THE PROOF THAT BIRDS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:

It is hard to argue that dogs, at least by first impressions, are better pets than birds.  Until recently, I believed that was the case… with cats being a close second for their pest control and purring attributes.  About one month ago I adopted a 30-year old White-Fronted Amazon Parakeet named Captain Cracky and everything changed.  Cracky has shown me in a very short time what it means to be the best pet in the world… even better than dogs!

I had no idea a bird such as Captain Cracky could have celebrity status, but he does and it's totally awesome.  Image#1 is of Billy Crystal co-hosting the Oscars with the Captain.  Wow, that is so cool!  I wonder… can a dog even talk, much less host a major television event?

Image#2 is Cracky on the last season of Big Brother.  He made it to the last 3, but got back-stabbed by some sorority chick.  Sheeeesh!  Hmmmm, how many dogs have made to the final 3 on Big Brother?  I believe zero!!! :)

When it comes down to the nitty-gritty of doing something really nice everyone is always going on and on about helping the old lady across the street.  A dog can do this and as seen in Image#3, Cracky can do it too… big deal!

What a dog can't do is help an old lady stretch her shorts until she rips her depends underpants.  In Image#4, the Captain is getting this nice old lady limber and ready to not only cross streets, but climb mountains!  Way to go Captain Cracky!

Ahhhh, isn't Image#5 really special… look at Cracky helping out in a soup kitchen.  The Captain is right there in the middle of it, helping some very hungry folks get some nice, warm food.  I'd like to see a dog do that… maybe when hell freezes over! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Holy cow, can this really be happening… a bird testifying before congress?!?!  As you can see in Image#6, Cracky is reaching for the microphone to provide some very important information that confirms that most politicians are complete and utter money-grubbing, agenda seeking idiots.  Way to go Captain Cracky!!!   There might be a dog somewhere near this meeting, but he's likely outside taking a dump in public… Ha! Ha! Ha! :)

Anyone ever notice how President Obama is one of the most eloquent speakers in the White House we have ever heard?  Do you know why?  I do.  In Image#7, the Captain is whispering in Obama's ear sweet words of wisdom for the ages.  Dog's just look plain stupid at this point.  If a dog was helping out here, the President would just be barking and farting!

More recently, Cracky has been trying his hand, errr… I mean claw again at reality television.  Here he is in Image#8 as part of the cast on Survivor.  I would seriously love to see a dog on survivor.  He'd get voted off for 1) eating all the food, 2) farting in the shelters, 3) humping someone's leg, 4) chasing squirrels during a competition, and 5) just being plain stupid!!!

And finally the last piece of evidence that birds are better than dogs… Image#9.  Hmmm, is that Captain Cracky doing a "boob dance" on Snookeys left breast!  Hell yes!!!  Cracky is a wild man!!!  I'm not crazy about Jersey Shore and you have to wonder how many "places" that breast has been, but still, hats off to the boob dancing parakeet!

In conclusion, I challenge the readers of this article to provide me with any substantial evidence that disproves my belief that birds are better than dogs.  This is Newsvine, so I am assuming someone will try.  Thanks for reading and get yourself a bird!!! LOL!!! :)

I have had a fish tank for almost 6 years.  I originally bought it and set it up for our kids, but recently I have become interested in, errrr… well fish reproduction.  The population has remained the same in our little tank... a few deaths here and there, but always replaced the next day with some new recruits.

I figured I woudn't have to "adopt" any new fish if the ones already there would just... you know, get it on!  Now, I have no idea how to identify the sex of our fish... I don't even know what kind of fish they are.  All I know is I went to Wal-Mart at 3 in the morning and found the nastiest, dirtiest fish tank in the store and bought all the fish in it that had survived such toxic filth.

So I got on the internet and did some reading, but I was soon distracted by "mood" lights for fish.  Yes, I said "mood" lights for fish.  They come in various colors and since blue is my favorite, that is what I went with.  I was surprised to not see red as a choice.  Hmmmm... I wonder why?

Well anyway, I spent the afternoon getting the neon blue mood lights hooked up in anticipation of some over-night action!  I turned off the room lights, the original fish tank light and then turned on the mood lights... ohhhhh, soooo coool!!! 

I left the lights on and went to bed.  I felt like a kid the night before Christmas, you know... couldn't sleep because of feeling excited about the next day.  Anyway, as soon as I got up the next morning I ran to the kids playroom, turned on the main tank light and looked for any signs of, errr... loving!  I thought one them looked a little horny.  He/she was swimming around really close to other fish in some sexy little circles. 

The other fish weren't doing crap, except the same old stuff they always do which is swim, eat,  and poop... ugh!!!  I was thinking "do something you sorry little bastards!!!"  My wife was watching me and said I was stupid.  What does she know about fish sex and fish mood lights?!  Sheeeeesh!

One morning about one month later I was walking around the house drinking coffee and picking my kids, dogs and birds toys and I noticed something really awesome in the fish tank.  It was an itty bitty little fishy!!!  Hoooray!!!  It worked, my idea, my plan... my mood lights were a huge success!!!  Then my wife walked in the room giggling... with her hand over her mouth.  She and the kids had gone to PetCo the day before and bought the smallest, freshwater fish in the store.  My wife waited until I fell asleep and she poured the little guy out of his baggie into the tank.  WTF!!!  I give up!!! :/

I'm weird when it comes to "googling" stuff... maybe obsessed is a better choice of words than weird.  Anyway, a few weeks ago I started googling images of the "world's largest (or biggest or longest)" this or that, just fill in the blank and I did an image search on it.  The images provided here were ones that came up on the first page of each search.  Have fun!!! :)

♦ IMAGE#1 was a google image search for "World's Largest Eyes."  I found some great images, but this one"popped out" at me! :)

♦ IMAGE#2 was a google image search for "World's Largest RV."  This one looks more like a semi-truck with a really cool trailer.  This has to be the ultimate "Mobile ManCave" in my opinion!

♦ IMAGE#3 was a google image search for "World's Biggest Dog."  I'm not sure if it's the angle of the camera, but the dog's head looks bigger than the horses head... that's one fat head!

♦ IMAGE#4 was a google image search for "World's Biggest Idiot"... no kidding, I'm serious!  Who would have guessed George W. Bush's image would have been found on the first page of the search... I wonder why, hmmmm?  :)

♦ IMAGE#5 was a google image search for "World's Biggest Breasts."   Ummmm, errrr... I'll just say some guys are breast men and some are ass men, well I am an ass man for sure!  (see IMAGE#8)

♦ IMAGE#6 was a google image search for the "World's Largest Cat."  I like cats, they're okay... but this cat is freaking awesome!  I could use him as a pillow, or a towel, or a bean bag... what a great cat!  :)

♦ IMAGE#7 was a google image search for the "World's Longest Tongue."  What, no Gene Simmons?  If this image is real, then this guy has Gene Simmons by at least 4 or 5 inches!  The guy pulling on the tongue looks really happy... I wonder why?

♦ IMAGE#8 was a google image search for the "World's Largest Butt."  Like I said before, I'm an ass man... but I am sure I am not "man" enough for this kind of action.   I would need a step ladder and a really long... errrr, you know (smirk), to "satisfy" this young lady!  ♥XxOx♥oOXx♥!!!

♦ IMAGE#9 was a google image search for the "World's Biggest Bug."  Hmmmm… here kitty, kitty, kitty!  Wait a minute, that's not a little kitten… it's a freaking huge grasshopper on steroids!!!

♦ IMAGE#10 was a google image search for the "World's Biggest Mouth."  Weird, I'm surprised it wasn't Nancy Grace or one of the Kardashians.  I bet dentists love this guy!

I hope you folks enjoyed these images as much as I did looking for them!  Have a great day! :)

During my second or third week of in-patient treatment for drug addiction and alcoholism, one of the doctors told me I was insane… I was suffering from insanity.  My time there had really sucked up until that point… I couldn't sleep, I was constantly pissed off, I had been in at least 2 fights… and now someone in a position of authority was telling me I was insane. 

For some, the diagnosis of being insane would come as a major downer, a real blow to the ego and so on… but not me.  After my "new diagnosis" I slept like a baby, I was no longer angry and I played nice with others.  I liked being called insane, I embraced it like a new-found love.  Do you know why?  Because it made sense.

My understanding of insanity is that those who are insane attempt to do the same thing, the same act or behavior, over and over again and in doing so, they expect a different result… a better result.  And although the "better" result, the "anticipated" result never happens, the insane person doesn't care… they keep on performing that same behavior.

I wonder if any of you out there believe you are insane?  I've seen a few folks here and there who I believed may qualify for the diagnosis.  Below is my "list of 8 behaviors" I have been told were insane.   I hope you enjoy it and if you wish to add a few, then be my guest!  :)

1)  I incessantly talk to my pets, my bird included, believing they really understand my words… and I really believe they will actually talk back to me someday with an intelligent and appropriate response.

2)  FOX NEWS was my only news source for a 2-year period (I know, I know…) and although I watched it morning, day and night I was still waiting to hear or see a story that was reliable and news worthy.

3)  I keep voting for politicians (Democrat & Republican) who promise they are going to end the big tax breaks on the wealthy, but it never happens and I still vote for the SOB's anyway!!!  :/

4)  I do not exercise and probably never will, but I keep expecting to lose weight and to have abs of steel and I am constantly discouraged when my weight does not change and my abs are still soft… weird, why has nothing changed?

5)  I continue to explain to the parents of children I see in the emergency department who have a self-limited, viral illness the pathophysiology of a simple, viral infection and how they DO NOT need an antibiotic… expecting them to somehow UNDERSTAND!!! 

6)  Peeing in the yard (at night) is something I've always done.  It brings me joy… and relief!  I'm still waiting for my wife to understand and not get pissed off.  

7)  I have a superpower, but no one is aware of this truth.  My superpower is I can guess what people (and animals) are thinking.  And although to date I have had very poor results with this superpower, I continue to try it out… believing someday I will master it!!!

8)  My farts smell good, but no one else agrees... they think they stink.  I still fart at work, expecting my co-workers to enjoy the odor, but I'm still getting the same response from them... "YUCK, you're sick!!!

I'm not sick... I am insane!!! ;-)

A grainy video of a woman sobbing as a TSA agent administered a patdown is getting media attention, thanks to a fellow passenger's blog post about the incident.

Jim Hoft, who runs the blog Gateway Pundit, took a video of the woman getting patted down at the airport in Madison, Wisconsin on Sunday and posted a scathing account of the incident.

 

Ken Christiansen is a strong suspect in the only unsolved skyjacking in U.S. history: the D. B. Cooper case. Could a former Army paratrooper and an employee of the hijacked airline (Northwest Airlines) actually pull it off and escape discovery? Maybe. There's a fair amount of evidence and witness testimony that he may have done just that, with the help of his lifelong friend Bernie Geestman.

On the other hand, a bit of humor helps keep things in perspective:

The Ballad of K.P. Christiansen

Let me tell ya all a story ‘bout a man named Ken
Slavin' on a airline, hardly makin’ any bread
Then one day he was not around the crew
And into his mind popped a little thought or two…

Dollar bills…lots of them…no movie stars

Well the first thing you know Ken’s puttin’ up a dare
He’s tellin’ buddy Bernie ‘We can pull it off I SWEAR!
Just drop me off in Portland and I will say goodbye,
And I won’t come back to see ya ‘till I’ve fooled the F.B.I!’

Northwest Airlines…pretty stews…bourbon and smokes

It wasn’t very long ‘till Ken got all the cash,
A bunch of parachutes and now it’s time to dash
Then somewhere he finally took his cue,
Went jumpin' out the back and takin’ what was due…

Twenties, that is...lots of cash…no movie stars

(Faster)

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Ken and all his kin
And they would like to thank Northwest for kindly givin’ in
You’re all invited to the Bon-ney Lake lo-cal-i-ty,
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hos-pi-tal-i-ty…

Bonney Lake, that is…sit a spell…take yer shoes off.

Ya’ll come back now…hear?

______________________

I am in the checkout line… the "express" one for 20 items or less, with my 5-year old daughter at Wal-Mart and she keeps bugging me with questions.  "Daddy, what is that?" she asks pointing to the lady further down the very long line.  I respond, "dear, what are you talking about?"  She comes back with, "that lady."  I say, "Oh, she's just another customer waiting to check out."  My daughter persists, "No daddy, what's THAT?"  So I look again and the image echoes in my mind (I'm still trying to erase it) over and over again.  My daughter is referring to the lady's… errrr, "camel toes!"

So, I'm like… WTF do I say to her?!  Are you fu&%ing kidding me?!  And again (for effect), I'm like holy $hit… I'm speechless (which is rare)!  Before I have time to come up with some educated, empathetic, politically correct explanation she starts squirming and whispers in my ear, "when I grow up will I have those too?"  I'm thinking… "NOOOOOO!!!  You will not be morbidly obese, you will not wear super tight stretchy pants in public, you will not… ugh, what's a father to do?!?!

Folks everywhere, I promise to never ever wear garments so tight in Wal-Mart that you can take my pulse from 5 isles over and you can see the anatomy of my junk from electronics!  Sheeesh!!!  Don't get me wrong… there are some very nice, and I mean VERY NICE camel toes out there, but seriously… keep that stuff under "amour" in public… pleeeease!  

The issue has been recently transferred to the extremely wise council of my very understanding and knowledgable wife.  My daughter is now in good hands and I am hiding like a coward in the garage doing "mancave" stuff!"  Whew!!! :)

As far as I'm concerned

If you are new to my work, the most bizarre information you will find on this site is that concerning the reptilian connection.

I understand that. It is quite something to absorb from our conditioned version of reality. But, then, that is the very point. If you want to keep something from the people, give them a version of reality and possibility that is so far from what is really going on that even if the truth comes to light it will seem far too ludicrous and extreme for most people to believe it.

Indeed, if you do your job well enough, the people will laugh at the truth, call it insane, and ridicule anyone who promotes it. To truly understand how all the information on this site fits together into one coherent whole (which it does),  read my book, The Biggest Secret. But for those who have not yet done so, here is some basic background.

When I reached the point some years ago where I had put together the structure through which a few people control the direction of the world (see And The Truth Shall Set You Free), it was clear that this network of secret societies and covert groups manipulating global politics, business, banking, military, media, and so on, could not have been put together in a few years or decades. It had to go back a very long time.

So I began to trace it back into what we call history. I did this in the knowledge that, for some reason, bloodline and genetics were vitally important to these manipulators, the Illuminati or Illuminated ones - illuminated into knowledge that the public never see.

I followed the trail back comfortably to the time of the Crusades in the Middle East, the 12^th and 13^th centuries, that kind of period, and on it went far back into the ancient world and pre-history.

There, all over the planet, you find the ancient legends and accounts of "gods" from another world who interbred with humanity to create a hybrid network of bloodlines.

The Old Testament, for example, talks about the "Sons of God" who interbred with the daughters of men to create the hybrid race, the Nefilim.

Before it was translated into English, that passage read "the sons of the gods", plural. But the Bible accounts are only one of so many that describe the same theme.

The Sumerian clay tablets, found in what we now call Iraq in the middle of the 19^th century, tell a similar story. It is estimated they were buried around 2,000 BC, but the stories they tell go back long before that. The tablets talk of a race of "gods" from another world who brought advanced knowledge to the planet and interbred with humans to create hybrid bloodlines.

These "gods" are called in the tablets, the "Anunnaki", which apparently translates as "those who from heaven to earth came."

The ancient accounts tell us that these hybrid bloodlines, the fusion of the genes of selected humans with those of the "gods", were put into the positions of ruling royal power, especially in the ancient Near and Middle East, in advanced cultures like Sumer, Babylon, and Egypt.

But it happened elsewhere, also, as you will find, for example, in the amazing information provided on this site by the African Zulu shaman, Credo Mutwa, and in the incredible Credo videos, Reptilian Agenda, parts one and two.

He tells the same story from the black African tradition that I have uncovered elsewhere in the world.

The accounts of the "serpent race" in ancient cultures are simply endless wherever you look and the serpent, reptilian, symbolism in relation to the Anunnaki and other versions of these "gods" is equally widespread. We see this in the Bible, for instance, with the serpent in the "Garden of Eden"- a story which clearly comes from the Sumerian accounts, as does the story of Moses in the bulrushes, a story told about a Sumerian king long before the Bible.

This is why I found it so astounding when I was told by Zecharia Sitchin, the best-known translator of the Sumerian tablets, that there was no evidence of a serpent race in the ancient world. Of course there is.

He also strongly advised me in relation to the serpent race…

"Don't go there".

Why, when the evidence, ancient and modern, is so enormous?

From these bloodlines has come the origin of the "divine right of kings", the belief that only certain bloodlines have the god-given right to rule. In truth this is not the "divine" or "God" at all. It is the right to rule from the reptilian "gods" by way of your hybrid genetics.

These bloodlines later became the royal and aristocratic families of Europe and, thanks to the "Great" British Empire and the other European empires, they were exported to the Americas, Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and right across into the Far East, where they connected with other reptilian hybrid bloodlines, like those, most obviously, in China, where the symbolism of the dragon is the very basis of their culture.

MORE

Hat tip: Little Green Footballs

(Text link to video)

Every now and then I run in to some really weird and interesting things on the internet and have saved some seriously messed up images over the past several years.  This morning I decided to start sharing those images on Newsvine... with comments and first impressions included. 

I hope you guys enjoy them as much as I have. :)

IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by "the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind" in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own intergalactic forces from 3 million light years away to end the senseless bloodshed.

From his floating palace within his gaseous planet's swirling clouds of blue-green ammonia, Supreme Emperor and Dynastic Overlord Thuu'l told reporters that while the human race appeared willing to sit idly by, the planet of Zarklom 12 could no longer turn a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the yearlong uprising against President Bashar al-Assad.

"We have monitored the ongoing violence in the region of your world known as Syria, and we find ourselves as disgusted by your reluctance to stop it as we are horrified by the deaths themselves," said Thuu'l, an oily, amoeba-like creature who held in his pseudopod a U.N. report indicating al-Assad's forces have killed more than 7,500 civilians. "It's unbearable to watch even from the far end of the Triangulum Galaxy, and yet you who dwell upon the same planet continue to tolerate it. How is that possible?"

"We understand your species is primitive, but surely even your simplistic, half-formed consciences recognize that this cannot be allowed," Thuu'l continued. "Regardless, we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands. Our stellar armada is already on its way. Please do not distract our vessels with your air defenses."

I am a bit of both, but through the years, much more open about my convictions.  I really try to listen mostly, but if someone does or says something that is just wrong, I find I "go there" rather quickly.  You know what, I like that I can, never knew I could and cherish my freedom to understand, that standing up for what is right, is Okay!  How do you deal with difficult people, difficult situations, difficult feelings. 

I myself make this scene a couple times a week. Gotta spread myself around where the hot chicks are, am I right?

NORTH POLE: The Christmas celebrations around the world are infamous for getting a bit out of hand, but all were overshadowed by the after-party thrown in Santa's Workshop this year when one elf spiked the large vat of eggnog with peppermint rum.

The Christmas party thrown by the elves while Santa is away celebrates the end of a long and grueling work year and also serves to kick off the planning phase for another long and grueling work year. It's one of the few full days off in an Elf's life and is the largest party of the year. Elves dance, eat, eat some more, dance again, eat, and drink non-alcoholic eggnog (Santa forbids drinking due to the heavy work schedule), the main beverage of the typical elf. But the party went a bit afoul after one mischievous elf spiked the eggnog with 90% proof peppermint rum. The elves, who typically drink a lot of eggnog over the course of the day, were all either asleep or intoxicated when Santa made his grand returning entrance after his trip around the world.

It's day one and Christmas 2012 is already off-schedule - One sore-looking elf

This morning's elf meetings were all cancelled and work was called off completely for everyone to let the elves recover. Many were still asleep at noon but the ones unfortunate enough to wake up early had a lot to take in:

"The place is a mess, Santa's furious, every elf has a massive headache and nobody can remember what happened yesterday!" said a member of the cleanup crew.

The eggnog was tested and reported to be about 25% peppermint rum, which considering the size of the container is an impressive feat to have gotten away with. No elf saw the crime take place. The vat is about the size of a large house.

Work resumes tomorrow at the North Pole though and will continue on schedule until mid-March when the elves get a 2 month vacation. Santa has ordered a testing of all vats of eggnog before each party in the future to prevent another disaster. Mrs. Clause is busy rescheduling the entire North Pole and mixing up medicine for the elves to take when they wake up to lessen their hangover feelings. For now, everyone is waiting for the rest of the elves to rise from their slumbers.

Reporting from the North Pole, this is LeafyDebater from Newsvine.com

If you did not like this you certainly will not enjoy.....

Pander Weekly Volume 2 -- Commie Muppets

Pander Weekly Premiere Issue
 

Please don't throw rocks at me… I'm being serious, I promise! /sarc.

Anyway, I keep seeing these silly pop-up ads all over the internet, in my email and so on and I just really want to know "are these muscles real or fake?"  

Have fun, and oh, by the way… that's me on the right!  Wink! Wink!

The Internet is full of useful places that can help you find a job, sell your stuff or locate the exact instances of nudity within a movie, among other basic necessities. But when they say you can get anything on the Internet, they do mean anything. Including services seemingly aimed exclusively toward people with crippling personality disorders.

A Federal Detention Center in downtown Miami is falling under heightened scrutiny amid reports thatSouth American strippers are posing as paralegals and smuggling in contraband for imprisoned, wealthy drug lords.

The drug lords reportedly hire lawyers who then list the women as "legal assistants," which grants them access to the prisoners, the Miami New Times reports.

 

Funny McFadden comics.

The emergency department is my place of employment.  I specialized in emergency medicine in residency following medical school.  I like emergency medicine for many reasons.  I get to help people, I’m never “on-call” because it is shift work, I have a flexible schedule, and I make a pretty good living.  But, as important as those perks are to me, the best perk are the stories.  The crazy, weird and odd things people do or complain about when they come to the ER, now that is what can make life really interesting.   In one week I saw a patient who reported seizures following lightning strikes, a man with itchy nipples and numb lips, and an adolescent who wondered why his hands were red after he gratified himself.

I still remember my first week in private practice… fresh out of residency and I thought I had seen it all.  It was late at night, I was the only doc left in the ER and things had slowed down enough for everyone to catch their breath.  I was checking my email when I heard screaming coming from the ambulance bay down the hall.   Apparently this 30 something male had pushed through the sliding glass security doors and was sprinting down the hallway, screaming “it’s gone!!! It’s gone!!!   He was without shirt and shoes, and the front of his light-grey sweat pants was covered with bright red blood. He passed out and I pulled down his pants to see what was going on… there was 1 testicle.  The man had 1 testicle and everything else was gone!  After we got the bleeding under control, the surgeon showed up and rushed the patient upstairs to the operating room to "finish the job." 

What happened to this guy?  Did his wife catch him with another woman and pull a “Lorena Bobbitt?”  Did he get it caught in a moving car door?  The next day, one of the police officers came by the ER to give me the “details” of the events that occurred prior to the patient entering our hospital.  The patient had rented a hotel room across from the hospital.  In that that hotel room the police found blood all over the floor, empty vodka bottles, a bungee cord tied to the door knob at one end and frayed and bloody at the other end… and sitting on the desk in the middle of the room, was a custom (machine shop custom) made guillotine.  Apparently this young man did not want to be a man anymore and was without insurance that would pay for such changes.  So he had a professionally made guillotine for his penis… the “Penis Guillotine”… WTF!!!

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

Washington, DC - Americans are betting that they can select a better president by chance than by choice. The presidential elections, which were scheduled for next November, have been replaced by the nation’s first Presidential Lottery.

The new rules are simple. “Voters” can buy as many Presidential Lottery tickets as they can afford. Then on “Election Day.” a random drawing will be conducted, with the holder of the winning ticket named President of the United States.

“We were all set to hold elections as usual, until we saw who was running,” said Roger Flanter, Chancellor of the Electoral College.  “The candidates all seem to have memory disorders and learning issues. They shouldn’t be in the White House; they belong at the short end of a Dr. Phil segment.”

The idea of gambling to select the next president ironically came from the financial sector, which bet big on the housing bubble and left the middle class to clean up the mess after it burst. 

“Those Wall Street boys really know how to rig a game,” Flanter said. “They work better than loaded dice on a tilted craps table.”

Flanter is making sure his group comes out on top by charging a dollar for each presidential election lottery ticket. “The big corporations, labor unions and other special interests are going to want to buy millions, if not billions of tickets,” he said. “Meanwhile, we’re going to avoid all the expenses connected with conducting an actual national election. You can take that chad and shove it. ”

The changes are reflected in a new name for the US Board of Elections, which is now called the US Bored with Elections.  The oversight panel also has a new slogan: “The Presidential Lottery: All you need is a dollar and an unreasonable demand.”

To publicize the new system, the Electoral College is soliciting testimonial endorsements from citizens in all parts of America. Here’s a sampling of the initial results:

-- Mrs. Flory Butterfield in Waco, Texas says she’s going to take Air Force One on a four-year global excursion if she wins the presidency. “I’ll be like Bill Clinton,” she said, “but without the cigar.”

-- Billitt Zacher of Columbus, Ohio plans to reinstate the death penalty on the federal level. “I have a few scores I need to settle,” he said.

-- An L. Blankfein, who works in the busy canyons of lower Manhattan, would “putter around the White House, perhaps fixing little odds and ends. Then I’d order up a massive nuclear missile strike. I want to try out as many ways to destroy a country as I can.

Tickets for the Presidential Lottery go on sale next month. The winner will be notified by mail, if the U.S. Postal Service lasts that long.

Check Out This Article

Not so bad, right? It's an interesting post about some homophobic moron (who also happens to be a mayor) making a claim about his town's drinking water turning people into gays. It was a truly life-changing read, a wonderful way to spend 54 seconds of my life. However, nothing about that article truly caught my eye...

...that is, until I re-read it. Take a look at the second to last paragraph, where it says:

It's not the first eyebrow-raising claim about homosexuality to emerge out of Peru. Last year, Bolivian President Evo Morales...

I'm sorry, what? Please check me into a mental hospital, because we were just learning about South America in (one of my non-memorable classes). I do not remember studying about Peru, the capitol of Bolivia. Just to be sure of myself (because I can be wrong), I performed a google images search check, which confirmed my suspicions:

When you compare the two maps, they look the same. I understand that. But look closer, and you begin to realize that the borders are different shapes, the water/land percentages are different, the capitols are in different locations, and the cities are named differently. 

Evidently, the author meant to say "emerge out of South America" or "Peruvian President..." but didn't quite get there. Things like this happen all the time to me, I admit that, but I always catch the error immediately. I picked up on this one right away so either there was no editor for this article, or he/she wasn't paying attention. 

Yes, this is a typo and I rejoice [because it gives me material]. Recently I published an article about the lack of editing in professional publications on the internet. Let me clear something up before I'm attacked for it: this column isn't a professional publication. I don't edit my articles the way I would expect MSNBC or the Huffington Post to edit theirs. Of course, there are going to be lots of grammatical errors in my work, but I do not make mistakes like that, which should have been spotted and corrected.

Breaking news: America's King, David Cameron, will be speaking on interplanetary relations with Canada momentarily...

EDIT: The error was corrected on the site. However, I assumed when I wrote this (and I am kicking myself for doing so) that the error was "emerge out of Peru", not "Peruvian President", but because it was the latter of the two it only makes me take another look. I can understand, from experience, that the author may have been thinking Peru in his head and typed it on the page, but to insert a completely different country in the mix halfway through the paragraph?

The other day was one of the best day’s of my life... because I received in the mail my BIG FAT CAT WALL STREET CEO’s BONUS CHECK!  Thats right, a bonus check!  Wasn’t really a bonus check, but that’s what I called it.  I changed jobs 2 years ago and apparently there was an accounting error and my old company owed me around $500.  Anyway, I was so excited I was running around the house in front of my wife and kids singing loudly... “I’m in da moneeeey, I’m in da moneeeey!!!”  My wife said I was an idiot, but I didn’t care because “fun” was heading my way.  This weekend I began making shopping plans... what would I buy?  For $500 I could buy 9 video games for the PS3, or I could get 5 video games and 8 DVD’s... maybe I could use it for a down payment on something really cool, like a Honda Ruckus motor scooter.  I don’t know, but all weekend I was reeling with excitement and anticipation because of my “bonus” and my new “shopping power!”

Today, things changed for the worse.  I worked til 3am last night, so I was sleeping late and woke up around noon to the smell of... nasty dog farts.  I am the proud father of a 12 pound Brussels Griffon named Kirby Verdel.  Little Kirby has a nasty butt.  When he normally farts, we don’t really smell much, maybe just a temporary whiff of foulness and then it’s over.  But when little Kirby farts enough to stink up an entire room it is usually when he is really, really nervous... like when we have visitors in the house.

I rolled over in bed to see Kirby’s bugged eyes staring at the bathroom... that is when my world came crashing down.  2 men where in my bathroom tearing up the floor, cutting out pipes and so on.  I looked out the window and there was, not one, but two Roto Rooter trucks!   I ran into the kitchen and asked my wife what was going on.  She said, “toilet flooded again and a pipe in the floor was busted... oh, and I think I need your bonus check to pay for this.”  NOOOOOOOO!!!  I screamed internally... how could this be?  My plans, my shopping trip, my fun, my big fat cat Wall Street bonus check... all gone!!!  I wonder if the big fat cat CEO's ever have busted pipes and leaking toilets?!

Oh well, maybe I’ll have enough credit on my GameStop PowerUp card to get 1 used video game.  :)

Inspiration

A man walked into a motel on Sunday with the intent to rob it, but instead earned himself some jail time instead, thanks to two dozen MMA fighters who happened to have just checked in.

After a two hour fight which made prime time television on FOX, Luis Rosales, 33, was subdued in a choke-hold and full on body lock, pig pile style.

The MMA fighters were in town for a tournament and specialized in everything from kickboxing to board breaking and beyond.  

"Because he had a gun it took a little while to subdue him." said one of the heroes. "But we always had the advantage."

The fight mainly took place in the brickyard next to the hotel. There, police found enough evidence to re-create the entire struggle. The main signs of the fight were the 300 or so cement blocks broken into bits after being thrown around. The criminal also withstood multiple strikes to the legs, torso, and g-area, though incredibly he also survived at least eight blocks broken over his head by the fighters.

"That guy had a hard head." said another fighter, "It took more than a few whacks to bring him to his knees."

We didn't execute any commenters last week. (Sorry, I was out of the office.) But that's the thing about the banhammer: You never know where or when it's going to drop.

TOKYO: It was reported several days ago that thousands of potentially lethal containers had escaped from their containers and were not contained by containers containing contents able to contain them.

Up to half ten thousand containers are currently spread across the face of the earth in unknown locations running around waiting for the perfect moment to explode. These exploding containers were manufactured with unstable elements that gave them the haunting ability to blow up when they felt like it.

Loretta von Birch, our special correspondent, was talking to someone who knew something about them: "It's very scary that we do not have any idea to their whereabouts nor do they have any identifying characteristics. I suppose that if you see a container hurtling toward you at full speed, you may want to run away."

Neither the Taliban nor Al Qaeda are in possession of any exploding containers, but the government is warning Americans to be cautious.

"I would advise purchasing any tupperware until the risk has lowered a bit." said one Pentagon official, "Keep in mind that these containers could be anything from shipping to your average sandwich holder."

Last November, I wrote http://nealebooks.newsvine.com/_news/2010/11/14/5465507-zombies-how-to-killem-and-what-to-use?threadId=1133218&commentId=20586028 to aid you poor victims in protecting yourselves (and to drum up a little business!) So, perhaps a little review is in order, first.

To kill a zombie, the brain MUST be destroyed. De-capitation just stops them, but after battle, destroy the brains, or they will eventually re-assemble and come for you. Shotguns with slug loads work best, followed closely by large caliber handguns loaded with hollowpoints. Some people recommend swords, axes, machetes, and chainsaws. They work, but there is ONE huge drawback- you gotta close with the Zombie, risking a bite. ANY zombie saliva entering ANY open wound is fatal. If bitten, DEMAND your companions immediately kill you and destroy your brain, or else within 72 hours MAX (or as short as 30 minutes) you will be eating THEIR brains. ANY form of armor is better than none, but to be as safe as possible (which isn't very, no matter what), use your OZHASG (Occupational Zombie Hunters Asociation Safety Gear) for best results. as mentioned in the first article, I use the following;

The properly attired zombie killer is wearing body armor, leather Harley Davidson jacket, Leather pants, and a helmet/face-shield similar to the average police riot-gear helmet. I like weighted leather gloves (adds weight to sword swings, and aids when forced to punch a corpse in the face) and steel-toed boots. When going after an infestation, I arm myself thusly- My handmade Japanese Katana is slung over the left shoulder. I carry a custom built semi-automatic twelve gauge magazine-fed shotgun, loading a silver/lead mixed slug load. The silver DOESN'T kill'em, but it slows down their ability to re-generate if I only wound'em. My side-arm is a ParaOrdnance P14-45, tuned for combat. It is a high-capacity 1911-style .45ACP, holding 14+1 when fully loaded. I rarely work in a team-type situation, so interchangeability isn't one of my concerns

Note the presence of a sword, which I just put down as a weapon. They are a last-ditch back-up, when the Fecal Material Hits The Rotary Oscillator, NOT a main weapon. If you choose to read the linked article, you will learn what you need to know. So for tonight, I'll deal with some other SNMs (Super Natural Monsters), and answer any questions posed by you, dear reader.

So, on to a few others you might be unfortunate enough to encounter. We'll start with another un-dead, Hollywood's favorite, the vampire. Most of what is portrayed is, to be blunt, bull@!$%#. They AREN'T supernaturally sexy. They AREN'T rich, dignified noblemen. They DON'T (generally) have psychotic henchmen to protect their haunts in daytime (and they don't need them), and crosses, Bibles, Torahs, Korans, and prayer are a pure waste of time. For reasons unknown, silver seems to incapacitate (temporarily) a lot of SNMs, and it will work on Vamps, as well. There is only one way to effectively destroy beyond recovery a vampire. A hardwood stake driven through the heart, then de-capitation and destruction of the cranium and brain. NOTE!! Staking alone only renders them dormant. Removal of the stake leaves them awake, pissed off, and VERY thirsty. Vampires are NOT dormant daytimes, though sunlight does cause them excruciating pain. Hunting Vampires in their lairs is VERY dangerous day or night. Do it ONLY in daytime, and ONLY if you can secure a direct path for sunlight to enter the lair. Otherwise, it is recommended that you use a volunteer to lure them outside after dark and try to use a crossbow or harpoon gun to impale them with a hardwood stake to immobilize them, them finish them off. Vampires DO NOT retain any humanity after conversion, quickly lose the ability to speak, and DO NOT, despite Hollywood and Twilight, hang out together. They are lone killers, hunting and killing their prey (US!!) just as any other maneater does. The very rare survivor (one in 150 attacks survive the experience, to their regret) has greater than a 90% chance of turning. And ALL survivors who don't turn are staked and beheaded immediately upon natural death, because they almost always come back as something even worse, a smart vampire. These extremely rare versions are the basis for the Dracula stories, and teh only intersection between Hollywood and reality. The best thing you can say about them is the Smart Vamps do not remain undead long. The maximum time the SVs "survive has been documented as 5 years, but most rarely survive long enough to re-expire on their own, because they are vindictive and fearless.

Next, we arrive at the furbearers. Shifters. Werewolves, weretigers, werechows, weresnakes, and other were-creatures. Vastly misunderstood, and badly painted by both the few really bad ones, and Hollywood. First off, it is hereditary. So, to be a were, you have to be born that way (mostly, more on that, later!). Most children of weres AREN'T were, themselves, but they can still pass it on. The odds are, you've met at least one in the last year. Most are just people with a genetic anamoly that makes them were. They don't eat people, they aren't pursued by ghosts of their victims urging them to die, and the full moon isn't THAT big a deal to them. They can change at will, and rarely do it in front of "Straights". They do NOT live by the same rules as their root animal, they do NOT have "Alpha" males, and they DO have the ability to change only parts of their body in the blink of an eye to their root animal and back. A very few bad apples have spoiled it for the rest, causing the US government (among others) to offer bounties for them, with the only way t oearn immunity from the bounty is to be a killer for Uncle Sam. Most refuse, and live in hiding. I NEVER accept a bounty on ANY were unless one goes rogue.

Goblins are probably the most mis-understood and misrepresented of the SNM group. They actually AREN'T SNMs. They are survivors. From genetic testing, the appear to be closely related to humans, but diverged about 5-7 million years ago, They are, in fact, the missing link. Shy, furtive, and living on the outskirts of civilisation in the most desolate regions of the world, they tend to be gentl thieves, steling shiny things, food, and kittens. Don't "awe" that, they like how they taste. But they will run away rather than attack a human, even a child, unless you endanger THEIR child. Leave'em alone.

The rest of the supernatural pantheon is far less documented by hunters, and if encountered, the best I can suggest is run like hell, then call me at 362-4360, and I'll see what I can do for you.

PLEASE feel free to leave comments or questions here or at the other article (which I am going to refresh in my comment thread) if you want.

Granted I have only lived in one other country, but it just seems like the US of A is the best place in the world for anyone to live in. But why is the USA such a wonderful country?

I'm living proof that this country truly offers opportunities for all, no matter where you come from or who you are, as long as you work hard for it.

In nearly 10 years I have accomplished in this country what, in my own and even here, people will spend their whole lives working for, and will die without ever seeing it happening.

I have to thank the USA for showing me what true discrimination is though. If (some) Americans were to live in Brazil I don't think they could ever handle it. 

When comparing certain things in Brazil to the US, I found out that what I thought to be normal and OK isn't really normal or OK. In the US I have seen in the corporate world all kinds of people. I would go to work and see handicapped people, obese people, physically unattractive, elderly people and people without common sense and/or sense of hygiene. And the one thing we probably still don't (didn't?) get much (if ever) in Brazil are black people in higher management positions.

I would (and still kinda) find this the strangest thing looking around the office here in the US and at times I would ask my Brazilian co workers, where the hell are all of these people in Brazil? Do we hide them?

In Brazil, when you visit a corporate office, you will see everything nice and clean and well decorated. Receptionists and secretaries are good looking and well dressed. Even the servers and cleaning crews wear nice and clean uniforms. We don't "normally" see obese people or handicapped, elderly or unattractive people working in offices and companies (not at least where they can be seen). When looking for jobs and even relationships, in Brazil, the more over 30 years old one is, the harder it gets, while in the US the elderly still get jobs and can work if they are able to. Elderly people in Brazil (almost) never get jobs.

In Brazil looks do matter. There is a very popular quote from a very popular Brazilian poet that says: "Forgive me the ugly, but beauty is fundamental" ( “As feias que me desculpem, mas beleza é fundamental” - Vinicius de Moraes). So we take care of our physicall appearance, we do our nails, hair, workout, etc. we like to look good!

In the US, we see obese people, like really 250+ pounds people everywhere at restaurants, movies, etc. In Brazil I have never seen an obese person in my life. Overweight, yes but in all the years I lived there (aka all my life minus almost 10 years) I can honestly say I never saw a significantly obese person in real life.

When it comes to how people interact with one another, it's pretty laid back but I still think that (some or even most) Americans could not handle it. Brazilians make fun of everything and everyone... Brazilians give people nicknames based on their appearance i.e. people are called baldie, fattie, shorty, skinny, blackie, whitie, and so on and it's popularly pretty OK especially among friends and acquaintances. When in this country God forbid you call someone a name even joking and they are suing you for discrimination and/or racism. Another reason why Americans wouldn't do so well in Brazil is the fact that if they did try to sue someone, they would probably wait their whole lives before they were able to appear in front of a judge. The courts and law system are pretty slow over there.

Not to mention that criminality and corruption is huge in Brazil while the US people and the law enforcement are more honest and not corrupt.

My comparison between the two countries' culture is very vast. I do love the fact that I grew up with all other kids and was never taught this was wrong or someone was different because they were white, or Asian looking or Hispanic, etc. I love the fact that I have an open mind and see the world in many different ways and not only the white or the black way.

I sometimes think that money is one of the main reasons the USA gives opportunity to everyone. In this country, since each ethnic group is mostly apart from the other, they have to be marketed. And in order for business people to make money, they do need to show diversity. While in Brazil, "the minority group" are the poor people, no race targeted, so advertisers work on the social classes advertising instead of focusing on the "race" itself.

As far as discrimination charges, the US attorneys make a fortune year over year every time they sue someone for suffering discrimination. They make their cut and that individual also while the large group do not profit from it or aren't moving any further after each case. had it been the case, racism and discrimination wouldn't be such a huge issue in this country.

As far as foreign policies, and immigration, I am also living proof of all the fees I had to pay to be a legal immigrant and then a US citizen.

So if money hunger (also) doesn't drive the USA into being the best country to live on this planet, I don't know what does.

Yes, we have freedom of speech here, people are free to go to Walmart wearing their pajamas, go to work in their worst outfit, huge colored fingernails, piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, go to restaurants in shorts and flip flops, etc.

But the truth is, the next citizen might not be so happy with all this "freedom" because there are always protests going on, almost (if not) everyday in this or that US town or city.

Is one country better than the other? Maybe individually, but not really. There are really good and bad things in all countries. It's just good to look at the differences and be able to appreciate them all.

But the one thing that is great in the USA is the government. A Government that works to help the citizens in many ways with opportunities for all citizens and even non citizens, assistance for the poor and minorities and also work to help other countries. It is a government concerned with human rights. The US government is not perfect but it's not led by corruption. It might have been influenced and maybe bought by huge corporations and made them a priority at times but they still never forget its people. So far the US government is deserving of praise and admiration. It is in my opinion what makes this country a really great nation.

The United States of America still holds the rest of the world together, and for some reason it's kind of scary to imagine what the rest of the world would be like without this country.

1. When Someone is shooting an apple off your head:

Just a bit low, I'll aim higher next time.

2. You're a professional sport's player:

The game highlights are routinely devoted to the fans.

3. You just invested a significant amount of your assets:

Well on to market news. The Dow is down about 50% today to just over 5,600.

4. You are calling 911:

(Include heavy accent) Ello my name is Acaryanadana and I thank you for calling your local emergency service at 911. How may I be of service to you today?

5. You're on a plane:

Sarah Palin is your captain.

6. Your all-time favorite show was replaced:

In its spot? A show about idiots in their 20's getting wasted and showing too much to the cameras. Because we really don't have enough of those already.

7. It's election day:

And a celebrity breaks up with another celebrity. Cheer up, they'll report the results in a few weeks.

8. Rihanna takes her top off in the middle of your neighbor's potato field:

And here comes the bible-thumpers right as the show begins. (I don't usually make jokes like that but seeing that it's "current", well...)

OSLO: Reports broke early this afternoon of the conclusion of a 50 year study on the intelligence of people based on where they live. The results shot down the historic belief that village people had less intelligence than their suburban or city counterparts due to "lack of core evidence".

Loretta von Birch was on scene today to explain what this all means. "Leafy, the scientists behind the study were unable to come up with any documented proof confirming that the Village people have any less intelligence than the rest of us. Their brains are the same size and seem to function in the same manner, according to the sources, and the village people seemed to be up-to-date with the available technologies. They also performed basic, routine functions like the rest of the world's population. The only thing that observers could surface with was their sometimes erratic behavior spawned from emotional stress or excitement. Basically, the village people throw strange parties."

Our other reporter, Chuck Cedar, was in Stansel, Alabama, watching the celebrations of the local residents. "Leafy, strange parties indeed. When I first told them of the news, the residents proceeded to run around in circles and make engine noises for ten minutes. Then, they knocked themselves out by either running into trees or smashing their pickup trucks head on with each other."

UPDATE: After reviewing Chuck's report, a judge has ordered a re-examination of all evidence since the study began 50 years ago, saying that "the actions of the village people are unnatural and would not be performed by peoples of higher intelligence."

The last time people were deemed to have sub-human intelligence levels were the followers of the cult known as the "Beliebers". To be placed on this list, your intelligence level must be at or below the level of a porpoise, the second most intelligent creature known to man.

A court has rejected a 60-year-old man's attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by combat, rather than pay a £25 fine for a minor motoring offence.

"So because I got a lotta paperwork to do this morning, we're gonna flip on the TV and watch some Spongebob and chill, ok?"

That right there is one part of the first sentence that the instructor said to my class in Driver's education, the supposedly single most boring week of a teen's life. If you guessed, you are correct. This week has been turning out to be anything except boring. My instructor is hilarious and features a profanity-filled vocabulary, my class "gells" really well and is full of future comedians, and we have so far spent more time watching the Maury show and Jerry Springer than discussing vehicles.

But when we aren't watching trash tv, we are actually discussing the meaning of "Stop" signs, a very complex and confusing aspect that baffles drivers everywhere. We also compared the likeness of a yield sign to a martini glass (I'm not making anything up here), witnessed what would happen if two cars got into an accident (one falls off the whiteboard or something), and proved that the driver's manual is a lie: RR signs are not the only circular signs (and according to the instructor, the smart-ass who made the comment (who does that sound like) can take their stupid evacuation signs and shove it).

So to give you some insight into what could possibly be the least boring class I've ever had to take, I present you the best answers ever heard in Driver's Education:

If a "Speed Limit" sign says 50 MPH, what is the speed limit?"

70!!!

What is the legal way to transport an open container of alcohol?

Paper bag.

And a few more memorable quotes:

(While watching the Maury show): 30 kids? Which f***ed up dude has 30 kids? Homie ain't right!

Yeah I saw a cop show once where they bagged a kid for transporting a keg of beer in the passenger seat. You gotta be f***ing stupid to do that.

Aw, the cops LOVE pulling the kids over. Even if it's just for a chat, they will always get you for something. But me, they never pull me over! You guys need to get those puffy wigs or somethin.

California Roll", what's that, some new kind of joint?

Well if the cops pull you over and a big cloud of marijuana smoke is comin out the window, I think you're past the point of "probable cause" to search the vehicle.

The cops aren't stupid. You are gonna have a bunch of them (beer bottles) in a bag, not one in the center console. What you gonna say- "I was just going to recycle it"?

WHO TOUCHED MY F***ING AIR CONDITIONER?!?!?!

Now that I've got you, you know. If I ever hear about you gettin pulled over for DUI, I'll kick your ass

My son and I got an agreement. If he calls, I'll go and get him, and then kick his ass for getting drunk. If he drives home drunk, I'll kick his ass, and then kick his ass again. And then I'll take his license away.

Oh and here's a good song (and video) that we watched for fun only- not required by the RMV or anything. Highly suggest you check it out- it's about stupid road signs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLm3HMG8IhM

Quote:

happier than a tick on a fat dog

otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sand box

SCRANTON: In the middle of a lull between lunch and dinner rushes, a man burst into a pastry store this afternoon and demanded a large sum of money, holding a gun to the store clerk's head.

But the fiasco started when the money could not be produced. The would-be thief ordered everyone in the store out at gunpoint and sat in the back room for eight hours, holding a fruitcake as a hostage and demanding a ransom.

Strawberry shortcake had a lot to say to us, "It was terrifying. When the gun came out and the money wasn't there, we didn't know if we were going to be eaten or shot. And then, when all the people and the clerk were told to leave, we really thought it was the end. Chocolate cake nearly melted when he took fruitcake from her shelf and into the back room, but we're just glad that it's all over and that everyone is ok."

The fruitcake in question was held at gunpoint for nearly eight hours until the man emerged with his hands above his head. In the time that passed, the entire police force had arrived, complete with a helicopter and a SWAT team. Fearing for the pastries, no canine units were deployed.

Our own correspondent, Loretta von Birch, was on scene today: "Leafy, we cannot immediately confirm the initial amount that the thief was asking for, however we do know that he held the fruitcake in the room and demanded no less than $20,000 for its release. The owner of the store was only called after the police arrived and completely unaware of the situation until then. No people or pastries appeared to have any injuries from the incident, however one customer did manage to trip down the step on his way out of the building."

There were four customers in the store at the time, in addition to the clerk. All were apparently confused when they were ordered out of the store. One customer gave Loretta his thoughts: "I kept telling myself to stay calm until he made us leave. Then I started asking myself if I should just go home. What kind of stick-up was that, letting us go free in exchange for a fruitcake? Nobody likes fruitcake!"

This article was brought to you by Leafydebater from Newsvine.com.

DETROIT: Just minutes after the announcement that flying cars are now acceptable on the pavement of America (and already accepted in our airspace), owners of selected automobiles are now experiencing new wonders and horrors never seen before.

For the duration of today, there have been hundreds of reports of cars trying to fly, cars that really aren't cars, and 747's convinced that they are now allowed to drive through Small Town, America.

Many people have died today as the result of cars throwing themselves off of bridges to see if they really could fly like the airplanes in the sky. Even more people died when airplanes, including massive cargo jets, tried to land in the center of town and drive on the roads. Our friends at Toyota have been receiving many complaints that the drivers of the cars have been experiencing acceleration problems as the cars have tried to reach new speeds, in attempts to take off.

Loretta von Birch was on the roads of America today, talking to motorists: "Leafy, Americans are staying off the roads and highways today, trying to live to see tomorrow, but the truth is no one is safe anywhere. Just past noon an Airbus landed on a farmhouse far from any road, killing all 3 residents inside. We have an even more disturbing report that in downtown LA, a Ferrari suddenly shifted and stood up on 2 feet, not as a car, but as a robot, demanding to see a "Mr. Witwicky"."

Motorists should be warned that their car could achieve hopes and dreams at any point through the next few days, weeks, months, or even years. Considering that the possibility for such an event is in a high likelihood, the Federal Motor and Airway Patrol (FMAP) advises that you should keep your ejector seat control in the "on" position at all times and have the button within reach in a proper location. All motorists are advised to have their ejector seats inspected every five months, and such seats are required by law, though minimum requirements are on a state-by-state basis.

More updates as they come, for now, this is Leafydebater for Newsvine.com.

Here's a good one: a report about Russia's new bomb proof toilets. 

Here's the sad part: I can actually see the genius behind them.

All things considered, the headline and the report may have made you laugh. But after you read over the fact that these were developed after an (attempted?) air port bombing, these things seem to suddenly gain purpose. I mean, when someone drops a nuclear bomb on any public location, the first thing I think about is whether I had already sh*t my pants, and the second thing I think about is the nearest place where I can sh*t my pants.

They claim that these loos are virtually indestructible, which is when I get called to say "Oh, really?". But if these are actually bomb proof, I love it. All jokes aside, a toilet is a feature that we in the developed world have deemed to be necessary. Society would completely stop in NYC without toilets. It's actually frightening how we have come to rely on them to get through our day to day lifestyle, even cats use them now. Before, a toilet would actually be a place to consider bombing, but now... the bomb may go off, but we'd still  be able to drop bombs of our own!

There is one downside to this ultra security minded john, however. After 30 minutes of use, the door will fly open and alarms will sound. That means that people in two scenarios are screwed:

1. That guy who likes to read Playboy while doin' his business.

2. Anyone whose stomach is having a bad day.

If you see yourself listed above, please use the old fashioned ones.

Check out this babe who managed to evade/fake out the police several times during a high speed chase.

Ever since, I got "smacked" down by Soph 0571 for "honing in" on her site and trying to suck off her loyal readers, confuse them with my nonsensical rantings, coated in date rape drug fumes; then, drag 'em "screaming and hollering" against their will to my deranged site, Pigeon Report, I have been plotting my revenge - er - analysis of what ails America, China and the "Free World."

After an exhaustive, original study, lasting an incredible 11 minutes on the Greenwich time scale, I believe that I have uncovered the most shocking Conspiracy since Hillary Clinton's "VAST RIGHT WING" conspiratorial one that she found evidence for on the tip of her husband's penis. 

It ain't so, Brother and Sisters of the Corn-Hole generation!  There is absolutely no "Vast Wing Right Wing Conspiracy".  There is clear evidence, however, that a lot of Right Wing, Born Again, Tea Republicans folks just  want to walk America back two hundred and forty odd years to the GOLDEN AGE OF AMERICA, the 1770s, and, re-make her into a pure virginal, Christian Nation that the Born-Again, Homo-Hating God wanted it to be in the first damn place before that liberal sexual deviate, Benjamin Franklin, screwed it up with talks about Democracy.

Forget the "Socialist Take Over OF America Via The First Black President - Orchestrated by America's First SOCIALIST PRESIDENT -FDR and His Lisbon - Born Wife, Eleanor."  That touching conspiracy and its accompanying fee bible is currently running 24/7 on Fox TV Network TV new Reality Fox Network.   But, as interesting and it sounds, as a conspiracy it ain't happening, either. 

Throw out that "Luke warm" Wat-er-boar-ding conspirarcy first put forth by the less than prestigious, Bird Droppings Institute, A Think Tank For Morons, that dishonestly claimed, without a "lick" of actual facts to back it up, that "DICK CHENEY IS THE ALIEN Found At The Roswell, New Mexico's UFO CRASH SITE".

That is just so not true!

Everyone that is in the know, knows that Dick Cheney is the extreme Right Hand of Lucifer and came straight here from an methane explosion in the lowest bowels of Hell, the Born Again, "Jesus Wants You T o Be Rich Le-veil".

Now, Children of the Corn-Hole generation, so named, because of the popular game sweeping the nation and entrancing America's young and old alike into frittering away their worthless lives tossing a bean bag into a hole cut into a piece of plywood. Obviously, this is the work of the Devil and the ply wood industry.

Nope, it ain't the "Obama Yo Momma, Now" advocates either, those great patriots that produced the "FAKED LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE," disabused by our first illegal, Kenyan born, really black, "Temporary President," Ba-rack Obama.  That, is so passe.

And, I am sorry to report that the much heralded, "BIN LADEN - HIDING IN PLAIN SITE  - IN DONALD TRUMP'S COMB OVER!" is so over that even Saturday Night Live rejected it out of hand and told Jonathan Livingston Pigeon to stop sending material.  He was fired years ago.

No, brothers and sisters, its the "BRITISH CONSPIRACY!" 

The Brits, as they affectionately like to call themselves, have never surrendered their maniacal desire to "TO TAKE AMERICA BACK HOME AND GIVE IT TO THE QUEENS IN ENGLAND", or, so our highly discredited sources from Hell (reporter666) discovered while "Strangling Pigeons In The Park Just For a Lark", a practice he does only on Sundays under the watchful eyes of Tea Republicans who hate pigeons.

If I wasn't a dyslexic pigeon - I would hate the filthy things, too.  But, I have carnal knowledge and know that they are really nice birds suffering from an enlarged colon and perfect aim.

Ferget the Hispanics, you can see them from a mile away - it's the flood of well spoken British folks swarming into America in a desperate attempt to get out of that collapsing Socialistic country, England, cause it is about to implode due the unrestrained growth of queens and to it lack of a descent dentist.

To tell you the truth, Opal, my first cousin and the first wife of my nineteen (19) wives,  and, I , flew there not long ago.  I'll tell you what, I have never seen so many big, snaggled yellow tea stained-teeth as I did on our "research trip" to that uncivilized, stiff, upper lip, accent talking, Muslim-loving, uppity-crust country.

We was forced to swell that awful mind soughing TEA junk every day until I could not pee, see or find my rifle.  In disgust, Opal and I flew home on the wings of a Jet Blue aeroplane at little or no expense to taxpayers.

The Brits are coming, I tell you.  They is infiltrating the "vine," America's own Hollywood movie industry, national American TV as newscasters cause they can read, and overwhelming Republican "gay bath", even in your neck of the woods, cowboy. 

Wake Up AMERICA - Afro Ya Are Smothered In POO! Flock Off - Children of the Corn-Hole Generation

Disrespectfully Yours,

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon ("doctored") FOUNDER OF THE BIRD DROPPINGS INSTITUTE - A Think Tank Fer Smart Ale-cs (An Under Served, Forgotten Population of Cracker - Jacks).  That's, BDI, the world ONLY  source of Fair and Unbalanced News! God Bless!  LOL

There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world and poison cultures with dreams of throwing away everything that’s made them special as a people in search of a dream of blue jeans and Coke-a-cola in a bottle. Either one of these are sure fire signs that you’re King @!$%# and the world needs to get used to the cold hard fact that they’re just going to have to take it for a while.

SCRANTON, May 22, 2011:

New reports have indeed confirmed that the hippy who lives in the cardboard box on the corner of 2nd and Trump has indeed predicted the exact time and date when the world will end.

He said to a few passer-bys earlier today that the world will end when "he gets off this damn purple unicorn" that he is currently riding. 

When will the end of the world come? That butterfly in Canada got it wrong again! 3994? Nope. 2011? Wrong! I'll tell you when the world will end. It will.... whoa... it will end when I get off this damn unicorn and make that alieney thingy move its eight heads!

Reports say that the eight-head "alieney thingy" was most likely the stop sign on that particular corner. No unicorns were found on scene.

The hippy went on to claim that Bob Marley was his ex-girlfriend and that the reporter who was at the scene had a mother "fatter than the dumpster behind the building". When questioned further, the man went into his box, saying that his hookah needed to be fed.

So there you have it folks, the end of the world will soon be upon us (again)!

What would you listen to as humanity came to an end? Hard rock? Classical? Something on the lighter side?

We've put together some of the quintessential end of the world songs below, but we'd love to hear from you. Feel free to tell us about your doomsday soundtrack below, but then again none of that's going to matter in a few days anyway.

When judgment day comes -- which some US Christian fundamentalists insist will happen on Saturday -- have you thought about what you're going to do with the family dog and cat?

I wonder what kind of gunk he had up in his hair, that 'ish caught on fire quick!

Here's an Osama Bin Laden-related news article that is much more silly than some others floating about.

This has to be a coincidence, right?

Last night--I must be in the midst of a borderline-personality disorder crisis--I had a big blow-up over nothing (demons banshees whatever..)with a housemate (Mister Merry Man, we’ll so designate the oaf) last night. We bellowed like bools (nod to e.e. cummings). A bloated housemate. A drunken who is 54 but looks 94! All those heavy meat meals, cheeses, cigarettes & booze.

How can he continue to  exist? He usually has trouble walking but yesterday started doing a jig for my benefit. Must be on Percocet. (I think he might've seen me the other day doing some shadow-boxing.)  I told him to stop with the bull@!$%#. I was minding my own business. Most others just walk away from the poor guy & leave him squawking to himself. I called him an ignorant superstition-ridden idiot. He was angry I did. I was angry he was insulting my intelligence.

That's what I get for hanging at what's essentially a halfway house. What the hell am I doing there? The point was to get off Loser Mountain & off the winter streets. Okay so it's warming during the day mostly here--SF Bay Area--but the nights are  semi-rigid. All kinds of mini-weather systems swirling around like crazed Mongol cavalry.

It’s been slim pickin’s lately on the coffee house circuit.  I blame the Royal Wedding. But the young students are studenting for semester’s end. And while at one time I might’ve jumped at the chance to hump anything that moved married or not here I come, the New Man shies away from that bleak karmic road. Call it conscience?

Or maybe it’s just fatigue. A good book, a shady nook, a jug of hot cocoa…& maybe thou & maybe not thou. Maybe just me in me-time. Next stop Hawaii? Not yet. Beverly Hills first. Where I should’ve been months ago. Except for fear. Not fear exactly. More like lack of confidence. No not solely lack of confidence. More like a 4-day hospital stay. Almost broke my back & legs up the hill back visiting where I sued to live in the Santa Cruz Mts. I do that periodically. Carrying fire wood. Taking a prat-fall. Which wasn’t so bad. It was the load of wood I was carrying that landed on my right leg, that immediately blew up to an enormous size. (If my penis would only have that problem…)

 Cold-pack & elevation  fixed that problem partially. Only the first doctor’s visit didn’t do the trick so some days later I limped into the ER at Stanford Hospital where they  instantaneously  admitted me. Great treatment. Great nurses. Great food. They wanted to keep me. And I didn’t want to leave. (Did I write about this episode already…? Anyway…Consider this is a partial recapitulation--which is what it is-- then. I’m getting old. Memory’s going. Please bear with me.

I love Palo Alto. Filled with giant brontosaurus women.  Gigantrixes clicking confident  professional heels along the sidewalks .  I just hope they don’t become extinct in my lifetime. Women are so beautiful. (And vulnerable, in a paradoxically strong way. They make me want to cry. They’re trying to save the world, goddammit! A world that don’t wanna be saved. Therefore…VOTE HILLARY!!! ??? )

Anyway… will hang late at the Cupertino, Los Gatos, Palo Alto & S.F. coffee houses—in full Mister Merry Man Avoidance Mode-- until I blow this berg i.e. Cupertino, for my Southern California trip…Although I’m sure avoiding the cheesy Loyalista  news from London will be a more difficult task.

I’m sure I’m missing something here but then I always do. Please bear with me. BTW—Have I asked you to please bear with me today…?  

Women have long complained that their faces are often the last thing men look at – and now a scientific study has proved them right.

Researchers found that virtually half – 47 per cent – of men first glance at a woman's chest. A third of the so-called 'first fixations' are on the waist and hips, while fewer than
20 per cent look at the face.

...

And he is suing the government for $500k!!! An inmate working at an Alberta prison farm is suing the Attorney-General of Canada for $500,000 after alleging he was badly injured by an "aggressive and dangerous" cow.

Today, tragedy struck hard and close at home this morning at the Less Than Prestigious BIRD DROPPINGS INSTITUTE, when it was learned that "pigeon" was busted trying to smuggle cocaine and marijuana into a prison.

"When one of your own is caught up in the clutches of the drug world it breaks your heart," stated world renown CEO & Founder, of the Pigeon Report, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon. "Sadly, this morning we received a garbled cable from Bucaramanga, Columbia confirming the worst, it read: Pigeon Arrested' - stop - Detained For Smuggling - STOP - '1.6 oz of cocaine and a small amount of marijuana -stop - into area prison - stop- . We are still trying to figure out what the "STOP" means. Do any of you know?

At approximately 4:15 PM, this afternoon, we, here at the Bird Droppings Institute, A Guano Style Think Tank For Smart Alecs, got telephonic confirmation that the rumor was true. "Pigeon Arrested!" The phones went berserk with hostile Right Righteous Right Wing Nut Job callers jamming the phone lines, emailing and texting their hateful messages, to wit: "I told ya he was a drug addict, hop head, strung out lefty", etc., ad nauseous. Few, if any, express concern for his large dysfunctional family.

Today, it is our sad duty to inform you, that, yes, it is true, a Carrier Pigeon was detained for trying to smuggle contraband substances into a Colombian prison by attempting to fly over the prison walls with the cocaine and marijuana tied to his left leg. This is clearly a violation of the Code of Honor of The Carrier Pigeon Guidelines and of the laws of the country of Columbia, drug capital to the world. Fortunately for all, that naughty pigeon is now in the care of the local police department in Bucaramanga, Columbia. The spokesperson for the department, police commander, Jose Angel said, "We found this bird about a block or so from the prison trying desperately to fly over the prison walls."

Apparently, its handler had placed the illegal substance in a white package and tied it to the pigeon's leg. Unfortunately, the greedy culprit or culprit(s) added a wad of marijuana, too, which make it impossible for the pigeon to get the altitude he needed to fly over the prison wall, although, observers reported that the brave pigeon tried in vain several times before taking a nap on the curb, where he was apprehended without incident.

The question that ornithologists are still trying to resolve is: When Is A Pigeon A MULE? When he smuggles drugs for a two legged creature too lazy to do it for himself? Or, is a pigeon a pigeon even when it is being used as a mule? "These are complex issues that must be resolved if we are to have a civil society", someone noted, but we are not sure who.

"The carrier pigeon, is a highly trained, professional dedicated to carrying letters and brief notes but not designed for hauling drugs into a prison camp yard. Unfortunately, with the world economy in shambles thanks to the Republican driven collapse of the financial markets, many fowl have had to turn to foul means to feed their flying flock and this type of activity is on the rise worldwide", noted The Very Revered Oral Fleece, who just happened to walk into the press conference unannounced, still smoking a "togy".

"If you see a lumbering pigeon with a large package tied to its leg flying around your favorite place of incarceration - DON'T TRY TO APPREHEND IT YOURSELF - Call the proper authorities," added Commander Jose Angel on his way to the local clay pigeon trap shoot.

"We have come a long way," noted "Doctored" Pigeon, "but, we still have a lot of work to do - but, then, who doesn't?"

PIGEON OFF - WAY OFF!

This is a true story (sort of, except for the parts that are lies). It was filed under protest by Juan Robertos, our roaming clubbed reporter from South of the Border, who is delighted that we didn't send him to Wisconsin.

Right now, on YouTube, there is a video of a Granny, age given as 75, beating the crap outta 5 smash and grab robbers, armed with what appear to be baseball bats, using only her purse and one HELL of a lot of moxie. Now, a friend of mine read the first version (no video attached) that said she used a shopping bag. He then made a comment that we knew what weapon would be next on the ban-happy liberal attack list. In response, I wrote the following. It was only later that I saw the video and realizes he'd gotten it a little wrong, but by then, I had gotten enough laughs about it that I felt obliged to spread the humor. Enjoy the following. Or not.

BAN ASSAULT SHOPPING BAGS!! From this date forward, all shopping bags MUST be rated to break when more than a 1.2 gee force of swing is applied to them. NO bag may hold more than 5 pounds of food, unless a "Class Three Shopping Bag licens is applied for. A $100/bag tax will be assessed. ALL C3 shopping bags must be stored with your local police when shopping isn't actually in progress. These bags may not be removed from storage for a period or longer than 3 hours, nor removed FROM said storage without a MANDATORY 3 day "cooling off period" to insure the licensee has no intent to use it for other than shopping purposes. C3 bags may not be removed from the secure storage facility more than 1 (one) time per 30 day period. Purchases of more than 1 (one) C3 bag in a 7 (seven) day period MUST be reported to the federal Class Three Shopping Bag License Bureau within 24 hours. Possession of or transfer to an unlicensed person OF a Class 3 Bag shall be punishable by a sentence of NOT LESS THAN 3 (three) years and/or a fine of not less than $5000 for a first offense. Penalties double with each subsequent offense OR multiple bag possessions. Note that ALL bags that do not meet requirements of this regulation MUST be registered and have a $50 tax PER BAG to enable user to continue using these "pre-ban" bags. Ownership may not be transferred without meeting ALL licensing requirements set forth above. "Pre-ban" bags must ALSO be prominently marked as such. The tax stamps for these bags may be purchased only on 03-01-2011, at the local branch of the Shopping Bag Czar Licensing Office, by presenting each bag for testing, stamping, and inspection, between the hours of 9am and 10am, Greenwich Standard Time.

By order of the Shopping Bag Czar, Ima Dumkopf,
Effective date; 03-01-2011 12:01 am, Eastern Standard Time.

During a recent trance reading by Eduardo Casey, lead Seer at the Less Than Prestigious BIRD DROPPING INSTITUTE, A Right Wing, Left of Centered, Fundamentally Flawed, Conservative Conspirators THINK TANK FOR SMART ALEC'S, Just a Sharp Right Turn from Commonsense, in lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown, Mildew, Ohio, the exact location of the missing prophecies of ASTOR'S-DUMB-ASS MAN, a 5Th Century Aztec Math and Science teacher and 5Th generation "seer-er" were discovered under an rotting "Mickey D" container.

This earth shattering archaeological discovery has the scientific world running around in their shorts screaming, "Chicken Little, Chick Little is coming and I am, too." Sociologists, Psychologists, and just plain ignorant "dumb asses" are all scratching their oversized asses and asking themselves 'WTF" does this mean for Tea Republicans in 2012?

As an estranged member of the "human race" the great, sleeping "Doctor" Eduardo Casey is well know for his "Lies, Fabrications and Psychotic Predictions," first published while he was an inmate at the New Jersey State Hospital, where he worked on his imaginary Ph.d.

The centuries rumored, lost cryptic Prophecies of Astro-Dumb-ass Man is well know to hysterical historians and conspirator theorists of the highest and lowest order, which includes this fine institution, and has been the subject of eons of research. The newly unearthed hieroglyphics clay tablets are in a code that is yet to be decipher by even our most notorious scholars still in prison.

Therefore, we are asking for your help, because as newsvine posters, we know that you are some of the smartest people on the planet Delirium and we just don't have a clue and never will. Please send us your contributions, interpretations and we will post them on our prestigiousless website for all to shamefully mock!

The winner, selected from an impartial panel of gun freaks, will get a "free automatic machine gun" that you can shoot with your nuclear family, if you still have one, and, we will award you enough ammunition, courtesy of the NRA, to last a millennium.

Here is the first scroll:

You f(*&ing Dumb@#$#2 are (*&^^^^%_)(*&+%%$$#@ Tea Pukes +_)(*&^@345.

From a scientific point of view, we are soliciting your views, interpretations, reading and visions of these ancient codes and other things that you might want to send to us, like your watches, gold teeth, neighborhoods collectible, etc.

In the name of archaeologist everywhere, I remain, encoded, and enshrouded. Please spend some time solving this mystery, it could spell the end of mankind, and the emergence of a new, less intelligent species, the Tea Republicans on their downward march to extinction.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon, "Doctored"

CEO & FOUNDER

Bird Droppings Institute

A Fair & Unbalance Institution

Doctor Funkinstein, a well known Phonologist and world class ass-toroid specialist fell backwards down the cellar stairs while listening to "Stairway to Heaven" on his Ipod and tumbled headlong into the Secret Domain of the Knights of the Illuminaughies at the less than illustrious Bird Droppings Institute, where, because Funkinstein was semi-literate, he was instantly made head of the Journalism department and locked in the basement laboratory, at his request, to work in solitude on his Funk Music Journalism Prognostication's for 2011 and beyond.

As a result, if you have a question, any question, just ask Doctored Funkinstein and he will answer your question to the best of his lying ability. You see, he is somewhat of a psycho and somewhat of a shake. So, if you are unable to get Dr. Phil on the phone and you need an answer to a life changing question: Write to THE FAKE, Dr. Funkinstein and be stupefied!

Here are just a few of his prediction for 2011:

• Scandal will erupt around Sarah Palin when it is discovered that she has had extensive plastic surgery and really is an Alaskan Gris-sly Bear. Charges will be filed against her husband for cross pollination.
• Palin's kids decide to return to High School to get their GED but are asked to leave for having unprotected sex with their instructors.
• Sarah Palin admits that she is really a drag queen and that her husband, Todd, is gay, only sad on Tuesdays when he pretends to be straight.
• Lindsey Graham says that he can't help it if he is a closet queen with a name like Lindsey, what did they expect?
• John Boehner slurs a few words at the Press Club and then is driven to the Betty Ford Clinic for an extensive stay.
• Glenn Beck bites a dog and the dog is given rabies shots.
• RUSH Limbaugh admits that he has never had sex with a human. His clitoris is in his throat, that is why he love to scream so much.
• Republicans fight for two years to repeal Health-care only to lose in the end and thrown off the planet earth, when it slows down to pick up an alien hitchhiker.
• Tea Party dissolves when it elect Michelle Bachman (R), Minnesota, as it spokesperson and she stick her foot in her mouth and like it.

Dr. Funinstein stated at a briefing for dwarfs that many strange people, especially "Lefties" have allusions and that they, too, can see the future. If you are such a "loser" write us with your visions and we will be more than happy to add it to our list, since our staff is burned out and unable to write anything else.

Working Towards A More Corrupt America Filled With Free Cheese and Socialistic Parties Sponsored by Democrats who Spend Their Vacations Burning Purloined Copies of the Constitution, While Trying To Take Money From the Right Wing Conservative Republican Knuckleheads That Work Hard For It and Give It to the Lazy Left!

A recent poll shows 62% of Americans say they don't want to vote for Palin, but kinda just have to see what would happen.

If you know an idiot, please make sure they're safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare.

For decades, now, our three readers, here, at the Pigeon Report have been sending us telepathic requests to use our extra-ordinary skills as a "seer" to answer some very pressing questions that have been weighing heavily on their little minds, which are the size of a small walnut.

So, I have finally agreed, after much badgering, and, a really good beating, to asked Edgar Jaycees, III to join us for a combined seance and mind meld. Edward, aka, Edgar, give his mysterious Atlanta's reading while a deep sleep, or, drunk on the couch. I, am the only unbiased and "civil" member of "The Newsvine Community" and it is my role to ask a question of him while he is in a trance and he telepathically answers through me, and, of course, because I am incapable of keeping a secret, I immediately, tell you.

However, at the moment, Edgar is giving a reading to a really "dense" client that is so enamoured with with Edgar Jaycees, III that the questionable client actually brings him a wagon load of turnips which he share (when not drunk) with the entire staff who devour them ravenously before they Flock off!

So, for that one "special - very, very special" reader, the really odd one, Vlad's dog, one of our more enlightened read that is alleged to be able to read our post without the aid of a tutor. I am please to say, that of our total readership of three, two nearly literate newsviners and one blind mouse, he, Vladamir Dogjinkencowski, is the most promising and the least likely to succeed.

I am making an exception, therefore, and, doing something that I will probably regret in the morning. But, what the heck, it isn't as if I hadn't done that several hundred times before and since there is no more bird seed, here, at the Bird Droppings Institute, and, I have lots of chores to do, I have decided, (after a considerable amount of reflections, approximately 7 seconds), to enter into a deep sleep and a mind meld with Edgar Jaycees, III, and, to answer, "to the best of our limited ability, in as truthful manner, as much, or as little, as we are capable of, when not sober"), to Devin these answers - that some will love - but, based on past experiences, most of you will vehemently despise.

Are you ready, Edgar? He signals, "Yes," by snoring loudly and giving me the finger. The question our reader wants to know is: "WHO IS GAY & WHO IS NOT?"

Instantly, and still in a deep trance, Edgar Jaycees, III, replies in a rapid, rabid manner not unlike that epileptic chicken and fellow Trance Talker, Glenn Beck, on his nightly Fox TV Network News & Delusional Fantasies Show, soon to be available "Free" to the "criminally insane", Conservative Right Wing Evangelical, Born Up-sided Down Republicans and their ill-legitimate Off-off springs the Tea Patriots.

Anwers, the great Jaycees, Who is gay and Who Is Not?

TRAVOLTA? Are You Kidding Me, You Don't Know By Now?

TOM CRUISE? My attorney says that I can't answer that question!

SARAH PALIN? No! - But, she is a "gay bash-er," according to our journalistic Bible,The National Enquirer, which I know that a lot of you cannot afford anymore since your jobs were shipped off to China, or India or Mexico, by your Republican friends, so, that they could get a little extra money from "kick backs" from their corporate lobbyists buddies. Try getting by on a measly Congressional salary of $187,000, plus the best benefits that government money can buy, and, I think, that you, too, would agreed that is "not enough" these days. So, if an enterprising Congressional person has an opportunity to sell their country out, why shouldn't they take it, especially, if they are Right Wing, Conservative Republicans that can shield their activity from the general public by embracing their Christian faith every 5 seconds on national TV? Why shouldn't they do a little "consulting" on the side? Anyways, our Journalistic Bible, the National Enquirer reported that Sarah Palin never corrects her daughter, Bristol, and, that other tramp, what's her face, when they make "inappropriate gay bashing remarks on their Face Book accounts,". Therefore, after careful consideration, I think that means that we are going to have to put her name in the "Gay Bather" column, don't you, Edgar?

MICHAEL JACKSON? Dead. But, the evidence is not all in to make a definitive determination between Child molester and Gay Banging, Outlaw Motorcycle Gang Leader. We are, however, beaning towards gay, child day care provider, occasional molester and terrific rock singer.

Mac CAULAY CULKIN? He slept with Michael, do you have to ask?

GLENN BECK? Says That He Is "Not" - But, Those Big, Pig Lips Are Saying Something Else.

DICK CHENEY? I KNOW THAT THIS IS GOING TO DISAPPOINT A LOT OF YOU, BUT, NO! He is an avowed and happy married "sadist", thank you."

GEORGE W BUSH? Wanted to, but, when he was a Cheerleader in college, but no one would take him up on his offer, so, he gave it up and married one.

OBAMA? "No, and, Hell No," said Michelle Obama, when we contacted her at the White-house through our special correspondent, Liberal Lefty, who is assigned to cover that "perch." Lefty ( a liberal leaning reporter) stated, after he regained consciousness and after he picked himself up off the floor, where The First Lady had ceremoniously thrown him. "Liberal Lefty" noted that he continued with the interview in a little less direct fashion - out of range of her right hook, and, she allegedly retorted, "Hell No, and No, you, little Contaminated Bird Bath!" In a slightly less hostile tone, The First Lady added, "I have two kids and the stretch marks to prove it! Do you want to see them," she asked, jerking upward her designer blouse. "No, thanks, that wouldn't be necessary," retorted our highly professional carrier pigeon, "Liberal Left, reporting, nearly dead from the Righteous-house, Washington, DC.

Hillary Clinton? Who Cares? Would you "do" her if she where face up on a barroom floor and you were really, really drunk? I think not!

And, thus, concluded the trance bringing, Edgar Jaycees, III abruptly to his feet. "When do we eat?" he inquired ever the paid professional and former Richard Simmons drop out, at 685 pounds and holding - holding every bit of fun he can get.

So, folks, just a friendly reminder, if you, or your loved ones, have a pressing issue and you can't book the Dr. Phil Show, and, you need an answer within 60 days, or so, please, feel free to contact us, well, its not exactly, "free,". . . just drop your wallet into the mail to us - make sure you have included all your credit cards and proper IDs and send it to us, here, at the less than prestigious Bird Dropping Institute, % A Right Wing, Left of Centered, Fundamentally Flawed, Conservative Conspirators THINK TANK For Smart Alec's, By Smart Alec's, So Help Me God, Vacated in Mildew, Ohio - "right dab" in the middle of Congressman, John A. Boner's, 8Th Congressional District, where there are no jobs, and, we like it that way, cause we just love that "free" government cheese!

As many of you, "the enlightened" readers of the highly praised, Pigeon Report, know, we, the extra terrestrials (E.T.s) formerly under contract to Warner Brothers, have been hanging out here for hundreds of thousands of years. Where? Where else? We have been hiding in the bathroom of Earth, the oceans. Waiting patiently until the Neanderthal Derivatives (a term of endearment in our universe) successfully evolved suficiently along Darwin's Evolutionary Path, provided that the Tea & Nut Party, hasn't out law evolution. Waiting patiently so that we could communicate, intermarry and one day "throw an Out Of This World - Gigantic Gay Celestial Coming Out" Party for our kind. Because, to be truthful, we are "horny" as Hell and want to get it on with our "Scientific Experiments" while we are still young enough and don't require hands full of Viagra and Oxycontin, like our fallen brother, Rush Lumbago.

Over the past ten years, we have grown weary of our uninteresting "cattle mutilation" experiments consisting of draining blood and spinal fluids from doe eyed cattle. It just isn't as much fun anymore since we don't get the press coverage like we used, to. Now a days, the crazy evolutionary throw backs, the Tea Republicans, steal all of the press headlines and our antics are buried in the Business Section of the Times, which no one reads.

Look, folks, we haven't travelled this FAR to be relegated to the back pages of all of the Rump-ert Murdoch media outlets, which is, now, 99.5% of all media, thanks to the Republicans, who have speed up the ability of monopolies to gobble up all the media sources under one heading, "entertainment" and allow NEWS, INC to own them all! I can categorically tell you that this would not be tolerated in any Universe worth its salt. Monopolies are anathema in most solar systems with intelligent life.

The question, of course, for our scientific expedition is to determine if their is any intelligent life, here, and, the jury is still out - leaning toward the negative column with the recent election of Michelle Bach-man, Tea Party Candidate, from the not so bright state of Minnesota to the 112th Congress, during the all too recent, mid-term Massacre.

We, the E.T.'s, are somewhat offended and quite pissed off, really, that those slow, low functioning Cro-Mag-nons have usurped our position and now no one knows much about us, except Steven Spielberg, who is a terrible canasta player, and, even he, has grown tired of our war stories. Yesiree, Ladies, we want back on the Front Page! We are perishing out her in synonymous land where Sarah Palin does everyone, but us. She is doing nothing for us! What a lumber head?

That is why we are advertising nation-wide for good looking, voluptuous wild women, looking for a "good time" and some far out intellectual stimulation to further the goals of "science". Of course, we cannot offer any monetary re-numeration - because we don't know what that means, and, we, also understand, that for some "silly" reason this planet prohibits "paid ladies of the night, afternoon and morning" from taking money for their much needed services, a practice, that is quite common in all of the enlightened galaxies!

Also, we do not believe in money - we do every thing my sucking each others necks and transferring information, goods and trade in that manner. It is cleaner, more surgical, and, there is a lot less loss of goods and blood.

If you are a voluptuous woman, or, think that you all, contact us, telepathically, and, one of our new, upgraded saucers will be tossed your way in a matter of seconds. Also, please wear loosely fitting clothes. A low neckline is appreciated. Our experiments are known to go on all night and into the next day, so, please pack accordingly.

Your neighborhood E.T.'s wishing you a Happy New Year and A Reproductive One!

Onion News Network On IFC (1:10)

If you know an idiot, please make sure they're safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare. Onion News Network is coming to IFC on January 21 at 10pm.

"Saturday night live makes fun of the shake weight commercial"

WARNING: POSSIBLY NSFW!

great satire and oh spot on

Yesterday, for the first time in a month, I had what I thought a novel concept for a satire piece and I typed it up and published it both independently here and over here where we're collecting holiday related fiction and satire pieces.

I just posted this at facebook:

here's how i stay (relatively) sane: plan satire pieces. am writing a new piece in my head today in which santa and satan meet once each december to exhange mail mistakenly sent to the other party.Am debating whether satan and santa exchange presents and what that would entail exactly.

But I also like to give out interesting writing assignments so I thought i'd open this one to others. How about you guys take this premise and run with it. Independently I'll write up my own. Let's each publish them as separate articles - but please post a link to your article from here and vice versa so I can find it.

Some things you can play with in the story:

Does Satan write a letter each year to Santa? "Dear Santa, "I've been bad again this year?"

What kind of letters does Satan get?

What do Satan and Santa do together? Dinner? A movie? Ice skating?

You get the idea.

Go wild.

Shoot for publishing it by Christmas.

Music intro:

Put the shotgun down ma, pa's comin home

He's been away to long.

He's sorry for drinkin and runnin around,

Ma put that shotgun down.

Pa made a promise to ma long ago when he placed that ring on her hand

But pa takes to drinkin like a hog to slop, thats somethin that ma don't understand

Pa likes gambling with the boys in town, leaves us and ma here all alone

She stands in the front door with that loaded shotgun when he comes staggering home

Put the shotgun down ma, pa's comin home

He's been away to long.

He's sorry for drinkin and runnin around,

Ma put that shotgun down.

Music break:

I never will forget that day in June when pa came stumbling home around noon

He was headed to the out house when we heard that awful blast

We saw pa a running just holding his aaaaaaaaayyyy.

Put the shotgun down ma, pa's comin home

He's been away to long.

He's sorry for drinkin and runnin around,

Ma put that shotgun down.

She found pa's still that sat upon the hill, she proceeded to tear the darn thing down

Little did she know it was the preachers down the road that made apple cider for the old folks in town

Put the shotgun down ma, pa's comin home

He's been away to long.

He's sorry for drinkin and runnin around,

Ma put that shotgun down.

Music outro....(old man talking part: Dad gummit woman you do shot holes in my underwear....I know you told me I needed to watch my drinkin, that why I found me a bar with a BIG mirror behind it...so I could watch myself drinkin.)

J. Knowlton Music and words 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qmhOOUxpjU

And don't get Black started on San Francisco's ban of Happy Meal toys.

"So let me get this straight," Black said. "The town that gives away clean syringes to heroin adicts won't let your kid have a Buzz Lightyear with his Happy Meal because it sends the wrong message?"

Infographic time!

"A lawnmower learns to dream big. A lesson in life we can all learn."

In the latest clip, culled from a 1998 episode of Maher’s old show “Politically Incorrect,” Christine O’Donnell is shown vehemently asserting that “evolution is a myth.”

A stupefied Maher asks, “Have you ever looked at a monkey?” to which O’Donnell replies, “Well then...why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?”

Yes, it is another flowtown infographic, which I cannot seem to resist. I'll quote from the sidebar:

Just as Maslow studied Albert Einstein and Frederick Douglass to determine the motivations and curiosities of humans, one can study social networks to determine what drives online users.... In most cases, it is pornography.

Zombies get more press, but garden gnomes may be a bigger threat to public safety.

Or so says Chuck Sambuchino of Cincinnati, who is on a one-man crusade to warn his fellow citizens about the looming dangers garden gnomes present to America's suburbs and rural areas.

New & used electronics, cars, apparel, collectibles, sporting goods & more at low prices

For Sale at eBay: Nothing. Bid now at $11.50.

Seller address is Brooklyn, NY

Type Your Article Here ...

After serving 30 months in the Navy and participating in four overseas invasions during World War II, comedian Lenny Bruce went to the sick bay on the U.S.S. Brooklyn in May 1945 to report that he was feeling a little gay.

Martin Bishop, deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee, said: "I would just like him to have the courage to produce his birth certificate so that we can see once and for all what kind of car he is."

We've all by now heard a variety of stories about why the flight attendant left his plane, after grabbing a beer (a nice touch) on the way out.

A satire of it is over here.

Your challenge is to write up a fictional account of what happened. Bonus points if you can involve the mile high club as a plot point.

Love this satirist. I considered today setting up a witing challenge on the story on which this is based, asking peple to create their own story on what took place on this plane.

Type Your Article Here ...

Previously after our hike up the waterfall poor Reina was limping and beat down. When we went to Petsmart (she has dog medical insurance there, hopefully nobody reforms it) we bought her a squeeky dog toy as a get well present. It was a squeeky carrot for an injured doggy. Well before she got better Sophie was playing with the carrot and began to believe it was hers. This created an imbalance in the land of the short ones and soon enough a confrontation was brewing over who was the rightfull owner of the carrot. So tonight in the 14 pound Chihuahua style dog division we have our two opponents.

In the bad dog corner wearing the brown fur, half chihuahua, and half dachshund is Sophie employing her weeny style.

In the "illegal alien dog" corner wearing the black fur with doby trim, half ankle pincher, and half chihuahua is Reina employing her angry pinscher style.

Let's get ready to rrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmbbbbbbblllllllllleeeee!!!

Disclaimer: This is Dog wrestling and as such causes no injury to the doggies whatsoever, they just get tired, thirsty, and probably eat more. As it was all their idea, I can take no responsibility for anything but safety which because I was hanging around was assured.

Gawker:
"This is a video made by The Onion in 2007, showing a congressman—played by an actor—read out a largely classified bill about a zombie invasion. Recently, it's been making the rounds on Facebook—but not as a satire.

It's hard to tell where the video first emerged as a documentation of 33rd-degree Mason-President Obama's plans to block off our third eyes and instate martial law, but the title links it to this Twitter account, which is composed mostly of links to conspiracy-fermenting videos and pithy quotes (many of them self-attributed).

The account hosting the video, Truthzonetvcom, ("Interests: Trying to save the world. lol") is evasive about whether it's presenting the video as fact or fiction: "If you are already conditioned to view this as entertainment or enter-tam-Mind [ed. WTF] then you will miss the message... So be my guess and ridicule me and the rest of us trying to show you the truth. Just remember...It's your negative response they want." You know what, Truthzonetvcom? We will be your guess.
...................................................................."

In the dark, smoky rooms behind closed doors on the 13th floor of super-secret complexes you really thought were Dead Letter Mail offices, are the people who create The Conspiracies. They huddle together and forge ingenious plans to fool society and the world at large. They have insiders within every government organization and all major corporations except Google.

Google, as everyone knows, does their conspiracies in-house, and therefore needs no help from the outside.

No one knows exactly when the Conspiracy Consortium began their work, but they started out small and kind of worked their way up from there. Ever wonder why you are always missing a sock when you take your clothes out of the dryer? Easy. One of their agents sneaks into your laundry room and steals it. They are in cahoots with the sock companies to help increase sales, and the sock companies repay them with occasional kickbacks.

*And now you know the truth...*

They've moved on to bigger projects now, such as the Gulf Oil spill. Working behind the scenes with BP, everyone decided it was too much trouble doing all that expensive deepwater drilling and then having to use even more expensive supertankers to transport the oil to refineries. So they came up with the idea of using the entire Gulf of Mexico as a holding tank. This makes sense, since most of the oil refineries are along the Gulf Coast anyway. Their plan is to build a big wall around the Gulf and then drop a pipeline into the center and run it directly to shore.

Sure, it will ruin the coast and kill all the wildlife, but gas prices will drop like a rock once the entire Gulf is filled to the brim. This proves the Conspiracy guys are looking out for our best interests, since we'll be able to dump those idiotic 'go green' and 'save energy' ideas in favor of driving big steel dinosaurs again.

The Birther movement, that is, the people who believe President Obama was born in Kenya rather than Hawaii - are right. But only the Conspiracy Guys know how it was actually done. Working in collusion with the creators of Star Trek, they built an experimental model of a real transporter. Obama was their first test subject. He was born in Kenya, but teleported to Queens Medical in Honolulu for a mandatory appearance in the maternity ward. Later, he was transported back to visit relatives in Kenya so they could snap baby pictures. Unfortunately, after a few back-and-forth trips for birthdays and holidays, the test model broke down, and Obama was stuck in Hawaii for good.

Perhaps their biggest project is the one regarding those skinny, bug-eyed aliens who found Earth back in 1947. After one of their scout ships crashed at Roswell, the aliens made a polite request to have the bodies returned. When the government refused, the aliens threatened to invade the Earth. Thank God for the Conspiracy guys. They stepped in between the government and the pissed-off aliens and made a sweet deal that benefits (almost) everyone.

The aliens agreed to let us keep the bodies for scientific study, in exchange for permission to snatch an occasional human for experimentation. As an added bonus for the aliens, they were allowed to set up a research station on the far side of the Moon. If you are out hiking in some remote area and a strange-looking craft drops from the sky and shines a bright light on you, don't worry. They always return you reletively unharmed.

It was all part of the deal.

Most teenagers agree that some kind of multi-activity day camp for parents might be the solution. Indeed, as another teen said: "This way, they could mix with people the same age who enjoy doing the same kinds of things, like nagging and saying they are not going to give you any money and 'What am I? A taxi?' and 'Do you want to end up washing dishes for a living?'.

I love this satirist for pieces like this

I knocked on the door of a basement apartment in a dingy hallway that smelled like old sweat socks.

A gruff voice growled through the closed door. "Who is it?"

"Peter Carlson from the United States Census Bureau."

"I already mailed in my form."

Of course he had. The kind of people who yell at census workers through locked doors always say they already mailed in their form.

Okay, many of you read part one, where i addressed a peculiar three day stretch of encounters here in the Greater Salt Lake metro. Since then, I've witnessed quite a few strange things, but most were what you might encounter on any given day...people talking to themselves, the aimless wanderers, and so on. However, over the last week, three really stood out, and one that occurred yesterday actually resulted in a physical confrontation. So, without further ado, i give you....

"Xena the Elder Warrior Princess"...I decided to walk down a different street on the way to work as is my wont on occasion. This time, it was 5th South...I'm walking alongside a popular state building/park when i hear ahead of me a peculiar fluting sound, the lilting battlecry of a certain television phenomenon, which instantly drew my attention. I looked ahead and see an older woman, somewhat emaciated and weathered, fighting an invisible opponent with (thankfully) equally invisible swords (as i imagined them, lol)...she sounding her "lalalalalalalalalalalala" as she moves in for the kill, violently mauling a rolled up piece of paper with a sound kicking. She follows it up with a second strike, then turns to address traffic at the corner, where she threatens passing creatures (cars) with her arsenal of imaginary weapons. The walk signal flashes and she crosses the street, battling for each step she takes. As she gets across, she manages to vanquish the last of her foes, turns left onto 1st east heading to 4th south, walks about 20 feet up to a tree, places both hands on the tree, and begins to commune with the trunk for some 30 seconds or so. Apparently, whatever it told her was pleasing, as she backed away smiling, put up some Bullwinkle horns, and went on her merry way a smilin' and a gigglin'....I kept going down 5th South.....

"The Singing Prisoner"....Okay, once again, I'm on the Trax on the way to work. It's early, and like most of the commuters, I'm pretty much half asleep still. The Trax stops at one of the stations, and our next case study enters. He never takes a seat, but rather remains standing near the exit. He had the classic homeless appearance working (you know it if you've ever seen it). It seems like he's in good spirits. He just is a singing away....now mind you, he doesn't have a good voice, can't quite carry a tune, doesn't really know the lyrics to the songs he's singing, and transitions from song to song mid-verse. However, the guys got charisma, and there is something to be said for that, right? Kind of like that Korean(?) guy from American Idol a few years back singing "She Bang"....you hate to hear it but can't turn it off regardless! Anyhow, on this trip, I had my bike with me, and all bikers have to stand with their bikes at the front or back of the cabs. There are however several other exits in each cab, the one closest to me being the one occupied by Mr. Manilow. We get to "Courthouse" (one of the Trax stations), sit there for a minute while people disembark and others get on, and then the train pulls out for the next station. Literally the very second the train starts moving again, our singing champ starts freaking out. Apparently, that was his stop, and even though he was literally standing at the exit the whole time we stopped, i guess he was unable to exit somehow. He starts frantically hitting the "open door" button, screaming about how this was his stop, they're holding him prisoner, help, "LET ME OFFFFFFFFFF......".Well, i guess the door was seemingly the problem for him, so he heads in my direction, still raving, looks at me, and begins insisting i get him out of here. I set my backpack down, look him in the eye, and tell him to bother somebody else. He starts to freak out again, so i simply shout "Go...Now!" He complies, but now I'm apparently his jailer and all the worlds evils are alternately caused by me, an overarching UTA (Utah Transit Authority) conspiracy, on and on. He grabs the handles on the original exit he was standing next to, starts literally trying to rip the doors open, and continues his little tirade. Moments late, we get to Gallavan Plaza station (my stop as well coincidentally), he exits, and races off down Main Street, and i assume into the horizon....

"James"....It seems quite a few of these encounters happen on the Trax, and this one is no different. This just happened on my way to work yesterday morning. So, the set-up...the seating is arranged to fit two people facing two people with an identical situation on the other side of the aisle, with about 2 feet or so between....I'm sitting facing a gentleman from Ethiopia. Across and to my left is a young white couple, and sitting diagonal to me is a Tongan lady. I'm bull@!$%#ting with the Ethiopian guy about some of the World Cup upsets and the conversation transitioned into talk of the Ark of the Covenant and it's possible resting place in Ethiopia along with the Knights Templar's alleged involvement therein. Fascinating conversation, and a rare Trax moment in my opinion. Very, very enjoyable. We get to a stop, and the Tongan lady cries out "James!" "Over here!"...well, here comes James, an average looking black guy in a white tee, somewhat disheveled, but not really noticeably so...basically just an average looking dude. Well, apparently James had quite the night out on the town and was loudly describing his many exploits, from fat cocaine rails and a crack pipe, to having his way with a woman in the middle of the street, how he don't care, he does what he wants, nobody should judge him, blah, blah, blah...it kind of killed my conversation with the cool Ethiopian guy, but i admit i thought the tale being told was at least moderately entertaining. Well, a blind guy was sitting
behind the Ethiopian, and he leaned over and politely asked if "James" would mind ceasing his story telling. His mom was getting on at the next stop, and he didn't want her to have to listen to this. Well, James didn't find this to be reasonable at all, and starts taunting the blind guy, saying such gems as "you don't know me, you can't even see me" and "i know a guy with no ears, he can't hear me at all"....makes sense, right? Well, James tells himself loudly "no, I'm not gonna say anything else", which was good, because at that point, i was getting aggravated at his complete lack of respect. Since he wasn't going to speak further though, i remained silent. At this point, the blind guy decides not to remain near "James" and moves to the back near the bikers (as i described in the last story), and at the next stop, a pregnant lady with a toddler in a stroller takes the blind mans seat. Now, the whole time, "James" is muttering to himself more and more loudly about how he's a "Street Nyogah (word changed for this article)", how he's "Hard", how he "don't play", and so on, works himself into a bit of a frenzy, leans over without looking and starts back in with "You hear me blind man, I'm a hard assed street Nyogah"...now mind you, even if blind man had still been there, this would've been beyond acceptable, but now pregnant lady and toddler are catching this crap. This is the point where i stood up and stepped towards "James" and told him he needed to shut his mouth and sit there silently..."James", Mr "Hard assed street Nyogah" tells me "@!$%# you white boy" and stands up, at which point i punched "James"" in the chest and knocked him back into his seat. At this point, i had a bit of righteous fury working, and i stood over him, telling him to sit there, and "go ahead, say something else!"..."James" says "Calm down big dog, i aint looking for no trouble (i love his use of good English grammar)"...i reply "@!$%# you, you were looking for trouble, you just didn't think you'd find it."..."James" looks down at his shoes and i tell him "@!$%# that! You're going to look at me when i'm speaking"...."James" looks back up, and i tell him that "street nyogah" is just another word for "punk assed cowardly little bitch", and proceeded to describe exactly how much of a pathetic loser he was, how no man would let me do what i was doing to him without trying to fight back, and so on (i wish i could remember everything i said, but it was a blur in the heat of the moment)...anyway, i estimate this went on for about a minute before we got to the next stop and i told "James" to get off MY train....I could see everybody else was studiously looking everywhere but at out little confrontation and there wasn't any other sound aside from the noise of the Trax themselves...Anyway, "James" exits, and as soon as the Trax start moving i hear him shout "@!$%# you white boy, you're luck"......(we moved out of earshot at that point, lol)...typical.........anyway, the Ethiopian shakes his head and says, "Man, i hate American Nyogahs...he would've been roasted over a fire back where i came from" (mind you, Ethiopian guy is literally as black as night)...we both started chuckling...........oh the Trax i tell ya'!!!!....still haven't figured out if it was me or James that qualifies as the third crazy for this article, lol!!!

Gawker:
"The Alaskan town of Wasilla is home to some pretty amazing people, like Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston. And now the town's Alaska Distillery is rolling out a new Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. The first batches were described as "greasy."........"

Good old Streeter and Amir, both employees of College Humor, have had a War of the Roses going for over a year pulling off hard core pranks on each other.

This time, however, Amir pulls a whopper on Streeter after he finds out Streeter and his new girlfriend are going to a Yankees game.

(insert evil laugh here)

Recently we got the best-ever cease and desist letter. We're no stranger to the genre, so what could possibly make this one stand out from the rest?

First, it's 12 pages long and very well-researched (except on one point); it even includes screengrabs of the offending item from our site. And we know they're not messing around because they invested in the best and brightest legal minds.

But what makes this cease and desist so very, very special is that it's for a fake product we launched for April Fool's day.