the Dominican Republic to hire young prosti, uh, masseurs to relax us."

"So there you have it, folks.  This is what an Obama presidency has come down to.  Forcing butch, straight males to marry their long-time traveling companions against their will.  And I can assure you, it IS against my will.  It really is.  Now where's my wedding planner? I want to choose my cake and bouquet.  Hey, I wonder if Elton John will agree to be my best man..."

Recently, the Birgin Bristol has taken to making observations about and giving advice to Barack Obama via her blog.

She assures everyone that, like, ohmigod, sure she writes it herself, except that sometimes Willow gives her ideas when, you know, she's not, you know, drunkorexia. Anyway, everyone knows that it's not what you do. It's, like, what you say, like Mama Bear has proved so many times. So, who is better qualified to give advice to the guy in the Tan House than herself? You know? Look where she, the Birgin Bristol, is today. And, she didn't even have a hit CD!

So, anyways. he has to stop listening to his kids. They are soooo young. And, they go to that rich kids' school where they learn nothing that's important, like how to get the best guy's eye. Holy Moly Drunkarolly, there're probably no best guys at that school. There's probably like a rule or something against letting them in!

This gay marriage thing is very no way, very very Will & Grace. That's an ancient TV show from when the Birgin was only a teenie wanna bopper her own self, hanging by the hockey rink surveying the hunkage. But, even then, she knew that you can NOT reap the fruit of the loom from gayness, except if they are, like, hairdressers. And, it turns out that they make good internal designers, or so Mama Bear tells her.  How she would know, she's not sure. Must be some kind of doctor. Anyway, this Little Grizzlette has to go. But, Mr. Obama, no more listening to the little girls. Real men don't do that. And, Nixon on the Gayness.

 ________________

We interrupt this stream of discontinuity with a blast of sanity.

Sasha and Malia Obama were born in 2001 and 1998, respectively. In dog years this would make the Birgin Bristol a lot older. However,  Sasha and Malia Obama are not dogs. If no catastrophe intervenes, they will assuredly graduate from high school without getting pregnant and graduate from university, likely with honors. They will do this because at their young ages they already have personal priorities that extend beyond tomorrow evening. If they were suddenly given a pile of cash, they would still finish high school and graduate from college.

Whatever opinions they might offer on any subject would be regarded by either of their parents with respect, love and affection,.

We all see the headlines every day and some days there are headlines we would like to see. Below are a few we like to see in tomorrow mornings headlines:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Arrests Governor Jan Brewer

05.13.2012: Yesterday afternoon Sheriff Joe Arpaio held Governor Jan Brewer for questioning in regards to being a female impersonator. Sheriff Joe was reportedly demanding Governor Brewer disrobe and prove his/her gender based on her veto of two bills that he backed including the “birther bill” and a bill that would have permitted guns on college campuses. Sheriff Joe said no one without balls could have went against his support of these bills and was determined to prove it.

Mitt Romney Declares Credit For Discovering America

05.13.2012: In a statement released by Romney's campaign staff, Mitt Romney declared that it was his lack of conviction and beliefs that allowed him to channel the desires of the Tea Party and the Religious Right so that in his view he could see the real undiscovered American and asks congress to replace Columbus in all text books with himslef as the person that really discovered America.

Pat Robertson And Brian Fisher In Fist Fight

05.13.2012: During yesterdays radio address when Brian Fisher was taking credit for making Mitt Romney bend to his will, Pat Robertson interrupted the broadcast indicating he deserved the credit. After a heated exchange between the two including the throwing of stones and decrying each as the Anti-Christ a fist fight broke out. Both sides agreed to for a rematch in Megiddo after after a few swings both were exhausted and fell to the floor and were reportedly speaking in tongues.

Guinness Book Of World Records Announces New Categories 

05.13.2012: In a surprise announcement the Guinness Book of World Records released several new categories to be included in their next edition. When asked about the new categories the long running publication released a statement saying that the Tea Party and Religious Right had reached levels of absurdity in 2012 that had never been seen before by the human race. For this reason to assure that they were encompassing all world records as is their objective that the would forced to include: Most intolerant, biggest lie, greatest degree of ignorance, most audacious, and highest disregard for the public good. Guinness said that the records are being broken just about every day by someone in the Tea Party or the Religious Right and they have not yet been able to determine a winner. Guinness did say they will have a cut off on Tuesday, November 6th, 2012.

Ted Nugent Arrested For Reckless Shooting

05.13.2012: A judge in Jackson MI upheld the arrest and arraignment of so called Rock Star Ted Nugent for shooting off his mouth while on probation for the unlawful killing a bear in Alaska. In a written opinion judge Joseph Right said that Mr. Nugent was in violation of his parole by shooting his mouth off and killing civility. Mr. Nugent was released on bail and fitted with a mouth gag until his next court appearance to protect the public.

Iranian Leader Ayatollah Khamenei Asks Republicans For Help

05.13.2012: The leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei asks the Republican Party, specifically the Religious Right, to move to the left in an unprecedented request. The Ayatollah has communicated that the Religious Right in the US was weakening his ability to govern as his surrogates expect him to always be to the right of anyone in the US and he can not find a way to move to the right of them. The Ayatollah has indicated he is finding it harder to maintain control as his surrogates are trying to have Rick Santorum, Pat Robertson, or Tony Perkins replace him and are distributing ballots to have the entire government replaced by the US Republican House of Representatives.

Rush Limbaugh Shocked to Find That Most Rush Babes Were Transvestites

05.13.2012: During a new conference yesterday while Rush Limbaugh was bragging about the number of Rush Babes that have signed up on his web site he was stunned and speechless for the first time when told that 99% of the names on his list were transvestites that were using his web site to advertise for their upcoming Las Vegas show. He was also shocked to find that the only three real signatures from women on his site were Governor Jan Brewer, Sarah Palin, and Barbara Bachman. When asked why his current wife had not signed his wife answered for him by saying that she had unanswered questions about her husbands true sexual orientation and did not want to sign up to be a lesbian supporter as she believed Rush was trans-gender.

T1Truth

Be a Panderer!

For past issues, check out the Pander Weekly Archive.

A couple of days back there were numerous  media outlets hinting that President Obama stole the election theme "Forward" from Chinese Communist Chairman Mao and other Communists.  Mao's theme "Great Leap Forward", President Obama's theme "Forward".

Strikingly similar, in fact they're identical.  There is absolutely no clear difference between the two. Obama is definitely a Communist.   Quick, hurry, notify all your rightwing friends about this! Obama has come out of the closet and finally admitted just in time for the election that he is in fact a – COMMUNIST!   OMG! Call Rush Limbaugh!

Why would the POTUS be so obvious in his desire to turn America into a Communist nation?  Well, because he doesn’t want Republican Governor Scott Walker to turn the great state of Wisconsin into a Communist state before he gets to turn the whole country into a Communist nation!  There must be order, after all that’s what Communists believe in most. Order!

After Gov. Scott Walker heard about President Obama’s “Forward” campaign he was livid! Outraged I tell you!  So Walker gathered all his rightwing, union busting, fund raiding, and teacher firing comrades and demanded:  “Get me a “Forward” theme and get it right now!  I’ll be damned if this liberal Democrat president is going to be a better Communist than me!  I’ve been a hard core, devoted Communist my entire life and now that, that, that, EEEEEEWWWW!  Where the hell is my “Forward” ad campaign?”

And so the Walker comrade put together a “Forward” campaign!  It’s true, both President Obama and Gov. Walker are communists!  But Walker gets the edge - the Wisconsin state slogan is “Forward” and has been since 1851!

The Daily Satire Editor Examines The Big Issue of The Day In Depth – Is Obama To Cool to be President? Aka Are Black People Too Cool to be Successful? Aka Is the black man’s tool a tool of the oppressor?

Following a republican campaign ad claiming that Obama is too cool to be president this question has become the big political debating point of the day. Or at least my day anyway, and I’m the one writing this damn article.

Everyone seems to agree that Obama is one cool president; but is that a good thing or a bad thing in a president?

Well I for one think that we should be looking at the bigger issues here. And the big issue, the headlines news, the big slimy bogie hanging down from the nose of the matter, is that President Obama is black. And black people are just too cool to be taken seriously. That is the real issue here, and whenever you see a story or enter a discussion about whether Obama is too cool to be president you should be substituting that question in your mind for the real question – are black people too cool to be successful? I know you can do that. It’s easy – just do the same thing you do when the ATM tells you you’re $50 overdrawn and instead of reading the -$50 you read +$250 because that’s what you’ve got left of your overdraft.

I mean black people are cool, right? Everyone seems to agree on that. The only thing we can’t seem to agree on is whether or not that is a good thing. I mean – is it great for the entertainment industry? Or are they a threat to our daughter’s honor? Is the sheer physical prowess of the black male a boon to our Olympic team? Or the reason we don’t feel safe walking home in the evening? Is being cool as a black man a great way to get on with the ladies? Or the reason you can’t get a serious job? The answer to all of these questions, of course, is yes.

If black people are cooler, and can dance better, are bigger and better in bed¹, are tougher and stronger, but they are not dumber, lazier and more criminally inclined, then black people must be the superior race, right? History says……no.

Are black people too cool for school? Perhaps we need to remember that old saying ‘coolness is in the eye of the beholder’. 

¹Penis Myths  ^1”Many cultures have a persistent urban legend that the penis size of
some minority groups is larger than the norm. In the United States,
the minority group chosen is African-American. This appears not to be
supported by anything other than anecdote. Fanon covers this subject
in some detail in "Black Skin, White Masks", and tends to agree that
this is a myth -- a conclusion that he backs up with statistics." - Google Answers

Mitt Romney is upset that UK Prime Minister David Cameron treated Barack Obama as if he were the President of the United States during a visit to the White House in March. And Romney's campaign chose to make it known today.

In his March remarks Cameron thanked President Obama for his "strong and beautiful words" about Anglo-American ties, and said Obama "has pressed the reset button on the moral authority of the entire free world".

Of all the nerve. Doesn't Cameron know how much money Romney has in the Caymans?

The Onion News Network is poking fun at Mitt Romney's campaign for their recent attempts to reach out to Hispanic voters.

Some believe Romney's stance on various immigration-related issues has alienated Latino voters, and the GOP candidate is doing his best to win them back. In real life, Romney's campaign has released Spanish language ads and garnered the endorsement of prominent Latino Republicans, including Marco Rubio. But The Onion News network, a fake parody site, invented a stereotype parrot called "Paco" that they describe as Romney's new "sidekick."

Watch the video above to watch Paco in action.

In an exclusive to Little Green Footballs this intrepid reporter has located what seems to be evidence of the phrase “Forward Together” used for the 46th Inaugural of America’s president in 1969 and being none other then the alleged anti-Communist, Richard M. Nixon. The inaugural slogan, utilized the word “Forward” — “a word with a long and rich association with European Marxism” and Mao’s “Great Leap Forward” which spanned the years 1949 to 1976.

"When it comes to socialism, no one beats wascally wabbits!" Says Willard Womney. "Why, did you know that wascally Obama slipped his new campaign slogan into the armed forces list of commands more than 200 years ago? And, by the way, you better check under your beds tonight. That wascally wabbit might just pop up anywhere. Ann has hired extra servants to make sure he doesn't interfere with her Cadillacs."

"Well, I must go. I have to practice my positions. Ann tells me that a politician can't have too many positions. And, next time you see me, call me Half Mitt. It's what my friends call me. Heh heh heh heh.

THE PROOF THAT BIRDS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:

It is hard to argue that dogs, at least by first impressions, are better pets than birds.  Until recently, I believed that was the case… with cats being a close second for their pest control and purring attributes.  About one month ago I adopted a 30-year old White-Fronted Amazon Parakeet named Captain Cracky and everything changed.  Cracky has shown me in a very short time what it means to be the best pet in the world… even better than dogs!

I had no idea a bird such as Captain Cracky could have celebrity status, but he does and it's totally awesome.  Image#1 is of Billy Crystal co-hosting the Oscars with the Captain.  Wow, that is so cool!  I wonder… can a dog even talk, much less host a major television event?

Image#2 is Cracky on the last season of Big Brother.  He made it to the last 3, but got back-stabbed by some sorority chick.  Sheeeesh!  Hmmmm, how many dogs have made to the final 3 on Big Brother?  I believe zero!!! :)

When it comes down to the nitty-gritty of doing something really nice everyone is always going on and on about helping the old lady across the street.  A dog can do this and as seen in Image#3, Cracky can do it too… big deal!

What a dog can't do is help an old lady stretch her shorts until she rips her depends underpants.  In Image#4, the Captain is getting this nice old lady limber and ready to not only cross streets, but climb mountains!  Way to go Captain Cracky!

Ahhhh, isn't Image#5 really special… look at Cracky helping out in a soup kitchen.  The Captain is right there in the middle of it, helping some very hungry folks get some nice, warm food.  I'd like to see a dog do that… maybe when hell freezes over! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Holy cow, can this really be happening… a bird testifying before congress?!?!  As you can see in Image#6, Cracky is reaching for the microphone to provide some very important information that confirms that most politicians are complete and utter money-grubbing, agenda seeking idiots.  Way to go Captain Cracky!!!   There might be a dog somewhere near this meeting, but he's likely outside taking a dump in public… Ha! Ha! Ha! :)

Anyone ever notice how President Obama is one of the most eloquent speakers in the White House we have ever heard?  Do you know why?  I do.  In Image#7, the Captain is whispering in Obama's ear sweet words of wisdom for the ages.  Dog's just look plain stupid at this point.  If a dog was helping out here, the President would just be barking and farting!

More recently, Cracky has been trying his hand, errr… I mean claw again at reality television.  Here he is in Image#8 as part of the cast on Survivor.  I would seriously love to see a dog on survivor.  He'd get voted off for 1) eating all the food, 2) farting in the shelters, 3) humping someone's leg, 4) chasing squirrels during a competition, and 5) just being plain stupid!!!

And finally the last piece of evidence that birds are better than dogs… Image#9.  Hmmm, is that Captain Cracky doing a "boob dance" on Snookeys left breast!  Hell yes!!!  Cracky is a wild man!!!  I'm not crazy about Jersey Shore and you have to wonder how many "places" that breast has been, but still, hats off to the boob dancing parakeet!

In conclusion, I challenge the readers of this article to provide me with any substantial evidence that disproves my belief that birds are better than dogs.  This is Newsvine, so I am assuming someone will try.  Thanks for reading and get yourself a bird!!! LOL!!! :)

On April 27, 2012, President Obama appeared at Fort Stewart in Georgia to sign an executive order protecting degree-seeking veterans.  The order would prevent colleges from engaging in deceptive marketing practices targeted at vets receiving military education benefits.

Immediately, the right-wing blogosphere erupted in rage.  "Comrade Obama is at it again, folks", sputtered conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh. "He wants to stifle business in favor of liberal, feel-good policies that do nothing for us.  What have the vets ever done for our economy?  These for-profit diploma mills have helped the economy immensely by graduating people with worthless degrees who then have to spend more money at yet another college to earn new ones.  Do you know how many billions of dollars this has pumped into the economy?  Obama doesn't want you to know that, folks.  It's all part of his plan."  When pressed to explain this "plan", Limbaugh refused to expound any further.  He merely mouthed the word "commie" around the giant cigar in his mouth and began picking at his pilodinal cyst.

 "Deceptive marketing tactics?", asked radio host and tin foil hat model Glenn Beck incredulously, while fidgeting with his puppets.  "These aren't deceptive marketing tactics.  Okay, well, they are, but they also represent opportunity.  Obama hates opportunity and thinks that capitalism is a complete failure.  He is dead inside like all radical Marxists.  Hey, do you want to buy some gold?"  When asked for proof that President Obama is a Marxist, Beck burst out into tears and began drawing in a My Little Pony coloring book with a purple crayon.

"Nanny government at its worst", complained Fox News host Sean Hannity.  "I love our vets as much as the next heartless conservative with plastic, snap on hair, but let's be honest.  These soldiers fought for the right of colleges to use deceptive marketing practices. These grown men and women should know the good old capitalistic concept of 'Caveat Emptor'.  Besides, when we said we should support our troops, we didn't mean by giving them free handouts like education benefits.  Now, if you will excuse me, my hairdresser needs to apply a fresh coat of shellack."

Radio commentators weren't the only right-wingers upset at Obama's support for the troops.  Fox News' discussion forums were on fire with comments so hateful and racist that we refuse to repeat them verbatim.  Suffice it to say, however, that the forum was peppered liberally with words and phrases such as ghetto, thug, Moochelle, Obummer, "vets are marxists", "the troops are commies", "soldiers are welfare queens" and "military moms wear army boots".

A couple of months ago we published a piece with our definition of Republican as a bit of fun. Since then it has become even more apparent that our definition is more pertinent than maybe we even realized at that time. For that reason, we have taken that definition and added a few examples to the original to validate our assumptions. Please feel free to add your favorite quotes from these Republicans in the comment section. With your help we can add a number of quotes and bookmark this page to come back to and to whenever another stupid quote is uttered by the right. (Could be multiple times a day.)  

The Republican Party gives us such great material and we can only hope this web site can contain enough room for all the stupid quotes that are readily available from each. Here are a few of my favorites to get you started. I am sure you can see where they fit without any problem in the definition below.

Mitt Romney: "I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed."

Newt Gingrich: "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

Michelle Bachman: ''Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.''

Rick Santorum: ''George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.''

Newt Gingrich: ''She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a President. And besides, she has cancer.'''

Michelle Bachman: ''The president, he put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.''

Mitt Romney: ''I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much.''

Rick Santorum: ''I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. ...If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. .... That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.''

R = Reactionary (opposed to progressive social or political change)

      Ron Paul, Rick Santorum

E = Evangelical (enthusiastic or zealous in support of a particular cause and very eager to make other people share its beliefs or ideals)

     Rick Santorum

P = Pious (characterized by a hypocritical concern with virtue or religious devotion; sanctimonious.)

      Newt Gingrich

U = Unyielding (not giving in to persuasion, pressure, or force)

      Tea Party

B = Brazen (expressing boldness and a complete lack of shame)

      Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney - "I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed."

L = Listless (lacking energy, interest or the willingness to make an effort)

      John Boehner

I= Ideologists (a person advocating a particular ideology)

     Rick Santorum

C = Chauvinistic (militant devotion to and glorification of one's country; fanatical patriotism)

      Mitt Romney

A = Angry (feeling or showing anger or strong resentment)

      Eric Cantor

N= Narcissists (a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish)

      Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, Herman Cain, Donald Trump, ...

Please remember this definition as you cast your vote this fall and remember if we get complacent, we could end up with someone in the White House that embodies this definition. We could also end up with a Congress and Senate that would match.

Please vote.

T1Truth

WASHINGTON: In front of thousands of cheering supporters this evening, Mitt Romney began laying out policy that targeted independent and liberal-ish voters in what could have been his nomination acceptance speech. To everyone's surprise, he included the following statement: "I believe in a better America. I believe in the constitution. I believe in liberty. I believe that all Americans, black, white, liberal, conservative, gay, or straight, should have equal rights in all aspects of society."

That speech, and that statement, ended Romney's two-year bid for nomination and began an eight-month run for the office of President. Romney also did not fail to leave out his usual conservative messages and twenty-three attacks on Obama and his dog. He specifically avoided any topic related to the economy, except for the occasional rally cry of "We're going to fix this economy!". His speech lasted for sixteen minutes and was frequently interrupted by the enthusiastic cries from supporters, who were energetic after Romney's sweep of five primaries the day before.

After the rally ended we were able to catch a few of the attendees for a short chat about the former governor. Asked if they planned to support him in the general election, the most frequent response given was, "Of course, he's not Obama."

Then we asked them if they supported his sudden support of gay marriage, which did attract a few boos after the statement was given. Those asked were suddenly uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact while saying, "At least he isn't Obama."

Romney enters this general election with a badly damaged reputation among independent and liberal voters, and he knowingly took a risk by flipping his opinion on the conservative's most important of policies on day one. In the coming months, he will have to walk a fine line in order to avoid alienating his conservative base while appealing to the rest of America.

That gap is so wide, in fact, that many analysts are predicting a landslide victory for Obama. One of the most highly respected political analysts, "Debater of Leafs", suggested that there is no possible way to make social policies appeal to both sides of the aisle and that given the current course of American opinion, the democratic policies will win this election.

For now, though, Romney's supporters are left scratching their heads and praying (literally) that he doesn't change his views on abortion either.

Other prominent politicians also responded to Romney's flip-flop:

"You lie!" (Joe Wilson)

"H3y R0mn3y, ur gay n so iz ur polucy (sic)." (Sarah Palin- via twitter)

"Regretting my decision to suspend my campaign." (Rick Santorum).

"Keep up the good work, Mitt!" (Barack Obama).

Priceless Video for Rick Santorum!

Rick Santorum should have thought about this earlier, but it is not too late now, before he aborts his campaign.

Hey Yall,

I am Mitt Gumby and I want to be your president. I promise to be the most flexible president that you have ever had. And more than that I like Green. You know the color of the trees in summer. Especially those perfect trees in MI that are just the right height. As your president you can bend me, shape me, and twist me into all kinds of contorted positions on just about anything.

Imagine the possibilities if I am your president:

I can be both for banning assault rifles and then join the NRA.

I can institute Health Care for All in one state and fundamentally disagree with the principle on the national level.

I can oppose an auto bailout although the money would have never been available in the private sector to keep this industry going and be proud to own a Mustang, Pickup Truck, and a couple of Caddies because I was right that auto industry is vital to our nation.

I can be for Roe v. Wade and then support that this can only applies before conception.

I can be against paligomy and be proud of my church.

I can agree that man is responsible for part of climate change and oppose doing anything about it.

I can be for imigration reform and try to make people so uncomfortable that they will self deport.

I believe that government is for the people as long as it is behind closed doors.

I can disagree with Regan initiatives and keep him as my hero.

I could go on, and on, and on, and on, about this attribute of mine of being the most flexible candidate ever but I do not think I need to at this point. I am sure you could never name another candidate as twisty as me. If you are tired of politicians with rigid belief systems that have a vision for America rooted in truth, then I am your man.

Please give up some of that green that I am so fond of and support me. I promise I will flex in the wind for you. I promise to contort myself into positions you never thought possible. I promise to shape myself to whatever others tell me to do. And I promise to bring uncertainty to the presidency like no other before.

Remember I am Mitt Gumby and I want to be your Contortionist and Chief.
 
This message has been brought to you by the FlexPac Super PAC for Mitt Gumby for President.
 
T1Truth

GOP sources have discovered that the Obama family has been charging taxpayers to rent a 16-bedroom, neoclassical mansion in a posh east coast neighborhood dotted with museums, libraries, boutiques and four-star restaurants.  The mansion is so palatial that its 132 rooms even include a movie theater and bowling alley.  

President Obama has apparently been trying to keep his living arrangements secret.  How else can he explain slipping quietly in and out of this decadent mansion at all hours, making his getaway in a limousine with tinted windows, flanked by a large entourage in dark sunglasses?  Clearly, he doesn't want the public to know he has been residing in such luxury at their expense.

"It's an outrage, folks!" sputtered conservative radio commentator Lush Limpballs.  "Who does he think he is living rent free in a porticoed mansion with a landing pad and fountains?  An American citizen?  A Koch brother? Now I know Obama is full of it, but even he can't possibly use 35 bathrooms!  On my best day even I am only capable of destroying twelve or thirteen commodes in a day."

The most troubling aspect of this newest scandal is that Obama's mansion includes a parlor known as the "Red Room".  This suggests that Comrade Obama is hosting political gatherings to plot the overthrow of our capitalist economy and install a communist economy in its place. Thank goodness for the GOP. Without their crack team of investigators, we might never have discovered this threat to our nation.

 DISCLAIMER:  The preceding is satire. Obviously, conservative radio commentators are only capable of destroying a maximum of 10 toilets in one day.

This Monday, April 9, 2012, President Obama will host what sources believe to be a special terrorist training mini-day camp on the White House lawn.  He calls it an egg-hunt, but the truth is that children will be given instructions on how to locate small, grenade-shaped objects that have been carefully hidden in the terrain.  Skills the children will gain include how to hide and locate these IEDs (improvised egg devices) and how to fight their rivals and keep them from detecting where the IEDs are hidden.  Perhaps the most insidious part of this training is that each IED will be filled with a substance that does not kill its target immediately but acts slowly in a child's system over several hours or days to attack and rot teeth.  The children will receive communist indoctrination by being told that they must "share" their treasures with others.   When they do so, they and their targets could suffer from disfiguring and debilitating tooth decay.  Over a longer period of time, if dental care is withheld, they could succumb to periodontal disease within decades. 

Please do not fall for the outright lies and propaganda about "egg hunts" and "chocolate".  We must act now to stop President Obama from using our taxes to induct children into this insidious new terrorist group, Al-Decayda.

Don't be a fool!

For past issues, check out the Pander Weekly Archive.

Earlier in the year when presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he didn't want to give "blah" people other people's money, he was accused of being racist.  Detractors claimed that he'd said "black", not "blah", insinuating that black people are the only recipients of welfare.    What his critics didn't know, however, was that this incident was the first warning sign of a very serious medical condition.  The second warning sign came just this week when Santorum called President Obama the "anti-war, government nig".  As expected, many were outraged, convinced that he had just pronounced the first half of a very nasty racial epithet for blah people. However, the truth is that Rick Santorum is likely suffering from a very rare but serious disease known as Blahnig's Syndrome. It is so rare, in fact, that it is only known to have affected 1 out of every 7 billion people.  This previously unknown disease causes politicians to uncontrollably spew racial insults and epithets while giving campaign speeches. Now, some readers may scoff and claim that no such disease exists.  They would be partially correct; no such disease DID exist until Rick Santorum was suddenly stricken with it several months ago.  However, having seen the videotapes of Rick's campaign speeches, I can attest to the fact that it is, indeed, very real and very serious.  In fact, there is nothing funny about it at all.   Despite its amazingly low prevalence rate we must all take this condition very seriously, as it is known to be a killer - - of political aspirations.

Transcript of the Crush Limprod show, March 21, 2011. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have in front of me a report about a very sinister event involving Barack Hussein Ayatollah Abu-Jamal Obama. Last week he was giving a speech at a community college in Maryland when he was approached by a young street thug who proceeded to flash gang signs.  The president quickly flashed back some sort of gangolese message in response.  Now, folks, we have experts working around the clock to decode these gang signs.  These experts are going through the video, frame by frame, to determine exactly what it was the two were discussing.  There is some dispute as to which gang sign language was being used -  American Gang Language, Detroit Gang Sign or Chicago Thug.  Depending which was used, the message could have been,  "Drive-by at 4:00 sharp, bring your gun",  "I got that crack you ordered" or "Kill whitey".  Now, folks, this is a matter of national security.  Our president is obviously associating with criminal gang members and is either planning to kill white people, take part in a drive-by shooting, or purchase crack cocaine.  Or perhaps he is planning to do all three at once - kill white people in a drive-by shooting while high on crack.  Of course the liberal media is literally swooning over the incident; they are even spinning it as "sign language".  Folks, I know all about sign language and deaf people, having caused my own deafness by taking massive amounts of uh, Flintstones Vitamins, and that could not have been it.  You see, black people do not speak sign language because there is no ebonics counterpart to it.  Whatever it was that Mullah Obama was signaling to this dangerous young street thug, you can bet it wasn't innocent, folks. "

For past issues, check out the Pander Weekly Archive

The right-wing is nothing if not hypocritical.  They have spent nearly 5 years claiming that Barack Obama is not a "natural-born citizen"; that he is not qualified to be president on the basis that his father was not born in this country.  Even after demanding (and seeing) his official birth certificate, they have never been satisfied that he meets the qualifications, despite the fact that his mother was an American-born citizen.  Why then, is the GOP now running two candidates - Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney - whose own circumstances are so similar? 

Rick Santorum's father, Aldo, was born in Italy during the reign of National Fascist Party leader Benito Mussolini.  His foreign birth alone should disqualify Rick Santorum under the GOP's own rules.  Despite having been asked repeatedly to provide proof that his father became a naturalized citizen before he was born, he has never done so.  In fact, his refusal to provide proof of his father's birth brings his own birth into question.  Why haven't we seen Rick Santorum's own birth certificate?  Does he even have one?  If so, is it just an elaborate forgery?  To top it off, Aldo Santorum was born in a fascist nation; remember - the GOP holds fast to the tenet of guilt-by-association.  They claim that President Obama must be a radical Muslim since his father was born in Kenya.  Therefore, Aldo Santorum's son is just as likely to be a secret radical fascist as Obama is to be a secret radical Muslim. 

Mitt Romney's father, George Romney, was born in Mexico.  As with Aldo Santorum, we do not have sufficient evidence that Mitt Romney was born in the U.S.A.  We have also never been provided with proof that Romney's father was a legal immigrant.  We do know that he and his family fled Mexico during the Mexican revolution; were they radical Mexican revolutionaries?  Is Mitt Romney therefore a foreign-born radical like his Mexican father?  As a possible illegal immigrant, should Mitt Romney even be allowed to vote, let alone run for president?

Mitt,

• You've carefully thought out all the angles.
• You've been running for President for years.
• It comes naturally to you.
• You know what you're doing, it's what you've been groomed for your whole life.
• Nothing could possibly go wrong, right?

See below

T1Truth

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I wish I could be a Republican and want to change the rules of the game to favor me.

      I cannot though, because I believe in fair play and feel that winning when the deck is stacked in my favor has no real meaning.

I wish I could be a Republican and change history to my liking when it comes to the founding fathers to fit my need to believe in a Norman Rockwell America.

     I cannot though, because I have too much respect for them to denigrate their legacy. (Norm is dead by the way.)

I wish I could be a Republican and could agree that raping the planet and taking what ever I wish was justified.

     I cannot though, because I wish my children and grandchildren to enjoy the beauty of nature and have something left.

I wish I could be a Republican and hide behind religion and God to make my arguments for society.

    I cannot though, as I believe in personal responsibility, in human spirit and ingenuity, and in our species ability to solve the problems that we have created.

I wish I could be a Republican and not care about the most vulnerable in our society.

    I cannot though, as I have scruples. (Damn things get in the way a lot.)

I wish I could be a Republican and believe that bombs can cure all.

     I cannot though, as I realize the world is more complicated than this, and that we need to find real solutions to live together.

I wish I could be a Republican and believe that women, gays, and other religions do not deserve the same rights as me.

     I cannot though, as who am I to judge another human being based upon their beliefs.

I wish I could be a Republican and ignore facts and be happy being oblivious to the truth.

     I cannot though, as I have always taught my children that nothing is more important than learning everything and making the right decision based upon the facts and not ignorant biased prejudice.

I wish I could be a Republican and believe I have all the answers.

     I cannot though, as I know I do not, and must learn each day to try to find just one more solution.

I wish I could be a Republican and feel free to manipulate and lie for my own desires.

    I cannot though, as I respect my fellow travelers through this journey of life too much.

I wish I could be a Republican and just get my views from Fox, Rush, Shann, Glenn, and the rest.

    I cannot though, as I have too much curiosity about the way things really are.

I wish I could be a Republican so I would never have to listen to anyone outside my party.

    I cannot though, as I am an independent who will cease upon and champion any great idea no matter the source.

For all of you who can be a Republican, I wish you well and hope you may sleep soundly tonight in the land of oblivion. I know I will, even though I can be no more than an independent thinker searching for answers that benefit all.

T1Truth

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The Tea Party has usurped the Republican Party and replaced our two party system with a Parliamentary system of government. (Read previous article - link at the bottom of the page.) So exactly how has this happened and why will it continue? As you read the experiment below please relate it to the Tea Party, Republican Party, and members of each. I think it will become clear.

Experiment:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done.

Tea Party Goal of Parliamentary Government Realized:

http://ttruth3829683.newsvine.com/_news/2012/03/10/10635732-tea-party-goal-of-parliamentary-government-realized

T1Truth

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For past issues, check out the Pander Weekly Archive

With all the publicity that Rush Limbaugh has been receiving over the last few weeks and racking my brain as to what could have produced a human being as distasteful as Rush, it finally dawned on me how it happened. Remember that Rush was born in 1951 and grew up in the 60's. So, again, how could a product of the 60's turn out like Rush? I blame it on Norman Lear. In 1968, All in the Family aired on CBS and produced by Norman Lear. Rush was 17 years of age in 1968 and just entering radio. From 1968 until 1979 Archie Bunker aired each week and Rush began honing his conservative radio talk show. As Rush must not have much of a personality himself I submit that he began emulating the only person that made any sense to his feeble mind. Archie was a rich source of material for the young Rush which had no personality of his own. Over the ensuing years Rush wished to look like Archie, talk like Archie, and think like Archie. This is the one thing in his miserable existence that I would say he accomplished.

If you have any question as to if this theory has merit, I invite you to read the following quotes from Archie.

• Birth patrol pills.
• New mother...they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals."
• I just don't want you to do nothing on the sperm of the moment.
• She's loaded with this, waddya call, women's intermission.
• I'm a man. Men have got another thing....they got waddya call, a carnival instinct.
• A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs.
• Government of the people, by the people, and for the pursuit of happiness.
• Excitement to riot.
• No taxation without regimentation.
• Welcome to our home. And as yous people say "shaboom".
• If that ain't "the Black calling the kettle pot!"
• No, I think that was when Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence. Ya know, "Fourscore and 7 years ago."
• Don't be accusing me of taking a bribe. You know what they call that, "definition of character."
• It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a well-known detergent to crime.
• Welfare incipients.
• My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.
• And that's the crutch of the situation.

I hope it is as clear to you, as it is to me, that we all have Norman Lear to thank for Rush Limbaugh!

Thanks a lot Norm!

T1Truth

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While watching the GOP Presidential contenders from the GOP this season it reminded me of an experiment in my behavioral psychology class that we affectionately called rat lab. The point of the course was to feed mice pellets of food as a positive reinforcement to obtain the behavior out of the mice that you wished. The goal was over several 90 minute sessions to get them to sit on a paper cup, reach down and pick up a marble, and then deposit it into a hole in the top of the cup. By rewarding them when they approached the cup, then when they would put a paw on the cup, and so on, it was fairly easy to accomplish this task.

During these days, I also had a brother along with his room mate with the same class. Each of us had different times to attend. The room mate had a time slot after ours. We would take his rat which we named Topo Gigo from the Ed Sulivan show and work with him during or lab time. During this time we would get the room mates rat out and positively reinforce him to where we had him scratching his testicles for a pellet of food. Again, this was a fairly easy task to accomplish over just a few sessions. When the room mate would come in for his lab time, the rat was quite full and when he did want a pellet of food he would ignore the room mates attempts to get him to go near the cup, and instead would just raise up and scratch himself. For two weeks the room mate would come back to the dorm and complain to no end about how stupid his rat was. My brother and I would bite our lips trying not to laugh.

So you ask, how does this have anything to do with current GOP candidates. Each time I watch one of their speeches where they use the terms: ("Defeat Barak-Obama", "Class Warfare", "Religious Freedom", "EPA", "Bomb Iran", "Abortion", etc.), it is like they are doing this to receive another pellet of food from the far right in the form of a vote or contribution. Don't get me wrong, all candidates on both sides do this, however not to this extent. Chris Mathis and several other reporters and pundits have actually stopped interviews with Barbara Bachman, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, and others and asked point blank if they were in a trance since the talking points were all they could get out of them, which had nothing to do with the questions being asked. Several reporters have complained that Romney never answers the question asked and goes directly to a different talking point. It is almost like the end of a Nascar race when the winning driver just mentions all his sponsors without saying anything.

I cannot watch any of these candidates during an interview and not think of Topo rising up and scratching his testicals for that pellet. They all need the far right so bad they have lowered themselves to being no more than a rat in an experiment and can no longer think for themselves. I wonder if at the end of the day if those pellets were worth it.

For all of you that think what we did to the room mate was cruel, you are right. We did go to the professor at the end of the lab and confess. Luckily, she also thought it was hilarious and gave us all credit as it did prove that positive reinforcement did work. It only took the room mate about a month and pony keg to get over it.

So to all the GOP candidates, enjoy your pellets now as it does not appear after this political season you will have anything more than what our rats deposited from eating those pellets left in your cage. Who is going to clean up the mess that you have left behind?

T1Truth

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In what some experts are calling a strong indicator of improvement in the economy, Republicans in recent weeks have begun renewing their claims that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

While most economists agree that any significant improvement in the US economy is generally accompanied by an uptick in GOP questions about Mr. Obama’s place of birth, there is now an econometric tool for measuring the increase in those claims: the so-called S & P Birther Index.

For past issues, check out the Pander Weekly Archive 

Where are the "outraged" Republican leaders??
Rush Limbaugh calls this young women (in photo as she testifies in front of congress) a slut, a hooker, suggests she put her sex acts on the net etc.

Really, thats okay with the Republicans???

If anyone supports guys like Rush and his ilk they are as guilty as those clowns- unless, unless-they speak up!!!

Really, a Republican leader speaking up against Rush???

Where is a mature Republican? 

Where is Willard, Santorum,  Newt and Paul??? I guess they agree with Rush, as they are silent. 

President Barack Hussein Obama showed why he is a world class man by speaking with Fluke Friday afternoon. He “wanted to express his disappointment that she has been the subject of inappropriate personal attacks and to thank her for exercising her rights as a citizen to speak out on an issue of public policy,” 
Are Republicans driving off the cliff?
Obama-once again showing why he is here at the right time for all the right reasons.
We are deafened by Republican silence-----

Back Issues for your Pleasure.....

Pander Weekly Volume 12 -- No Free Aspirin

Pander Weekly Volume 11 -- Voldy 2012!

Pander Weekly Volume 10 -- So What?

Pander Weekly Volume 9 -- Gingrich Moonbase Plans

Pander Weekly Volume 8 -- Ron Paul Is Tired

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newspaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

It baffles me how any group could misunderstand the world and real issues that we face as society as much as the GOP. When wondering about how this could happen, it dawned on me that everything is just to complicated for them to understand. Once you begin to look at some of their professed beliefs then it dawned on me that we need to help them out. This article is dedicated to providing some approaches for helping the GOP understand. It is not intended to provide all the answers, however, just maybe it may help the GOP to grasp the concepts and will be able to assist our Republican friends to begin to see the light.

Problem:

Most Repbulicans believe that abortion is wrong even in the case of rape or incest.

Solution:

Have all birth control pills made by Smith and Wesson, Northrop Gruman, Bain, or Haliburton.

Problem,

Most Republicans do not believe Climate Change is real even though there are 7 Billion people on the planet, we are approaching 1 Billion vehicles on the road, you cannot drive through any city without seeing smoke billowing into the air, and the ice caps are melting at increasing rate. The problem is that this is such a complex issue for them.

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas"

—Rep. Michelle Bachmann, April, 2009

Solution:

Have each Republican ride in an elevator with someone passing gas and see if they can grasp the concept.

Problem:

Statements such as: I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church & State." from Thomas Jefferson in 1802, are understood this way by Tea-publicans.

"Do you know, where does this phrase separation of church and state' comes from? It was not in Jefferson's letter to Danbury Baptists. The exact phrase separation of Church and State' came out of Adolph Hitler's mouth, that's where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they're Nazis."

—Glen Urquhart, the Tea Party-backed Repulibcan nominee for the Delaware House seat held by Rep. Mike Castle, April 2010

Solution:

Never create a sentence longer than a few words when talking or writing to your Republican friends as it only serves to confuse them and they most likely will not be able to focus on a long sentence to get to the point.

Problem:

Most Republicans cannot accept responsibility and feel the need to turn all the decisions over to God.

Solution:

Assure that we provide candidates that have the guts to tackle the real issues, accept responsibility, are willing to solicit assistance from the best and brightest to find real solutions, elect them, and take away all the responsibility so that we can take care of our unfortunate friends and relieve them of all the burdens that so terrify them.

O.K.

I think we all now have a good idea of what we need to do to help out our unfortunate friends. Speak simply, associate to corporations that they like, give them basic examples, and relieve them of all responsibility.

(Click on the image included in this article for a bonus that you may hang on your dart boards.)

T1Truth

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Keeping with the old saying of "Keep Your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer" in mind, I try to read some postings on GOP Web Sites each week. (Everyone needs a hobby on a snowy day and I invite everyone to try to go to one GOP states web site each week to see how they are keeping the sheep in the pen.) This week I ran across this statement from Sue Everhart (GAGOP Chairman) on the official Georgia Republican Party web page:

“On behalf of Republicans across Georgia and our friends in the Ohio Republican Party, I am deeply disappointed in today’s developments regarding the 2012 Super Tuesday Republican Presidential Debate. The decision of Governor Romney, Senator Santorum and Congressman Paul to forego an opportunity to address our state’s Republican primary voters, as well as voters across the nation, in a debate just days before Super Tuesday is truly disheartening. The efforts that Republican grassroots activists put in day after day should not go unrecognized, and it is my sincere hope that the candidates will reconsider this opportunity to speak directly to the driving force behind all that our Party will continue to accomplish.

“With 76 Delegates – the fourth-largest GOP delegation in the nation – Georgia’s voice will be heard louder than ever on March 6th when Republican voters in the Peach State, Ohio and eight other states will take to the polls to place their vote for the next Republican President of the United States. I wish each of the candidates the best of luck moving forward, and trust that our Party’s eventual nominee will not overlook Georgia’s two-million plus Republican voters before the general election.”

I was also struck by the fact nowhere on this site could I find any reference to anyone referencing the current issues of abortion or economic reforms other than keeping the highway tax dollars in Georgia. It appears that the GOP in Georgia feels slighted by everyone except Newt. Is anyone else thinking of flying to Florida rather than driving through if they would really back Newt?

Any predictions on Georgia for the GOP?

For some reason the following song came to mind.

The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal.

When he came across this young man sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot.
And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what:
"I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.
"Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil his due:
"I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, 'cos I think I'm better than you."

The boy said: "My name's Ricky and it might be a sin,
"But I'll take your bet, your gonna regret, 'cos I'm the best that's ever been."

Ricky you rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard.
'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.

The devil opened up his case and he said: "I'll start this show."
And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.
And he pulled the bow across his strings and it made an evil hiss.
Then a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.
When the devil finished, Ricky said: "Well you're pretty good ol' son.
"But sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done."

Fire on the mountain, run boys, run.
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin' out dough.
"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."

The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
He laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Ricky's feet.
Ricky said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I'm the best there's ever been."

And he played fire on the mountain, run boys, run.
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pan, now they're pickin' out dough.
"Granny, will your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."

T1Truth

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As the Republican or Tea-publican party cannot seem to settle on a candidate, strategy, or minimal competancy level needed for the 2012 election, it is clear that soon one of the four remaining suitor's for the Republican nomination must break out soon or else a third party run could be in the making. The media has been talking a lot lately about a possible brokered convention or even a possible opening for a 3rd party run. When I thought about this last night it reminded me of the 1968 3rd party run by Pat Paulsen. Pat founded the "Straight Talking American Government Party (STAG Party)" in 1968 with the ideal of shooting straight and using satire to point out the foolishness that exists in Washington. I am sure a lot of readers have never heard of Pat Paulsen or his gallant effort to unseat many a President. Pat ran for President in 1968, 72, 80, 88, 92, and 1996. Pat beat out Ross Parot in the ND primary season as well as garnering more votes in several primaries and caucuses than many established politicians over the years. This included finishing 2nd in at least two state primaries. At the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, Paulsen addressed California delegates before other candidates spoke to them in a preemptive strike. (You have to respect his resolve.)

It is my belief that the Republicans could learn much from Mr. "P", and if not careful, in this silly season could be challenged by a member of the STAG Party. This is warning to the Republican Party that it may be bad enough to take a thrashing from the Democrats, it may be even worse to be shown up by a STAG. Mr. Paulsen's son (Monty Paulsen) may just be that party member that steps up and carries the torch forward. (Ron you are not the only one with a child following in your foot steps.) For those Republicans that understandjust how far out there their current crop of candidates are, you may always vote STAG to protest your current crop of incompetents. Below I will try to help you understand Pat's political views if that would help:

To understand Pat's political views I am including many of Pat's quotes and some video's for you. After reading and viewing them I am sure everyone (at least on the Democratic side) will undoubtedly understand what we have lost from Pat no longer being able to jump into the frey this year. 

Pat tried to get all of his opponents to elevate their games by stating: "I've upped my standards. Now, up yours." He felt: "All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian." Pat believed that: "If elected, I will win" and that he was "Just a common, ordinary, simple savior of America's destiny." Pat knew the establishment was after him and said: "I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying."

I challenge all to take a look at Pat's stand on the current issues facing our society below as you may be hearing from the STAG Party soon. This will be a direct present from the current crop of Republican candidates. (Term used losely.) We have also included a few video's of Pat to help you make up your mind, and for your enjoyment.

 On Education:

"Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education."

On Taxes:

"No taxes. Let's just tip the government 15%"

On Drugs:

"Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them."

Forgeign Aid:

"We should tell every country to send us whatever they can"

Foreign Affairs:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman."

Illegal Imigration:

"I don't want to say too much about illegal immigration. I'm afraid my views will be reported on the Cinco O'Clock News."

Criminal Justice:

Miranda Warning: "Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business."

Sex Education:

"Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with."

Gun Control:

When asked if he believed in the right to bear arms: "No, I believe in the right to arm bears."

Political Party Afiliation and Views:

"I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short."

"I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird."

"If either the right wing or the left wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."

"I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limosines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!"

"Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!"

If None of the Current Group Look Good, Vote STAG!

T1Truth

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As a political observer in 2012 and fully believing that we need at least two viable political parties to assure that a full discussion of public policy takes place, With that said, it takes two rational parties for productive discussions. Again, as an observer it appears the Republican Party now fits the definition below which precludes any productive discussion to take place between the two parties.

R = Reactionary (opposed to progressive social or political change)

E = Evangelical (enthusiastic or zealous in support of a particular cause and very eager to make other people share its beliefs or ideals)

P = Pious (characterized by a hypocritical concern with virtue or religious devotion; sanctimonious.)

U = Unyielding (not giving in to persuasion, pressure, or force)

B = Brazen (expressing boldness and a complete lack of shame)

L = Listless (lacking energy, interest, or the willingness to make an effort)

I= Ideologists (a person advocating a particular ideology)

C = Chauvinistic (militant devotion to and glorification of one's country; fanatical patriotism)

A = Angry (feeling or showing anger or strong resentment)

N= Narcissists (a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish)

We did not add the (S) to Republican as for some reason it seemed like playing T'ball. Each of readers may suggest though if you wish. Here we will get you started: (Sanctimonious, selfish, self-serving, .......) You are on your own from here.

T1Truth

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As a news junkie, I tend to read both sides of American politics. (Hold your friends close and your enemies closer.) This political silly season has been better than any since the 1800's when the candidates would use personal attacks and outright lies routinely. (That is if you like the entertainment value.) In the 1800's there was also no shortage of commentators on both sides each demonizing the other. Actually in this era, the printed word by far was the way in which most Americans were informed of who was running for what office, what others were saying about them, and what the candidates actually had to say. The latter being the least of what the public was informed of as routinely the journalists of the time would take poetic license as many do now. Without television and raido most Americans had no idea what the candidates actually said, how they said it, and many times even what they looked like.

In the election of 1800 it was printed that, Jefferson, the Federalists said, would bring the guillotine and French Jacobin terror to America. Adams, the Republicans responded, was intent on refastening the tyranny of the British monarch.

On October 15th, 1864 the Harpers Weekly published about Lincoln:The chief charge against the Administration, thundered in every key, is its despotism. It is incessantly asserted that personal liberty is destroyed, that original rights are annihilated, that we are all the cowering, shivering subjects of the bloody Emperor ABRAHAM, who brings us all to our knees by pointing to one of the innumerable bastiles which shadow the land ; all of us, except ARNOLD VON WINKELRIED VALLANDIGHAM, and JOHN HAMPDEN WOOD, and WILLIAM TELL GUNTHER, and PATRICK HENRY LONG, and GEORGE WASHINGTON SEYMOUR, who bravely withstand the tyrant for the sake of justice and human rights. But with these exceptions, we are all groaning under the most intolerable tyranny, from which there is no hope of deliverance but by intrusting the Government to the hands of these patriots."

"It is simply impossible to make them believe, after their experience of his patient fidelity to the Union, that he is a monstrous despot or a political gambler. The American people, we are very sure, are firmly persuaded that Mr. VALLANDIGHAM does not love the Union more than Mr. LINCOLN ; that Mr. WOOD is not truer to popular rights ; nor Governor SEYMOUR, whose "friends" are the riotous violators of the public peace and the mad assassins of the poor and defenseless, more faithful to the Constitution than the President of the United States. The conservative power and influence of pure and lofty personal character, in a time of great national peril, was never more signally illustrated than in the official career of ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

I am sure these sound familiar and there were many more vicious personal attacks on candidates of the time and against their families.

This election cycle as those of the past are dominated by journalists, comedians, and talk show hosts from which most public opinion is formed. For that reason I wish to start a movement to have three post Presidential debate debates. Each 30 minutes long with the following participants and based upon a specific national interest. I am aking all of our readers to send in questions they would like to see for these three debates so that we may select six for each post debate. I am also asking that we all begin a write in campaign to each of these shows requesting these debates. Lets see if given a chance to confront one another on these prime topics which ones would have the intestinal fortitude and confidence in themselves and their causes to accept.

1) Bill Maher vs Glenn Beck on Social and Domestic Issues

2) Stephen Colbert vs Rush Limbaugh on Economics

3) John Stewart vs Bill O'Reilly on Foriegn Affairs

Suggestions for these debates are welcome. Come on, you know you all want to see this.

T1Truth

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Back Issues for your Pleasure.....

Pander Weekly Volume 11 -- Voldy 2012!

Pander Weekly Volume 10 -- So What?

Pander Weekly Volume 9 -- Gingrich Moonbase Plans

Pander Weekly Volume 8 -- Ron Paul Is Tired

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

Nation:

It is my obligation to inform you of the assault on our right to remain ignorant that is being inflicted on our nation by one Mr. Stephen Colbert. That is why I must give a "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" to Mr. Colbert for trying to destroy our cause of remaining oblivious to the truth.

Yesterday a friend made a comment to me regarding who they believed was the most patriotic American today. I am not sure exactly why but my first thought was a statement from George Carlin relating  to who he thought the bravest man to have ever lived was. Not Columbus for sailing into the unknown, not the first astronaut to enter space, and not Alexander the Great, but the first person to drink milk. As I remember his reasoning for this was something about having the courage to see a two thousand pound animal standing in a field and deciding they were going to go suck on it's udder to see what they would get. This then lead to the thought that I believe that Stephen Colbert may be the most patriotic and courageous American of our time for his efforts to enlighten us through humor. Granted this is a convoluted trip to come to this conclusion and you are free to disagree.

Stephen has taken on gay rights, Super PAC's, many politicians, world leaders, food safety, global warming, health care, banks, corporations, news departments, airlines, terrorism, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the military, child labor, women's rights, contraception, religion, parenthood, animal rights, and much more. The real shame here is those who need this humor the most are the ones that do not watch or can not understand, for if if they did, Stephen would be out of work.

Nation: It is obvious Mr. Colbert is using a powerful subliminal broadcast to make me believe he is one of the most patriotic Americans as he has gotten through my patented aluminium foil shield that I use when watching his show. He has managed to indoctrinate me into his group of followers. Save yourselves, as it appears it is to late to save me from enlightenment.

If you need proof, here are some of the most incendiary quotes to our cause by Mr. Colbert:

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.” 

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“Equations are the devil's sentences.”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”

“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and every-body's high!”

Nation it is time for the "The Word" on this subject:

We must counter act the truth that Mr. Colbert is so adept at pointing out. To this end we are announcing today our exploratory committee to form a Super Pac named "SavingIgnoranceTodayTomorrow" to counter Mr. Colbert's assault on our ignorance. 

This Super Pac will be dedicated to getting Mr. Colbert simulcast on Fox News, beginning a Twitter campaign of "Not Afraid to be Wrong to be Right", exposing the truth for what it is, producing bumper stickers and bill boards indicating "I am Not Afraid to be Wrong to be Right", and assuring the wisdom of Abraham, Martin, and John are no longer carried on by Stephen, Bill, and John.

Mr. Colbert's courage and wit to continue to be right by being wrong cannot be tolerated any longer. If this is allowed to continue, everyone may see our heros (Sarah, Rick, Barbara, and Newt) as being flawed. If that happens, our old enemy "The Truth" may have to be dealt with. I shudder to think.

Nation - it is now up to you: Expose the truth for what it is and do not be afraid to be wrong to be right. Get the word out via any method you can to all your conservative friends that they must be vigilant or suffer the same fate that has befallen me.

Save Yourselves, Nation!

Edited 02.17.2012 4:51PM All our best wishes for Stephen Cobert,  Lorna Colbert, and all the Colbert family.

Edited 02.22.2012 8:30AM We are glad that she is "Tough as Nails" and that you are back.

T1Truth

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Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has declared his campaign to be “The Second Coming,” after learning that his birth certificate identifies him as the Son of God.

“I thought I might be related to Superman,” Santorum said. “But to be the Son of God is something no one even imagines. Now I know why I can never seem to get my feet wet at the beach.”

Back Issues for your Pleasuire.....

Pander Weekly Volume 10 -- So What?

Pander Weekly Volume 9 -- Gingrich Moonbase Plans

Pander Weekly Volume 8 -- Ron Paul Is Tired

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

(continued in first comment)

If you did not like this you certainly will not enjoy.....

Pander Weekly Volume 9 -- Gingrich Moonbase Plans

Pander Weekly Volume 8 -- Ron Paul Is Tired

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

They’re not all Crooks!

I seem to be hearing more and more people say, “Ah, they’re all crooks!” whenever any positive comments are made about a particular politician.

Most recently I heard it while a group of volunteers were serving a lunch and complimenting the president on his State of the Union address. There were comments made by others about how it was all “just political” and that he didn’t mean anything by his comments beyond trying to lure in the unsuspecting. One of the people in the group asked a detractor whom they were going to support. The comment about all of them being crooks was readily accepted by a number of people inclined to vote for anyone but the current president.

It appears that those making such statements are unable, or unwilling; to sift through their minds the choices available that might be running au contraire to their preconceived ideas.

Enough with the equivalency remarks!

Everyone is not a crook and everyone doesn’t cheat on his wife or stash money in overseas banks. Not everyone is richer than Croesus or had a lace-curtain upbringing.
There are, believe it or not, many members of Congress, the Senate, the judiciary and yes, in the White House, that are upstanding members of society dedicated to doing their level best to serve our country.
Sure, everyone has personal foibles but they don’t deserve to be constantly lumped in with those that have truly jumped the shark.

They are not all crooks!!!

If you did not like this you certainly will not enjoy.....

Pander Weekly Volume 8 -- Ron Paul Is Tired

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

Back Issues for your amusement....

Pander Weekly Volume 7 -- Romney's Green Monster

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

Dear Betty,
You look so fantastic and full of energy, I can’t believe you’re 90 years old. In fact, I don’t believe it.
That’s why I’m writing to ask if you will produce a copy of your long-form birth certificate.
Thanks, and happy birthday, no matter how old you are.

 If this offends you, certainly do not check out...

Pander Weekly Volume 6 -- 'Snow Global Warming

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

Back Issues for your amusement....

Pander Weekly Volume 5 -- Oil The Best For 2012!

Pander Weekly Special Edition -- Cain Newpaper

Pander Weekly Volume 4 -- 2012 Predictions Issue

Pander Weekly Volume 3 -- Guns & Christmas

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue

"Doctored" Oral Fleece takes Paul Supporters to tasks and explains why mixing your medicine can lead to results like this, which will cause the cost of Depends to Sky Rocket, turning seniors into criminals.

It was the kind of year that made a person look back fondly on the Gulf oil spill.

Granted, the oil spill was bad. But it did not result in a high-decibel, weeks-long national conversation about a bulge in a congressman’s underpants. Which is exactly what we had in the Festival of Sleaze that was 2011. Remember?

The Tea Partiers know the truth about President Obama. Of course what they call the truth and what the rest of us call the truth are two different things.

Recently Mitt Romney accused Barack Obama of not understanding the good old USA. Unfortunately, there is no way of proving or disproving this accusation, however the good citizen I am is ready to help Mr. Obama fully understand the country he leads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELCOME TO LEAFYDEBATER'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING AMERICA

To play guide, press 1. To hear fart jokes, press 2. To order Chinese food, press 3.

~~~~~

Greetings citizen of this planet. Welcome to Leafydebater's guide to understanding America. This guide's purpose is to bring you up to speed about the fundamentals of the greatest country in the world in a few minute's worth of equations. The only requirement for reading this guide is that you understand English and/or you know how to read. If you don't know how to read, then continue staring blankly at these words while I say silly things. Fuggubitydoop beleepeboop ballywahoo. For the rest of you, congratulations. You just learned the first thing about this country: we often say silly things that serve no purpose except to make ourselves feel better.

Let us start off with some American history. Michele Bachmann, please take good notes on this section. You will be quizzed after:

1. Native Americans + Christopher Columbus = Indians
2. Indians + Christopher Columbus = Slaves
3. Native Americans + Europeans = No More Native Americans
4. Southern Colonies - 5% of population = Slaves
5. Slaves + Plantations = Misery
6. Slaves + Harriet Tubman = Canada
7. Taxes + Bostonians + Too Much Beer = Boston Tea Party x Anger = American Revolution
8. American Revolution x George Washington = Bye bye British
9. No More British/Congress = US Constitution
10. Constitution + Changing America = Civil War = Bye Bye Slaves
11. Free Slaves / Resentful South = Canada
12. WW2 + America = Bye bye Hitler
13. American Men + French girls = Most of Europe
14. America / What America Does Best = Nuclear weapons = Bye Bye Japan
15. America + Nukes = Pissed off Russia
16. Terrorists + Skyscrapers = TSA
17. Sarah Palin + SNL = Obama Victory

And that sums up everything significant in American History.

Now, we turn our attention to more relevant topics of modern-day America:

1. People + Beer = Boston
2. People + Rehab = LA
3. Hippies x Mary-jane = San Francisco
4. People + Bible + Thumping = Deep South
5. Canada = 51st State
6. Men + Insecurities = Superbowl
7. Superbowl + Good Commercials = Only thing worth watching on TV
8. Beer + Drugs + Sex - Brain Cells / Stupid People = Jersey Shore
9. Jersey Shore - Italy - (Sex, Drugs, Beer) x Lack of brain cells ^2 + Deafness = Washington
10. Washington + Procrastination = Congress
11. People + Boredom = NASCAR
12. Facebook + Real Life = Teenager
13. Terrorists + Animals = PETA
14. People + Food = America
15. Golf + Brothel = House of Tiger
16. Teenage Girls + Lack of Proper Role Models = Twilight and Justin Bieber
17. Wyoming + Population x10 = Deserve to be a state
18. Washington + Happiness and Satisfaction = Imagination

Those are the most basic equations for surviving in this country. You are almost fully understanding of America! There is only one step left.

To become fully understanding of America, please say the following paragraph:

I am an American. That means I am better than anyone else on this planet, even my fellow Americans. I pray to only two people: Jesus and Chuck Norris. I can't handle the truth, therefore my politicians have every right to lie to me whenever they deem it to be necessary. I will work from 9 to 5, and by working I mean staring at that really cute coworker in the cubicle next to mine. After that, I will go home and yell and scream at the TV as my favorite sports team prepares to blow their 1 game winning streak. Unless I'm from Boston or New York, because my teams are too good and I'm probably too drunk to care that I'm actually screaming at the painting of my grandmother. I share many qualities with Homer Simpson, the savior of my life. I will pay attention to anyone and anything important in the celebrity world and I won't care about real issues. I will be able to confidently identify every celebrity by seeing their feet while being unable to find the US on a map of the US. But it's ok, because my politicians will tell me what to do and how to vote, even if he or she is really just pointing and yelling things like fuggubitydoop beleepeboop ballywahoo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations, you now understand America. Now go out, find the nearest pizza store, and order 100 Big Macs in celebration!

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Angered that a movie about the death of Osama bin Laden will debut just before the 2012 election, Republicans today said they will release a rebuttal film that “accurately portrays” how the terrorist leader was killed by low taxes, conservative values, and a Navy SEAL team comprised of Michelle Bachmann’s 23 adopted children.

According to filmmakers, the GOP movie will reveal that Obama’s plan for the attack – little more than crashing a helicopter on bin Laden – was rejected by the Pentagon, which instead followed a strategy laid out by Republican leaders, who received the plan directly from God after an all-night prayer vigil.

 

Although the entire cast has not been set, bin Laden will be portrayed by Pakistani-American actor Faran Tahir, who played the merciless terrorist Raza in the film “Iron Man.” Tahir will also take on the dual role of President Obama, which producers said was done solely due to budget constraints, and apologized ahead of time for any confusion resulting from the two characters, “being so incredibly similar.”

The producers, Andrew Breitbart and James O’Keefe, provided a synopsis during a press conference this morning:

“We start off showing how Obama is totally out of touch,” Breitbart said. “First of all, any SEAL that wants in on the raid has to donate $1,000 to Obama’s re-election fund. That leads to a really heart-wrenching scene where this proud-but-poor SEAL pleads with Obama, saying, ‘Please don’t make me choose between feeding my family and defending America,’ and the President is really frustrated and says, ‘Fine, but you’ll have to work the phones in New Hampshire.’

“So, Obama’s plan – his entire plan — is to send in a helicopter and crash it into bin Laden. It’s unbelievable. And because Obama cut the defense budget to make America less secure, the chopper doesn’t even have rotors, so naturally it crashes. Which as you know is exactly what happened.”

Washington DC - With the stroke of a pen, President Barack Obama has rescued the world from a catastrophic economic meltdown.  

The president signed into law today The Quantitative Time Act, effectively freeing every man, woman and child on the planet from any debt that they might have signed-up for over the past three decades.

Better known as the Cover Your Assets Directive, the new law resets the fiscal calendar to 30 years ago so that all banking and investment transactions are back dated to 1981. That means any car loan, mortgage, home equity line or other debt less than 30 years old has already been paid in full in the real-time world of 2011. 

“This is like daylight savings time on steroids,” Obama  explained. “The Quantitative Time Act means there are no more toxic loans out there, Greece can go back to being Greece, Trump and go back to being a douche, and the banking and investment gangs can move on to new scams and frauds.”

The wizards of Wall Street, who rarely pass up an opportunity to demonstrate their capacity for being long on greed and short on brains, agreed. 

“This is better than a ‘do over,’ ” said a spokesman for a major investment firm. “This is a ‘never happened.’ Now we’re free to go out and make the same expensive mistakes all over again, and get away with it all over again. I smell big bonuses for everyone on the street.”

And there will be no one to complain. The debt clock reversal essentially ends protests over the unfair distribution of wealth in America. “Most of those protesters hadn’t even been born yet in 1981,” Obama said. “So by turning back the clock, we are invalidating their birth certificates. Ironic, ain’t it?”

The president had no trouble getting the law past the Republican controlled House of Representatives. “The Republicans are always nostalgic about the Reagan era,” Obama said.  “Well, happy new year.  1981 is here again, only this time, I’m in charge.”

This week, Sheriff Joe Arpaio has teamed up with fellow birther Orly Taitz in resurrecting the ridiculous "birther" issue.  Arpaio now says that he has evidence regarding Obama's birth that will even surprise Taitz.  Birther lunacy aside, it is pretty interesting that none of us have ever seen Sheriff Joe Arpaio's birth certificate.  "Arpaio" is an unusual, foreign-sounding name, which the sheriff claims is Italian in origin.  Could Arpaio have been born in Italy, perhaps? Given his age, if he was born in Italy, it would mean he was born during Benito Mussolini's dictatorship. Why has he never presented his birth certificate for scrutiny?  He owes it to Americans to prove that he is a natural born citizen - not an illegal alien or even an anchor baby, used by his fascist immigrant parents' ability to remain in the U.S.A. to receive benefits. Why hasn't the Director of the Department of Health of Massachusetts ever certified that Arpaio was really born in Springfield? Why hasn't his birth certificate been posted online so voters can view it?  Why has he never presented it to law enforcement officials for verification? None of us have not been allowed to view or hold his birth certificate. Think about that for a moment. Why is Arpaio keeping all of us from personally holding, viewing and scrutinizing his birth certificate?

In addition, why hasn't he ever produced his parents' naturalization papers? He claims they came to this country legally, through Ellis Island, but none of us have ever personally seen proof. Is it possible that his entire career has been built on fighting illegal immigration as a smokescreen to hide his own illegal or anchor baby status?   Is he a closeted illegal immigrant?

Join me in demanding that Sheriff Joe Arpaio release his long-form birth certificate and show us his proof of citizenship.  No expertly-done forgeries, please.  The real deal.

Free Wood Post is pleased to present this handy visual aid to help the public distinguish Marxists and Nazis in modern American politics.

Jon Stewart is amazing-- as always!

We hear it all the time from some on the religious right, ad nauseum in fact; the wrath of God is showing itself all across America.  Storms and floods and fires are raging, all as a sign of God being mightily pissed at the progressives and their anti-bible stance. 

To the extremes on the right President Obama is a Muslim, an anti-Christ, a murderer of the innocent, an anti-American heretic who you would imagine they would love to see burnt at the stake if they had their way.  So the question is why is Obama president?  I mean if God is all the all seeing, all powerful omnipotent presence who wishes to see a theocracy across the land then why did he let President Obama win the election?  Surely he would have altered the minds of the many, put McCain into the White House and then bumped him off so a ‘real Christian’, in the shape of Sista Sarah could have worked miracles across the land?    Surely that would have been much easier than all the smiting God has had to do to show his displeasure at all the evil doers across the land?  I think he must be running low on locusts at the moment but I am sure that is next.

So tell me, if President Obama is all the things that the right say he is why on earth would God allow him to be a mighty and powerful ruler over ‘God’s own country’?  Punishing the theocratic faithful in such a cruel way.  You have to wonder, huh?

Sent to me in an email:

Everyone of you will love this one::::

The President has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".
 
The President also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Conservatives, however, have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Okay; your turn!

Hudson Rush Reporting

In a move never thought possible, Democrat "President" Barack Obama, for one twenty-four hour period, claimed for himself the House of Representatives, the Senate and the Supreme Court.  Asked why he would do such a thing, Obama casually responded, "Well, uh, um, aha, um, uh ..."  This reporter then agreed to allow Obama's squadron of teleprompters accessibility to this interview and he responded later with: "My fellow Americans: after a short, refreshing nap, I came to the conclusion that what this country needs was not jobs or safe borders or even a boost to the economy, but a total usurpation of both Houses which make the law and of the Supreme Court which interprets the law.  By doing so, I intend to inflict this country with every facet of liberalism at my disposal.  Some might see this as an act of war; however, I see this as a much needed political science experiment the aim of which is to prove the superiority of the philosophy of Liberalism.  Being a blowhard ideologue I can assure the American people that the ends always (and I mean always) justify the means." 

Under controversial Executive Order 666, "President" Barack Obama wrote:

By the authority vested in me by the constitution, my mother, Saul Alinsky and all the laws of these 57 United States of America, and in order to promote the philosophies of Liberalism, socialism, Marxism and Un-Americanism, it is hereby ordered, under Executive Order 666 that the executive branch of the United States government, i.e. me, shall assume full authority of every facet of making law and intrepreting that law.  Further, Executive Order 666 shall impose the following rules:

1) Every Liberal policy shall be considered the Rule of the Land, up to and including:

  a) Everyone is Equal. except: the rich, the successful, the conservative-minded female, gun enthusiasts, those advocating personal responsibility, those that enjoy carbon based power, anyone that claims association with the Tea Party or their philosophy, capitalists, conservative-minded males and anyone critical of me or my inept policies. 

  b) Capitalism is ILLEGAL

  c) Kumbaya is the ONLY recognized National Anthem of the United States of America

  d) Taxes are mandatory, except those that are employed within my administration

  e) Big Burger, Big Nicotine, Big Booze, Big Pharma, Big Pizza, Big Oil, Big Soda are all companies that are considered         enemies of the state and are ripe for ridicule, shame and extinction at the business-end of my ideological wrath.

  2) For this 24 Hour experiment, the head of the executive branch, i.e. me, shall be referred to as "Royal Highness" or "Generalissimo" or "The One"  or (my personal favorite) "El Jefe."

  3) For this 24 Hour experiment there are 57 states and more to come

4) Teleprompters, my teleprompters, shall be given full citizenship status and allowed to be used as tax deductions.

5) Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the Attorney General's Office will implement Fast and Furious II: Even More Guns in the Hands of Those That Will Use Afforementioned Guns to Kill Americans.  With a little help from our little friend, Tony Montana from Cuba, every Mexican drug cartel thug will be armed with an American assult rifle, an American Colt .45 and one thousand rounds of ammunition.  The A.G. will of course sponsor this but will in no way be implicated.

6) Those that have more, i.e. the "rich", shall be summarily executed at dawn, their fortunes confiscated and their heirs summarily executed at dusk.

7) Success shall be VERBOTEN.

8) Failure is to be rewarded in the form of Government checks and subsidies.

9) CO2 shall be outlawed and classified as "evil" for its involvement in the farce that is  called "Global Warming."  In                  doing so, all flora shall be considered the enemy of the state for its CO2 production and treated as such.

The Aftermath of Executive Order 666:

University of Phoenix too expensive for you? No worries! Leafydebater offers top of the line courses fit for any person's needs at absolutely no cost!

Today's topic: HOW TO TALK LIKE MICHELE BACHMANN.

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Step 1: Analyze the question thoroughly.

This step is the most difficult, because all five brain cells need to be used. Take the question at hand and pick it apart. What is the main objective of this question? Is it a mere discussion of policy, or is it trying to back you into a corner? Is it about something you really care about? Is it nonpolitical? Do you know what that really big word means?

For this lesson, we're going to use a moderately-difficult question. You are asked the following:

As President, what would your plans be for the future stability of the Middle East?

Notice immediately that this is a backing-into-a-corner question, because you, or rather, Michele neither knows anything about, nor cares about the Middle East. However, to appear honest you must answer the question as clearly as you can. What are the big topics in this sentence? There are only three big things worth paying attention to: President (this should be an immediate alarm), future stability (you don't know what this means), and Middle East, (the Island next to Australia on the map).

Now that the question has been analyzed, you must form your response. This leads us to step 2.

Step 2: Use the text given to you in the question.

This is the most important step, because it will make you look like you know what you're talking about, while letting you dodge a question you know you won't like. Use the implied position, in this case, you are the President of the United States. You must also use the subject, in this case the Middle East, no more and no less than once. Here is your response to this point:

As President, I _______— the Middle East ___________.

For those of you who don't know what those symbols mean, here is the response written out in long form:

As President, I blankety blank blank blank the Middle East blankety blank blank blank.

Step 3: Use several related topics to fatten your response.

Because you only have a slight idea of what a "Middle East" is, you now must think of related subjects to insert into this response. In an average response, use a historical figure, a location, a reference to the constitution, and an idealistic Conservative policy. Sometimes, you may even have to insert other things, such as a fruit, into your response. That's not needed.

Your response so far:

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with Israel so they won't take all of our oil.

In that statement, you have Thomas Edison, who in Michele's opinion is one of the finest Presidents to ever exist, setting the slaves free and fighting for our independence from the Koreans. You also have Israel, which is that annoying waste of space (location) that Sarah Palin is in love with. You also have the Constitution's true gun policy, and the promise of more oil. That works nicely, but it is not complete yet.

Step 4: Insert an attack on Obama, combined with liberalism and gay marriage.

Obama and gay marriage are the two things that you (and conservatives) hate the most, so it's best to attack him every quarter sentence or so. Always mention gay marriage (and your dislike of the practice) at least once a line. It appeals a lot to mainstream America.

Your response so far:

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with homosexual-controlled Israel so they won't take all of our oil, therefore getting rid of Obama's big-government healthcare influence and freeing the region from the chaos caused by a liberal agenda.

Looking pretty good, but you're missing the most important and final step.

Step 5: Praise Jesus.

The center of your existence should always be made known to America and your faith should influence your Presidency thoroughly. Therefore, for every response to a question, Jesus should be present more than once in the answer.

It may not always be possible to weave Jesus into the current response. That is ok, just add a small sentence at the end and dedicate it fully to the Lord. It doesn't even have to be related to the subject at all. In this case, I've done both.

Your question, and final response:

As President, what would your plans be for the future stability of the Middle East?

As President, I will follow the example set by Thomas Edison, whose foreign policy directly reflects the Constitution's nonrestrictive God-given gun laws, to keep the middle east from fighting with homosexual-controlled Israel so they won't take all of our God-given oil, therefore getting rid of Obama's big-government healthcare influence and freeing the region from the chaos caused by a liberal agenda. This is a policy that I will pursue aggressively because Jesus has not yet saved the Middle East from Chinese elitists and I know that Jesus wants what I want for the starving children in Africa.

Sometimes Jesus can be your fallback to creating a decent response. If you're left with something that looks like Step 3, just insert Jesus between every word. It may not appeal to the intellectuals on Wall Street and the Pentagon, and the gas pumpers from the Shell station on exit 3, but there's a larger, more diverse portion of America that is far too stupid to know what the Middle East is. They will be satisfied by the "proper" use of Jesus.

To them, your response sounds like this:

As President, I will _______________— some guy, whose __________________— Constitution's __________— God-given gun laws, to keep _________________________homosexual-controlled __________________________God-given NASCAR stuffs, therefore ____Obama's _______— _____________________________— ___________________________________________________— __________________________Jesus ________saved _______________________________________Jesus ______________— _____________.

As long as you remain one of the most intelligent people on planet earth, it does not matter what your responses sound like to the average American, because they will vote for you because you are Christian, you are sexy, and you appear to be on top of every issue that they want resolved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations, you have successfully passed the "How to Talk like Michele Bachmann" course. You may now go out into the world and respond exactly as she would to any question that you are asked. 

Class dismissed!

I have compiled a list of statements, and how a Liberal and a Conservative would respond to each.

~~~

Your dog is a little overweight.

A democrat would say: 

If your dog makes less than $250,000/year he or she may be eligible to receive money from the government to help him/her on his/her weight loss journey.

A republican would say:

The big-government dictators are now trying to regulate the weight of my dog, what my dog can and cannot eat, and what time of day I'm allowed to feed him.

Santa Clause gives children presents.

A democrat would say:

Santa should be fired for his ageist ways towards gift giving and his teaching of the value of material wealth.

A republican would say:

Forget the wooden dolls, Santa should bring me some tax cuts.

That couch is a little worn.

A democrat would say:

The couch is aging and should be given free healthcare and large social security checks every month until it gets moved to the basement.

A republican would say:

That couch was sold to you by a homosexual sales clerk and should be burned immediately.

Get Smarter Here.

A democrat would say:

We should raise the taxes of anyone making $30 or more a year in order to properly fund this educational institution.

A republican would say:

The Liberals are pushing their agenda by trying to regulate where I must receive my education.

Paper or Plastic?

A democrat would say:

Neither, because both will benefit the wealthy CEOs that killed the trees and environments that these materials come from.

A republican would say:

The Obama government is now regulating what I can take my groceries home in and is using my tax money to pay for this.

I like Deviled Eggs.

A democrat would say:

Good for you. Deviled eggs, while difficult to make, are absolutely delicious.

A republican would say:

YOU GO AGAINST JESUS YOU HOMOSEXUAL LIBERAL-AGENDA PUSHER!!! 

Welcome to Camp Newsvine. For all of you who are new to this program, Camp Newsvine offers fun, productive activities that act as stepping stones to a successful and enjoyable career on this site. This is not at all a disguise to avoid scrutiny of our usual hellish ways, not at all. Nor was this sponsored by Nike. This article was definitely not sponsored by Nike. Nor am I being paid by Nike to write this article. However, you should definitely check out Nike. Nike is offering this cool summer-end sale on all shoes, 50% off, and athletic merchandise, 15% off. So yeah, definitely go check Nike out, but I am NOT being sponsored by Nike in any way.

~~~~~~~

So anyway, on to the upcoming events for Camp Newsvine before we shut down for the winter. If you would like to participate in any event, please sign up at the main office.

~On August 19th, we are taking a trip to Iowa to glitterbomb Michele Bachmann's house. We will also be running trips on the 25th, 29th, and September 2nd and 4th. 

~Tomorrow at 1PM we will be having an open discussion on the hacked 2004 Presidential Elections.

~On Sunday we will have a cutout of Georgie the Second by the dining hall, stop by if you would like to throw a shoe at it.

~August 30th we will feature a speaker, who will give a lecture on the Lies of President Obama during his election, immediately followed by cookies and a Q&A.

~September 5th we will have a geography class on Kenya and its strong geographic ties to Indonesia.

~Sarah Palin will be stopping by on the 11th on her "One Internet Sailboat Tour (sponsored by Nike) and giving a lecture on Israel. The next morning she will be giving a Cuban cooking class before her departure.

~The arts and crafts center will be open for the next week for all Macaroni sculptures. Paper plates will be provided.

~We will host a Waffle-eating contest sometime next week to celebrate the 2012 election kickoffs. More details to come.

~Daily sword fighting and archery classes will be held in preparation for defense budget cuts. All are required to participate.

~~~~~~~

One last friendly reminder to all Arts and Crafts and Archery students: Please do not wage wars inside camp boundaries, as both arrows and glitter bombs have the potential to seriously injure or even kill a fellow camper. Arrows are for the range only and glitter bomb tests should only be detonated over the nuclear facilities in Iran.

 Hilarious! The Great Debt Ceiling Debate!

In general, a Jon Stewart clip isn‘t complete if it doesn’t offend both the right and left. This, then, is a classic Stewart piece.

On Tuesday night, Stewart decided to tackle the president’s debt speech from Monday evening. Frances Martel over at Mediaite explains Stewart “enthusiastically brandished a hammer and sickle at the President for his calls to raise taxes on the rich, but found himself disillusioned at the rallying cry to call Congressmen and encourage them to compromise: ‘Did the President just quit?’”

Even though Stewart mocked those who think Obama has socialist tendencies, he also equally panned the president’s lackluster content, wondering why the president went on national TV to, in essence, ask people to call Congress.

“That’s your idea, call your congressman?” Stewart asked. Not happy, he compared it to him asking the president to come over and mow Stewart’s lawn.

You can watch the segment below:

WASHINGTON: Politicians returned from their small vacation from stalling today with refreshed minds, prepared to walk to their seats and begin even more stalling.

"I'm preparing to walk up to the podium and share my recipe for chicken wings." Said one, who wished to remain anonymous, "It has over 30 ingredients and should interest the rest of the senators tremendously."

Many politicians walked in today with rough outlines of the things that they wanted to talk about. The general consensus was to start with the economy, then move to pick a fight over coyote rights, and then shift over to the newest trends in supreme court wigs. Most politicians were not prepared to do anything except bicker endlessly over the economy, if they even got to it. They had more than 200 topics to talk over before the budget and deficit even appeared. Sources say that they may not even get to budget talks until Wednesday, and that one politician was planning on giving a small concert while on the podium. 

The politician did have something to say once we found her: "I'm singing mostly patriotic songs, and to wrap it up I'm going to sing some Lady Gaga and then "Rehab" in honor of Amy Winehouse."

Loretta von Birch overheard Obama's comments concerning the plans for this week: "Leafy, Obama is outraged, particularly because of the utter ridiculousness of some of their "skits". The politician who wishes to sing "Rehab" has him disgusted, because while it is a nice touch, it is unprofessional to sing a song about drug or alcohol use while in the forum. Obama has come just short of demanding that the politicians make headway on a solution or they will  be locked inside the forum for the night."

Once upon a time in the US of A, money troubles loomed in a most menacing way.  They had wrung up great debt over many long years, while Republicans gave tax cuts to only their peers.  There were wars, and Katrina, and Homeland Security.  Banker's bad practices put our cash flow into obscurity!  But then came a hero, he was quite a smarty.  Along came President Obama of the Democratic Party!

The Republicans got angry that Obama came 'round.  They were certain the nation would be socialist-bound.  Before his inauguration, they blamed Obama for all, and vowed that in Congress forever they'd stall.  They would blockade everything Obama would try, and giggle with fervor while the nation's economy would die.  But Obama was tough and he tried to be nice, even though the Republicans scurried like mice.  They gleefully said that they hoped he would fail, and expressed their desire that greed would prevail.

Obama's solutions were simple and good.  He wanted compromise where bluntness once stood.  "We should increase taxes and make spending cuts."  But the Republicans said "No, this is better... we'll just act nuts!"  So off to the town halls they bussed themselves in, under the banner of "The Tea Party," to the nation's chagrin.  They would scream and they'd cry if things weren't to spec... everything had to be done their way, even though their way caused the wreck.

"We must cut spending!" the Republicans would shout, "And if we don't get our way then forever we'll pout!"  They claimed lower taxes could save the nation from trouble, though to see the low tax rates you'd need to use Hubble.  Taxes were the lowest they had ever been in history, but why the economy wasn't booming?  To Republicans, that was a mystery!  They didn't quite get that their ideas were all wrong.  But after trying for years, they kept their theme song.  They demanded that things be continued their way, even though those ideas had caused the nation its dismay.

Glenn Beck and Boehner together did cry, while Bachmann and Romney continued to try.  They'd run for election to defeat the incumbent, while Obama continued to try and pay the nation's rent.  But the people could see that Obama was trying.  They started to see that Fox News had been lying.  The Republicans were kicking their feet like spoiled children, while Bachmann screamed out like an old sea siren.  They decided together the debt ceiling they'd kill, because if Republicans can't have the nation, then nobody will!

They wanted to lose Social Security and Medicaid/ Medicare... not one helpful government program would Republicans spare.  What they failed to understand was that the people would be angry,  Many voters loved those programs... they weren't thirsty for tea.  So Republicans continued to dig their own electoral grave, incapable of realizing how the people wanted them to behave.

And so the debt ceiling talks do continue today.  But the ceiling must be raised... there's no time for delay.  If Republicans keep stalling, the people will throw them out, and no longer will it matter if they huff or they pout.  But until then, Republicans will continue to whine.  They'll cry about tax rates and claim their visions are divine.  But the people are saying quite loud and quite clear that they're fed up with Republican efforts to smear.  They no longer want to hear about the bailouts, or about Sach's.  They just want Republicans to sit down, shut up, and pay their damn taxes.

(WASHINGTON, DC) In a stunning announcement made this morning to the White House Press corps, Bank of America will begin processing a foreclosure on the White House on Monday morning, with a 90-day payment notice issued Friday afternoon to White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley.  Should the Obama administration and/ or White House staff not pay the massive debt, said to be valued at approximately $224 million, within the allotted 90-day period, Bank of America will begin eviction proceedings and place the White House on the open market.

"This is quite possibly the greatest travesty in the history of Washington DC," said a teary-eyed Neil W. Horstman, President of The White House Historical Association.  "Not since the British burned down the White House in 1814 has this historic structure been under such an imminent and dangerous threat.  President Obama mustn't allow this foreclosure to follow through!"

The sub-prime mortgage was issued by Bank of America to then-President George W. Bush in 2005, with a total value of $90 million offered in the loan.  Through interest escalation and President Bush's lackluster routine of paying bills, the value of the debt has now risen to a staggering $224,387,994.26, which the Obama administration inherited in 2008 when they moved into the national landmark. 

The Obama administration immediately put into motion efforts to pay down the debt, but progress was slow.  Republicans insisted the debts not be paid, with John Boehner apparently throwing a "temper tantrum" when the President called on House and Senate Republicans to work with Democrats to solve the problem.

"I don't see why we even need a White House," said Boehner during a press conference moments after this morning's announcement.  "I mean, wouldn't it be better if the free markets sorted this out?  The White House can be auctioned by Bank of America, and a large pharmaceutical corporation could then purchase it and turn it into a high-scale office complex.  I mean, they practically already own the joint, am I right?  The President can buy his own house.  It seems pretty socialist that the President of the United States is living in a palace paid for by the people.  Only President Obama would come up with something that blatantly communist in nature, and egotistical, and dare I say it... hypocritical!"

Some pundits are furious with President Obama for other reasons.  "This guy took out a mortgage?  And then he blames it on Bush?  Typical," offered Conservative radio show host Bill Rushbeck, apparently unaware of the fact that President Bush did, in fact, take out the mortgage.  "You might say its racist, and I'm sure those loser-lefties will cry about my saying this, but come on, white guys don't take out sub-prime mortgages.  Obama did this!  I mean, he had to!  It was Sharia law!  That's what I'm talking about here, folks.  America is best left in the hands of rich, powerful white males.  You give a woman or a minority a nibble, and look what happens.  That's not racist!  Don't shoot the messenger, people.  I'd much prefer you gave him prescription pain-killers! Recession!  Muslims!  Buy gold!"

Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a few others are said to be considering purchasing the White House if and when it becomes available on the open market.  Many believe Michele Bachmann is the front-runner in the purchasing effort, with analysts claiming it might be the only way in hell she'll ever get to call the White House home.

(WASHINGTON, DC)  Constitutional scholars announced this morning that, due to their recent discovery of additional text from the Founding Fathers on the back pages of the Constitution, former President George W. Bush must, by law, be reinstated as our President on inauguration day in 2013, ending months of speculation and estimations regarding the 2012 elections.

The block of text in question, titled "What to do if a [black person] becomes President," stipulates that President Obama is to be given only one term, to be followed immediately by "the reinstatement of the last white man to hold the office," who will hold that office for one full term.  Another caveat of the newly-discovered Constitutional laws stipulates that any and all women seeking the office of President, including Michele Bachmann, Hillary Clinton, and possibly Sarah Palin, must, by law, "stop screwing about and return to the kitchen."

"We don't think these laws make our Founding Fathers look like a bunch of ignorant, racist, chauvinist [expletive]-bags," explained a Constitutional lawyer, whose name we can't legally spell, but rhymes with Mick Fed.  "They lived in a different time is all.  I mean, most of the Founding Fathers were slave owners, and it was still more than a century before the suffrage movement.  People will whine about it, but hey, laws are laws, you know?"

George W. Bush seemed excited by the discovery.  "Everyone kept saying I was bad at this and terrible at that.  This gives me another four years to record the straight... I mean, set the record straight, heh-heh-heh, and kill me some more terrorists.  We'll solve our current problems the good ole' Texas way.  [Pauses to choke on a peanut] Phew, that was another close one, hot diggity dog!  Laura!  Did you see it that time?  No?  Aww hell, better luck tomorrow, go fetch me a non-alcoholic beer little lady.  Anyway, yeah, we'll fight 'em over here so we don't have to fight 'em over there!  Now watch this drive, heh-heh-heh."

Jubilation from Republicans and Tea Partiers was brought to an abrupt standstill however, when scholars indicated that some of the new laws contradicted various Conservative philosophies.  Said laws state that the size of the Federal government must reasonably grow with the size of the population, that taxes must be raised whenever the nation goes into debt, that executive compensation is to be capped, and that all Presidential candidates must be fully capable of passing a third-grade United States history test.

"Conservatives have been telling everyone these past few years how much they love the Constitution, and how badly they wish to return to the original document penned by our Founding Fathers," explained the Constitutional lawyer with the funny name.  "They can't suddenly change their minds about it as soon as something defies their ideologies.  They demanded we restore the original Constitution.  Well, here it is.  And on that note, some of them were saying they missed Bush.  Yeah.  Let's see about that."

The following schedule has been copied off a notepad by highly trained Pansies from the desk of Michele Bachmann.

~~~~~~~~~~~

6:30 AM: Wake Up, thank god for glorious new day.

6:31: Blame Obama for bad weather.

7:30: Feed Kids, finish preparing for day.

9 AM: Write speech for Virginia appearance, title: "The three hoaxes of America, Obama, global warming, and the minimum wage"

11:30: Pray

11:35: Computer crash. Blame Obama

11:40: Google following topics:

- Obama's economic policy

- Michele Obama Let's move

- Cute puppies

- Year America was founded

- How many states are in America?

- Are Chinese people as good as Indian people?

- How contagious is homosexuality?

12:10 PM: Begin speech for New Hampshire appearance, title: "Allowing homosexuality will make our children gay and ungodly".

1 PM: Lunch

2PM: Figure out an excuse to avoid the latest debate challenge from a 12 year old

2:15: Blame Obama for upset stomach

2:20: New speech: "Liberals in America are the cause of serious illnesses"

3PM: Senate Republican meeting to figure out new attack on Obama

6PM: Home

6:02: Start dinner

6:05: Blame Obama on moldy cheese

6:20: Ask kids how day went

6:25: Blame Obama on too much homework, mean teacher

6:27: Ask god to smite Obama... probably won't happen

7PM: Pre-dinner prayer

7:20 PM: Dinner

8PM: Read Bible

9PM: Get ready for bed

9:30: Bed ;)

10PM: Sleep

(GOLDSHIRE, AZEROTH) President Barack Obama's World of Warcraft character, a level 85 night elf druid named "Blackninja_1600," was reportedly kicked out of his guild, Legislatin' Fools, on the Antonidas server late last evening, after he failed to offer adequate "heals" to fellow guild member and resident tank, Speaker John Boehner, whose screen name is "Hard_Boehner69," during a guild raid in the infamous "Blackwing Descent" dungeon.

"It was a crazy night, lots of guild drama," explained a shaken Nancy Pelosi, AKA the level 85 gnome rogue "Sanfran_blade0_treat," speaking about the incident this morning via Skype.  "We got to the first boss, and Boehner was like `dude, heal me!', but Obama was all like `Out of mana stfu!'  But then Boehner was like `Oh, check out OBAMACARE!  FAIL!'  and then we wiped.  It was terrible."

"Dude, Boehner was totally nerd-raging," explained majority leader Eric Cantor, whose wow character is the Draenei Paladin "Eric_thuntor."  "Yeah, we wiped, and I usually have Boehner's back.  And yeah, Obama was noobing out, there's no denying that.  But seriously, WTF?  He was all screaming and junk on Teamspeak.  His mom was in the background telling him to chill.  It was so embarrassing, but also hilarious."

However, the ROFLCOPTER came to an abrupt landing half-way through the raid dungeon, when Vice President Joe Biden's Dwarf Hunter character "Scranton_Jenkins_007" caused the group's second wipe.  Sources claim that shortly after the group "rezzed" (resurrected) and joined up inside the dungeon, Boehner was formulating a new plan to tackle the dungeon's next boss.  However, Biden reportedly turned his voice chat microphone on, and after screaming "JOOOOOOE BIIIIIIDENNNN!", he charged into the next room of Blackwing Descent, "pulling" all of the monsters in that room back to the unprepared group and causing them all to wipe a second time. 

Infuriated, Boehner angrily logged off, and when he came back online three minutes later, he demanded that the group try again.  But after following Boehner's instructions to the letter, the group failed to take down the boss a third time, and at that point, Speaker Boehner really lost control.

"He was like, yelling at everyone and blaming the President for everything," explained Sarah Palin, a human hunter named "Grizzly_hockymom" (not a typo).  "The next thing we knew, Boehner kicked Obama out of the guild!  I didn't mind though, because (Obama) pals around with Orcs.  They're The Horde, our mortal enemies, don't-cha-know."

Shortly after Boehner ejected President Obama from the guild, more than a dozen fellow members of Legislatin' Fools decided to quit the guild, claiming that Boehner was "out of control" and "a pretty crappy GM (Guild Master)."  It is unclear whether the guild will survive, disband, or join one of the other guilds on the server.

"All I know is that they're all crazy," claims Ron Paul, who plays a Worgen Priest named "Texaswolfgop."  "Boehner was being [expletive] nuts, but Obama is totally a noob healer.  I mean, he's got blue gear.  Blue gear!  I think he has a few greens, too!  He doesn't have a good enough gear score for raids!  I don't know though, I don't inspect his gear every chance I get.  Whatever though, last night was an epic fail.  I'm glad these stupid [expletive] noobs quit.  We'll just LFG and PUG it next time!"

(Hollywood, CA) Goodwill Ambassador, Academy Award winner, and Octomom look-a-like Angelina Jolie filed papers this morning in an attempt to adopt President Barack Obama, according to her family lawyer.  The White House confirmed the story an hour later, claiming that both First Lady Michelle Obama and White House Chief of Staff William Daley were "mulling it over," to determine whether the adoption would benefit or hinder the President's work and 2012 campaign efforts.

"Angelina has been considering this adoption for several months," explained her father, actor Jon Voight.  "She really appreciates the work the President has done, and wanted to do something special for him.  At the same time, like all liberals, there are things about the President she's unhappy with, so as Barack's adopted mother, Angelina is hoping she can deliver him a stern talking to about Darfur, Gitmo, rendition, the Patriot Act, and other hot-button issues."

After Newsvine's interview team gagged a little upon remembering that terrible scene from the film Deliverance, and then all took cold showers to rinse the pain away, we continued questioning the legendary actor.  "Don't worry, that happens all of the time," explained Voight, offering us a seat and a few wet wipes before finishing.  "So anyway, yeah, I think my daughter and [Brad Pitt] will be very capable and loving `First Parents,' and I'm looking forward to bouncing my newest grandson on my knee.  I'm a Republican, but that won't change how I feel about [Obama] joining the family."

"I reckon this is everything Angie's ever wanted," said Jolie's second husband and Pushing Tin co-star Billy Bob Thornton.  "I mean, [Obama] has everything she looks for in a kid, don't he?  He was born in Africa, and, uh..."  Thornton paused to slam down a bottle of Jack Daniels, while simultaneously popping the balloon of a child walking by, before ripping through a harmonica-powered pseudo-country version of Hail ot the Chief.  "Yee haw!  Where the [expletive] was I?  Oh right, Obama.  I voted for him, mainly because John McCain looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes.  I prefer french fried taters.  Why the [expletive] are you asking me about food?  Do I look like a [expletive] chef to you?"

Some political analysts believe that President Obama's 2012 campaign, which looks quite strong compared to the current GOP field, would benefit vastly from Jolie's foreign affairs experience, and while many joke about how many children she's adopted over the years, those analysts also believe that Jolie is "a great parent," and would "help the President personally, as well as politically."  However, some are opposed to the adoption idea.

"I'm not saying [Jolie] is a racist, but it seems like she only adopts foreign kids that aren't white, and to me, that makes her a racist," explained conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck.  "I mean, how many languages do they speak in Brangelina's house?  This is America!  Those kids should speak American!  And now she wants to become `Mombama?'  This is obviously the commie liberal socialist Islamic caliphate making Sharia anchor baby laws against hard-working pro-life real Americans!  This is Hollywood liberal elitism at its finest, folks.  Pure unfiltered hatred of our Constitution!  Did you ever read the Constitution, Brangelina?  It says you can't adopt the President of the United States!  Do I need to write that on a chalkboard for you?  Karl Marx!  9/11!  Hackers!"

In 2009, an unconfirmed story came out that claimed that Jolie had said President Obama was a "socialist," and that she and Brad Pitt had major arguments about his administration, though those stories came from an unidentified source and may have been fake news, which some analysts claim is the worst kind of news, because it isn't real.  Some also believe the adoption may involve her ambitions of playing the role of President Obama in a future film, which may win her a second Academy Award.  It still isn't clear whether or not the adoption procedure will go through, however, and legal teams from both California and Washington DC are currently investigating whether or not the 36-year old superstar can legally adopt a 49-year old man. 

SCRANTON: New reports by the Associated Press suggest that the reason for the sub-par performances by the GOP candidates is not a fault of the candidates themselves, but their lack of large balls.

President Obama certainly has a lot of balls to play with as he gears up for his Presidential run. Washington is an endless pit of balls, in fact, Obama himself made space for several balls in the back of the White House, where he plays with them frequently. Former candidates from both parties enjoyed playing with very large and colorful balls during their campaigns and stays in Washington, unlike the current field of candidates.

We all remember dear Bushie the second and his lack of balls and lack of skills with balls, unlike our current President. And the uncertainty of the number of big balls may be the reason Sarah Palin is staying off the ticket.

"Between Rep. Bachmann and me, you know, there just ain't enough of them big balls to go around this time!" she said. "Todd has some very large balls and I don't know if I'm willing to give those up for a Presidential run."

Another person kept off the ticket by the lack of balls? Donald Trump, who possesses multiple golden balls, one of them being over 6 inches in diameter. Being on the ballot would force him to become public about his golden balls.

Many of the men currently campaigning have reported frequent boredom due to the lack of big balls to play with. Newt Gingrich seems to be affected by the shortages the worst, because when his aides leave, often the balls go with them. The lack of balls does not seem to be affecting Mitt Romney, however, who is enjoying more success with fewer balls than in 2008. This may or may not be connected to his religious beliefs, because many Mormons forbid balls, calling them "evil" and "sinful".

So, do you think the lack of big balls is the reason affecting the GOP candidates? Or do they already have enough balls to play with?

Governor Rick Perry may have taken his biggest leap toward announcing a Presidential bid earlier today, when he spoke to a crowd in Austin, Texas. Many analysts believe that Governor Perry may be waiting for the herd of GOP Presidential hopefuls to thin out slightly before announcing his run, though today's biggest Rick Perry headline regards his single, cure-all plan to solve all of America's problems.

"America needs a leader of vision," explained Perry, 61, of Texas, while occasionally leaning away from his podium to spit tobacco into an adjacent spittoon.  "That thar Obama ain't never worn no boots no day in his gosh darn life, no sir no how!  If he ain't a hootin' an' uh hollerin' that thar socialism he's-uh tellin' us Texans how we need to dealin' with them thar Mexicans from Mexico!"  Perry paused while the raucous crowd cheered and fired their six-shooters into the sky for a few moments.  "Now looky here, America.  Y'all need a leader that can lead a horse to water an' make 'em drink, but that thar Obama, well, that dog don't hunt!  And now he wants a second of them thar `terms?'  Well I'll be uh dipped an' rolled in cracker crumbs!  We need to be changin' that thar Washington!  You vote fer me, an that thar Washington is gonna run so good you'll smack your mammal!"

Governor Perry's speech was plagued with technical difficulties.  At one point, he started to yell that "Obama is a ni-", but was then abruptly interupted by the noon church bells.  He tried to repeat himself when people in the crowd panicked and screamed "Obama is near!", but the next church bell also drown out whatever he was trying to say.

The most shocking element of Governor Perry's speech came as he was approaching the close of the makeshift rally.  "Now, I ain't no educated East Coast Hollywood liberal elite like that thar Obama, but I'll tell you what America, I got me the solution to all them thar problems everyone's been a hootin' an' a hollerin' about.  We'll solve all them thar problems the good ole' Texas way!  Secession!  That's right!  If-in America done gone and seceded from itself, all them thar debt roofs an' Mexicans from Mexico and [homosexuals] an' wrapping paper hippity-hop singers'll be left in the dust faster than a steer can eat a cabbage!  YEE HAW!"  After this, another excited outburst of cheers and gunfire filled the sky.  "An' we can send that thar Muslim Obama back to Kenya where he uh belongs!"

Vernacular analysts claim that Governor Perry was suggesting that the United States of America secede from itself, a plan he famously considered for Texas in April of 2009.  However, Newsvine's panel of Constitutional law scholars, historians, and international affairs researchers concluded that it is in fact impossible for a country to secede from itself.  They do state though that if anyone could manage to find a way for this to happen, Governor Rick Perry would be the best man for the job.

The speech in Texas left four people dead and thirty-nine others injured, mostly from erratic gunfire, saloon fights, and a massive ho-down accident, the fifth largest of its kind to happen in the state of Texas this year.

6:30 ET: It has been reported earlier today that Rep. Bachmann, a GOP presidential candidate heavily favored by the tea party, has kicked off her campaign by debating a cantaloupe and losing.

I wanted to challenge myself, and show these god-loving Americans that I am the right candidate by placing myself on the line when presented with an opportunity. I wanted an opponent that was like me. -Bachmann

The debate was held over a period of two and a half hours and featured topics such as abortion, health care, China, and jobs. For his (or her) part, the cantaloupe said nothing in response to any of the questions, choosing to stare at the audience for his/her 90 allotted seconds on each topic. The viewers, mostly independents, liked the candidate's style. One viewer provided the following response when we asked him about the Cantaloupe:

For once, a politician was not talking, not promising anything that he wouldn't keep, not switching his views on topics. It was extremely refreshing. -Anonymous

When it was Bachmann's turn to address the forum, the audience gave a varied reaction. For her views on China, Bachmann received scattered applause, though many speculate that she was in fact talking about Brazil and had her countries confused. During the health care debate, Bachmann made it very clear that she supported a repeal of ObamaCare, though the rest of her response was either so astounding that it left the audience speechless or was so confusing that no one could think of an intelligent response. The Cantaloupe also stayed silent.

On China:

You know, we need to look to China as a future and continuing partner in South America. I promise to vastly expand our exports to China and I also promise to bring god and his vision to China within a year. I also support China's bid to host the Olympics in 2016 and call on that country to reform its crime policies.

On abortion:

I promise to ban abortion and propose and pass a constitutional amendment to rid America of the practice forever. We cannot keep depriving God of his Angels or he will punish America.

On Jobs:

I promise to bring jobs to America by getting rid of every policy that Obama has ever made because not only is he ineligible for the Presidency because he was born in Kenya, his laws are ungodly.

On Health Care:

<This comment was so confusing that the editors of Newsvine have requested its removal, saying that it will throw this site into a state of chaos and despair that will be beyond even their command and will lead to the shutdown of the entire site. If you really want to imagine the comment, insert 4 or more references to God, an attack on Obama, and a lengthy discussion on coked-up Penguins>

At the end of the debate, the viewers had a chance to score the candidates. The Cantaloupe walked away with the win and an average rating of 1.6 (out of a possible 5). Bachmann received a 0.4.

While some conservatives are excited about Mitt Romney's pending announcement of a Presidential run, some of his own brethren are taking to the streets in protest.  Mannequins across the nation, outraged by his refusal to take up the cause of their rights, are leaping out of department store showcases and picketing in the streets.

"He's one of us," said Woody H. Male, 42, of a JC Penney's store in Oklahoma.  "Us older models have the luxury of human-like features, and Romney is a top of the line model. He's abusing those features and refusing to accept his lineage."

"Romney forgot his roots," said Willow Female, 22, of a Macy's in New York City.  "I'm offended.  I'm really, really offended.  We have a fellow [mannequin] running for human public office, and he doesn't acknowledge his race.  It's sad."

Romney, 64, began his mannequin career in Detroit, Michigan in 1951, playing the role of "father" in a Sears Christmas display, showcasing that year's line of sweaters and slacks.  He left Sears in 1976, citing compensation disputes, and went on to work for Lands' End, then a sailing accessories company, for the duration of his modeling career.  Lands' End was so impressed by Romney's work that they decided to get into the clothing market, developing their entire line of men's wear based on him.  But in 2002, Sears bought out the Lands' End company, forcing Romney to retire from the modeling industry entirely.  That same year, he ran for public office in the State of Massachusetts, where he served as Governor until 2007.  Since then, he ran for President once in 2008, dropping out from the GOP primary.  He has occasionally done some modeling since 2009 for charity, but his aspirations seem to be set in the human world of politics.

"Mitt was perfect for Lands' End," said the late Gary Comer, the company's founder, in a 2003 interview.  "We never would have gotten into clothing if it weren't for his persistance and his hair style.  We fashioned our entire line of apparel on Romney, and I think it shows."

Only three mannequins have ever held the office of the Presidency, and if Romney wins, he'll be the first since Warren G. Harding, who advertised "Slacks for Grand Dad" in department stores near the turn of the twentieth century.  The other two mannequins to serve as President were Franklin Pierce and James K. Polk.  Other mannequins have vied for the title, though, including Gary Bauer in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004.  Dan Quayle remains the only mannequin to ever serve as Vice President.

The Mannequin Rights movement began in 1987, when the film "Mannequin," starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Katrall, failed to adequately portray the hardships of mannequin living.  Mannequin rights groups fight for better compensation, union rights, store display disassembly after closing hours, more facial expressions, better build materials, and better anatomical endowment.  The advertising craze of faceless, or even headless, mannequins has stirred tremendous controversy as well in recent years, with mannequins trying to popularize a new rights campaign slogan, "Don't tread on my face!"  Mannequin rights activists lambaste Mitt Romney for not publicly discussing their cause, and for not honoring his heritage.

"Mitt Romney doesn't care about wooden people," said mannequin rights leader Carver L. Male, 39, formerly of an Old Navy store Portland, Oregon.  "I don't think he wants anyone to know where he comes from, but everyone knows he's a mannequin, even humans.  It's bad enough that we aren't allowed to vote, but to have one of our own run for President and not champion our causes... it's despicable."

Romney is heavily favored to win the GOP primary, but political analysts are skeptical of his chances against President Obama.  Mannequins are planning rallies along Romney's campaign trail, writing letters to his campaign offices, and movement leaders are scheduling public speaking engagements and interviews all across the country, all in an effort to force Romney to address key mannequin causes and to admit publicly to his being a mannequin as well.  Mannequins are urging their owners to set up anti-Romney window displays and to set up mannequins at Romney's public engagements, though whether those owners will carry out these requests remains uncertain. 

It's an undeniable fact that President Obama refuses to comment on:  He has broken wind at least once in the oval office since becoming President!  He owes America an apology for this vile, despicable act.  Does he not realize that not only is he desecrating a historic national landmark, but that he's farting on the legacy of all those Presidents who've sat at the Resolute desk in the past?  And did he crack a window for Democracy?  Probably not!  Socialists don't crack windows!  They demand that everyone else do it for them!

Is this the America our children, and their children, and their children need to live in?  An America where the leader of the free world refuses to take accountability for their actions?  What if you were the Secret Service agent or the White House staffer who was unlucky enough to catch a nasal glimpse of the taco supreme he had for lunch?  A lunch that tax payer dollars paid for?  For claiming to support public sector employees the way they do, Liberals sure are quick to ignore it when one of their own is blasting abuse, aren't they?

We don't know the details of this vile, anus crime.  Did the President uncouthly lean to his side (obviously to his LEFT) to relieve some spleen steam?  Did he childishly instruct someone to tug on his finger?  Did he blame it on Bo (the family's dog), or worse... some foreign dignitary who doesn't speak a word of English?  I don't know that Blobama is that clever.  He probably just looked around anxiously to see who was watching and let her rip.  And being a smoker, he has no reason to have not lit a match!

The person I really feel bad for is Michelle.  It's a well-established scientific statistical fact that 90% of modern couples under the age of 50 have, at some point in their relationships, performed a Dutch oven maneuver, where wind is broken only after the person's significant other is trapped under the blankets.  Michelle Obama is the victim of spousal abuse, getting her special delivery via overnight air mail from a man clearly too immature to be the leader of the free world! 

Can I prove that he's done any of this?  No, I can't.  But come on, seriously, I defy you to name a single room in your home where you haven't cut the cheese.  And we both know you've done it in your office, too!  But like hot air, the President is expected to rise above that sort of behavior.  He's supposed to set an example... not toot his own horn.  It's impossible for the President to have occupied that office for two and a half years and not have left behind an after dinner mint... that would defy all logic and the laws of basic human physiology! 

The only thing left to work out, at this point, is whether or not these burps that went astray are impeachable offenses.  Only time will tell if the President's lactose intolerance might prove to be his downfall, but I strongly urge Conservatives everywhere to take up this cause! You folks have been critical about so many non-issues the rest of us can't keep track of them all.  But the President whips up some tail-end turbulence, and you're all quiet?  Let me tell you something folks, you might not think of this as a big deal, but it is!  If one of his outbursts are silent but deadly, they could quickly escalate a diplomatic emergency, or cause panic and chaos in the situation room during times of great strife.  The President's farts might just lead to THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.  We need to act before it's too late!

Bill Maher tells it like he sees it.

The Berlin-based, left-leaning Tageszeitung (TAZ) rated the killing as "a bit too 'wild West.'" At the time of his death, the TAZ said, bin Laden had greater significance as "an odd pop icon, a product of our projections" than as a threat to international security.

Here we go! (note: remember this is satire people!)

~~~

10. A black man certainly cannot be POTUS

9. He is a Christian that somehow makes him a muslim

8. He's making his way into our homes. At least the Republicans stop when they hit inside your body.

7. He has a terrible golf swing

6. Presidents should have classical music on their ipods, not rap

5. Donald Trump has a better hairdo

4. He spends time with his family, which could be time used for being President

3. If he gets elected, the world will end

2. Because Sarah Palin said so

~~~

1. He isn't a US citizen.... his college transcripts somehow prove it....

~~~~~~~~

Again, if anyone would like to start doing these along Matt Rock and I, please feel free!

From Obama and Seth Meyer’s slams of Donald Trump to the president’s official birth video and teleprompter trailer, watch the funniest moments of Beltway’s prom night.

Seth Meyers devoted a large portion of his White House Correspondents’ dinner routine to making fun of Donald Trump. (Trump, sitting at the Washington Post table with a perpetually stern look on his face, did not appear to be amused.)

DAY 2 OF OBAMA'S CITIZENSHIP:

Signaling that he was not ready to move on from the birther nonsense, Obama has finally retaliated to the political mess created by political wingnut Donald Trump. Earlier this afternoon Obama proposed a bill that would serve as a reminder to The Donald that he lost his first and farthest reaching battleground with the United States government. The bill proposes the renaming of the President's personal aircraft, "Air Force One", to "Hair Force One", reminding The Donald that a) he will never become POTUS, and b) the only thing that he can never ride is himself...

"I believe that by renaming the most widely-recognized airplane in modern history "Hair Force One", we can send a message to future voters the real reason why they should never elect idiots to political office." ~Barack Obama, 4/29/11

Trump, for his part, retaliated after a break in the taping of the season finale of his show, "People I will never ever hire", by saying:

Obama's birth certificate is real, but he still isn't constitutionally legal to be POTUS, because, cand correct me if I'm wrong, anyone that doesn't have awesome hair cannot possibly even be human." ~Donald Duck Trump, 4/29/11

Essentially, according to The Donald, anyone who doesn't have a naturally grown, artificially colored penguin hat on his head cannot be POTUS.

The bill is widely expected to pass in the senate but may face an uphill battle in the house.

Some notable thoughts on the bill:

Trump is a big media f*cker. I mean, really, is he still playing the same old f*cking cards? Get f*cking real Donald!" ~Joe Biden, 4/29/11

 

"What guns are mounted to it? Can I shoot some moose from it when I run for President again?" ~Sarah Palin, 4/29/11

 

"It's a fag-enabler name, named after a fag-enabler, in a government run by a fag-enabler and all of the citizens except those chosen non-fag enabling few by god will burn in fag hell." ~Shirley Phelps-Roper

 

"That plane is winning. It has zebra testicles!" ~Charlie Sheen + Crackpipe

He's more intelligent than the rest of them put together and has some good policies. The GOP has finally found their candidate to run against Obama.

See his latest speech here.

(sorry I can't write more, gotta run!)

Here we go!

10. Sarah Palin: Just because we've gotten used to inserting her name into everything.

9. Jesus: According to all the bible-thumpers, Jesus is responsible for everything, and therefore he's responsible for a government shutdown.

8. Elmo: He's red and wastes his time reciting the ABC's. Remind you of a certain group of people?

7. Japan: For dumping their problems into our economy.

6. The Tea Party: As most of the other senators were bickering over the budget, the few TP-backed senators were bickering over birth certificates.

5. Obama: Too busy with his other Presidential duties to hold the senate's hands through the process of debating like adults.

4. The Water Fountain: He knows all of the senators well and uses "gifts" to bribe them.

3. Kim Kardashian: I don't blame her, only certain parts of her for distracting our senators.

2. Rebecca Black: Studies have shown that immediately following the release of her (terrible) song "Friday", the Dow dropped 1,000 points and Washington accomplished less than nothing.

~~~

1. Boston Red Sox: As a Bostonian, I blame them for everything right now. *Cough*1-7 World Series-bound team*cough*

The latest news from the leader of the cheese can never be a positive thing. And the pattern has only continued. Gov. Walker threw out one of the worst insults that I have ever seen at Obama early this morning.

I mean, really, when is enough ENOUGH? These insults merely get worse and worse. We only trashed Bush AFTER he proved to be crap. Obama is still trying. The economy is getting better by the day. Iraq is history. Things are looking bright for Libya. Congress is still fighting over the budget, but hey, at least they are addressing the issue.

This particular insult, however, was far worse than any racist thing that someone may have said in the past. We never, NEVER used this one against Bush. And I believe that Obama is far better than him. Heck, Snookie would make a better President than Bush... ok, maybe I've gone too far.

Anyway, insult time. I hope that none of you takes offense to me posting this. I hope nobody takes this personally, either. It's my job to report this and give my opinion (this is an opinion article, after all).

Governor Walker called Obama a stupidhead.

I'm not saying that word again. Ever. Unless I have to. I've never called anyone that. Nobody has ever called me that. But Walker had to shoot his damn mouth off and call the President of the United States a big, lousy s--------. I mean, Obama is half way through his first term and the insults are as bad as I've ever heard them in my lifetime. What are they going to say after he gets re-elected? A p--pyhead? I can't even say that one, I'm too morally upstanding to do it.

Our politicians must be more respectful to one another. I can't imagine how Obama is dealing with this right now. I would lock myself in my room and cry for hours if I ever was called something near that.Walker should be executed.

When will this insanity end?

Finally!!! A President who is making changes I can believe in!!! He definitely has the right idea with this Mandatory Abortion Bill. I mean this is all so amazingly simple. We have a few too many folks in this country, and if there were just a few less of us that would solve so many problems. There are lots of things we can do to "thin things out"... so to speak... and most of them offer us huge cost savings to boot. Personally, I think Obama should look at mandatory sterilization... but I'm not going there right now...

Since the 2008 Presidential election, a team of Newsvine columnists have been feverishly working together in an effort to prove, once and for all, that President Obama was born in Hawaii. Our journey has taken us to eighteen States, nine countries, and has involved interviews with more than seventy individuals, including lawyers, judges, doctors, government officials and diplomats from three different nations, conspiracy theorists, and fellow journalists. After this tremendous amount of tedious, expensive research, the results of our journey have left all of us here at Newsvine baffled... but the video evidence speaks for itself.

Our research led us to the small town of Mwingi, Kenya, where a local man claimed to have evidence, on film, of President Obama's birth in the man's tiny home. The man, who wishes to not be identified, presented the film via projector to our team when we visited him, and since then, we've converted the eight millimeter film to video, and will present a link to this video shortly. The video clearly depicts Barack Obama Senior coaching Ann Obama (Ann Dunham) through a very challenging birth. Adding fuel to the fire, the President's father proclaims, directly into the camera no less, that "[Ann] must succeed in birthing this child so that we can return to America as quickly as we can. This child may one day be [President of the United States]." At the six-minute mark, you can hear him confess that President Obama will be "a child of Muslim birth," and that "[his birth] is all a part of `the master plan.'" As of yet, we have no confirmation as to what this "plan" is, and upon returning to the United States, White House officials have contacted us ordering to cease and desist from pursuing additional information. The plot, as they say, has thickened.

As promised, here is the world exclusive video evidence of President Barack Obama's Kenyan birth. Warning! This video depicts graphic imagery of child birth, the reciting of Sharia law, and graphic violence against an animal at the 9:31 mark, when Barack Obama Senior murders a live turkey on camera in preparation of a "birth feast." Viewer discretion is advised. Be sure that your audio is turned on, as the most compelling evidence comes in the form of spoken word. Now, without further adieu, we present to you our video link. Special thanks to Newsvine columnist Free Rino for his exceptional contribution to our team!