By Jeffrey Goldberg

"The crackdown by Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad against his own citizens counts as one of the most blood-soaked acts of political repression in the Middle East since his father and predecessor, Hafez al-Assad, waged his own onslaught against anti-regime activists three decades ago.

Almost 10,000 people have died in the current Syrian uprising, and each passing day brings the killing and torture of more civilians, including many children.

Some critics say the U.S. has shamed itself by not intervening aggressively on behalf of Syria’s rebels and dissidents.

They’re wrong. The Obama administration hasn’t helped to arm the rebels, nor has it created safe havens for persecuted dissidents. But it has done something far more important: It has provided the Syrian opposition with very strong language to describe Assad’s various atrocities.

The administration’s unprecedented verbal and written sorties against the Assad regime have included some of the most powerful adjectives, adjectival intensifiers and adverbs ever aimed at an American foe. This campaign has helped Syrians understand, among other things, that the English language contains many synonyms for “repulsive.”

Shock and Awe

But a crisis is fast approaching: America’s stockpile of vivid adjectives is being depleted rapidly. Some linguists of the realist camp are now arguing for restraint in the use of condemnatory word combinations. They note that the administration, in its effort to shock and awe the Assad regime with the power of its official statements and the stridency of its State Department briefings, has prematurely stripped bare its thesaurus, leaving the U.S. powerless to come to the symbolic aid of the Syrian people."

A German police force spent 25 million euros on sporty new cars then found that that not only was the visibility rubbish for chases, but the fancy seats were so narrow the cops could not get in while wearing their guns, truncheons and other equipment.

this satirist regularly cracks me up

another good satire piece from Borowitz

 I Will Always Love You!

Everybody has probably already said just about everything there is to be said about this song and Whitney Houston’s ability to belt it out like an angel.

What hasn’t been said is how challenging it is to live up to the words in the song.

Sure, if we have a “civil” split with someone our stated hope, to anyone that will listen, is that your soon to be previous love will find happiness and love in their lives.
Right, love and happiness with someone else!
Really!
How many of us are so sacrificial that we can actually let someone leave, or leave ourselves, hoping they find all that you were unable, or unwilling to offer, in the arms of someone else.
Wow, this is asking for a lot from mere mortal man.

Is it just me that harbors those wild and crazy thoughts that she will come back just because I will always love her, or are other people equally crazy?
Does she actually care what I am feeling?
Does she think of me at all?
Wasn’t it me that turned on that song, between tears, when she was packing up to search for the rest of her life?

Now, on top of everything else, I have the capacity to look in her window, thanks to Facebook, and see just how happy she has become without me.

Well Whitney, I guess on balance it was all worthwhile!

I’ll try harder.

Thanks for coming this way and leaving your incredible song behind. You said it way better than Dylan…

Press "CC" for video subtitles

(Text link to video)

Article: Israeli TV ad humor presses Iran's buttons

The advertisement for the Hot cable company stars the cast of "Asfour" -- a wildly successful Israeli show recently sold to an American production company for adaptation -- in the Iranian city of Isfahan, home to a uranium conversion plant and the site of a blast in November.

One of the four characters -- dressed as women -- dabs some sun-screen on his face. "You know how much radiation they have here?" he asks as his friends raise their eyebrows. The actors stumble upon an Israeli Mossad agent cooling his heels in Iran, watching "Asfour" episodes on his tablet computer, a service feature that Hot advertises.

"Hey, what's this app?" one of them asks as he pokes the touch-screen. A massive explosion behind them answers his question. The blast is met with the line: "Just another mysterious explosion in Iran."

(Read it all)

Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton has begun transforming her diplomatic corp’s global network of embassies and consulates into the world’s largest International House of Pancakes chain.

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i103612 

“Let’s face it, there are major problems in every nation in which we maintain a US presence,” Clinton told a stunned press conference. “And we don’t have the slightest clue about solving any of them. Hell, we’re having enough trouble keeping our own government afloat.”

The satellite Amos 5, operated by the Israeli company Spacecom, has been launched into space from Kazakhstan on Sunday. The apparatus is meant to expand the company's services to Africa, as well as Europe and the Middle East.

Amos 5 was produced by the Russian company NPO PM, and cost $157 million. It is the biggest of Spacecom's satellites and is the only not to be produced by the Israel Aerospace Industries.

The satellite joins Spacecom's Amos 2 and 3, which are already operational in space. Amos 4 is currently under construction, and is scheduled to be launched in 2012. Amos 6 is expected to be space-ready in 2014.

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM A VERY IMPORTANT COLUMNIST FROM A VERY IMPORTANT NEWSPAPER: According to Tom Friedman, it turns out that the Israel Lobby didn’t buy and pay for these crop circles after all; they merely “engineered” them. Which makes perfect sense, what with all the engineering that goes into creating these suckers.

About the Author

Zionist Shark (not his real name) is just your average evil Zionist Shark, exposing the moral imbecility of the anti-Israel feeding frenzy. He also blogs at Jumping the Zionist Shark.

Hat tip: Chasing

(Text link to video is HERE)

Don't expect anyone at AB of Seattle to shed a tear on the death of Tiny Kim, the dictator (we HATE that word) of North Korea. We've been around the block with him a few times. He's threatened the U.S. with nuke strikes, starved his own people, and though he allowed cell phones for a while, he pulled the plug after discovering you could go on the internet with them.

North Korea in Pictures - a stunning look at the world of North Korea by the Boston Globe. How that reporter got out alive with those pictures is beyond our understanding.

North Korea Prepares for Missile Test, and Boy Am I Worried - Cartoons and satire poking fun at North Korea's pathetic missile program. Possible subtitle: Our Rockets Always Blow Up, by Tom Wolfe.

North Korea's Pathetic Saber-Rattling Society - In this one, we give you the straight scoop on life in the NK and some of the strange habits of their late Big Brother-type leader, the illustrious Kim.

Is the world better off without a guy whose people were so hungry at one point they had to eat grass?

We think so.

OTTAWA, ON—At a press conference today in Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced a sweeping new peace plan for Canada and the United States. The plan, which is based on the pre-1776 borders, is part and parcel of his effort to break the stalemate between the two countries.

Clearly in recent years, the peace process has faltered,” Harper stated. “But by agreeing to return to the Colonial borders between Canada and the U.S., I hope to set us on a path to lasting peace.”

[Note: This is satire]

Along the lines of the Mossad-trained sharks that attacked swimmers off the Egyptian coast, and the distribution of chewing gum that prevents fertility to Gazans, yet a new Zionist Plot has come to light.

It is well known that Israeli scientists have invented medical breakthroughs to benefit the world, and one of the best to benefit the world has just been created.  A new drug has been developed, called “Ziodine”, that is being injected by Israeli doctors into Muslim babies that undergo heart operations and all Palestinians who undergo medical treatment in Israeli hospitals.  The effect of Ziodine is to reconfigure the brain cells of the recipients to make them desirous of becoming Zionists, and to reject all of the education with which they have been, are, and will throughout their lives be taught to hate Jews generally and Israelis in particular.  The effect seems to be irreversible.

The plot came to light when a Palestinian neurosurgeon was called in on an autopsy after a Palestinian was executed because of selling his property to an Israeli.  The coroner could see that the brain of the deceased had an unusual configuration, which prompted him to have the neurosurgeon view the brain by means of a CT scan and with a magnifying glass, and its cells with a microscope.  An analysis of the brain indicated that its cells took on the odd shape of Mogen Dovids, which the neurosurgeon had never encountered in any of the Palestinian brains he had previously seen. 

The Israeli government and Mossad flatly denied any knowledge of this matter, but a Palestinian doctor working in an Israeli hospital leaked the matter to Ha’aretz, and since Ha’aretz publishes anything that can possibly vilify and demonize Israel it was to be a headline, which the government was able to stifle.

Apparently the formula for Ziodine contains a large percentage of kosher chicken soup, a little selzer water, and a bissle Manishevitz red wine, along with other unidentified ingredients.  Palestinian scientists are presently trying to make a complete analysis of the formula to see if they can come up with anything that can counteract its potent effect. 

Israeli newspapers on Sunday were thick with innuendo, the front pages of the three largest dailies dominated by variations on the headline "Mysterious Explosion in Iranian Missile Base." Turn the page, and the mystery is answered with a wink. "Who Is Responsible for Attacks on the Iranian Army?

I just heard wind of a plan by UK politicians to push their clocks forward and I am very much against it. Supposedly, the plan calls for all clocks in the UK to be moved forward exactly 2.5 seconds ahead after an elite team of second graders figured out that their classroom clocks were slower than their mickey mouse watches. The issue was taken to a handful of scientists, who discovered that the two and a half second difference would cure AIDS, save their economy trillions of dollars every year, and bring forth the second coming of Jesus. On top of that all, it would save energy and help the Earth's polar bears.

Let me tell you, all of this stuff is great, but I am advocating not for the UK as a whole, but for the millions of high school students who would have their entire sleep schedule thrown off. Forcing these kids to wake up two and a half seconds early would cause their grades to fall dramatically. Because of this, many would turn to substance abuse, causing their grades to slip even lower and for social skills to nose dive, which would in turn would rid the students of all but their most primitive characteristics, such as playing Xbox, sleeping, and eating. Those two and a half seconds of sleep are worth more than any benefits this time switch can offer.

We cannot let this happen to the glorious United Kingdom. That's my opinion. What's yours, do you support or oppose the proposed UK time switch?

John Oliver and Aasif Mandvi go on location to dispute their claims to a certain sacred territory.

A MANUAL FOR ISRAEL-DEMONIZERS, ZIONIST-BASHERS AND RUN-OF-THE-MILL ANTI-SEMITES

I just read a seed entitled  “The Zionist Roots Of The 'War On Terror' Israel's Policy Of 'Covert Aggression'”  and the links given there, and it’s all so true.  Let me explain:

It was the Israelis who, when the UN passed the partition resolution in 1948, invaded the surrounding Arab countries with the goal of colonizing the whole Middle East, but unfortunately their aggression was defeated by the peaceful humble altruistic Arab states that were all caught by surprise by this Israeli desire to rule the world.  After all, the Zionists already owned the USA, all of the media, the banks and Hollywood, but their greed was unsatisfied.  Everything that the descendants of Ishmael possessed was the birthright of the descendants of Isaac so they intended to get it all, and more, right?  Then think of the 1967 war when Israel secretly planned to attack Syria, Egypt, Jordan and other Arab nations.  The Israelis massed their tanks and armies on the borders with soldiers trained and ready for the attack, and the Israeli generals were heard to say "We will destroy those surrounding nations, and push them all into the sea"  "We are prepared to annihilate all of those peacenik Arabs".  The constitution of Israel reads, and they refuse to withdraw it, that the intention of Israel as a first step is to defeat and colonize Lebanon, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Egypt besides all of Samaria and Judea, along with Gaza, where those nations only want to live in peace and not bother anyone outside of their respective borders. 

But that’s not the sneakiest dirtiest war of them all.  The worst one was during 1973 when the Israelis waited for the holiest day of Ramadan and pulled off a sneak attack on the surrounding Arab nations on that day when they knew that they would all be at prayer – absolutely no morality in their bones.  As you know, the Zionists have no respect for the sanctity of life, and believe that to become a martyr to the cause will bring them everlasting life in heaven with all the gold and diamonds they could count in their lifetime along with vacations in Miami Beach and as many pastrami sandwiches they could possibly eat.

But why should they stop there?  After all, as you know, Jews proselytize and try their best to convert people of all other religions to Judaism, to form a world wide caliphate, oops, I mean Judaism, so that they never have to fear anti-Semitism again.  The men in the black hats, beards and earlocks go from door-to-door handing out pamphlets urging conversion to Judaism.  They abduct gentile dhildren and keep them in tough-love camps to brainwash them. The Zionists published a treatise called “The Protocols of the Elders of Goyim” full of blood libels and other fabrications to promote hatred of anyone not Jewish” and not only that, a whole army of Rabbi-Doctors were trained to circumsize by force every uncircumsized male (without anesthetic), and experienced Kosher chefs were prepared to train every gentile woman to stay in the kitchen and learn to cook the “K-rations: kugel, knishes, knaidlach, kasha, kreplach and kishka.

The true intention of the Zionists became well known by the rest of the world when Noah Chorsky published, with the assistance of Mahgood Ahmajerkandbad and Norman Finkelberg, a manifesto called “Mine Shlogn Zikh” (Yiddish for “my fight”, which in German would be translated as “Mein Kampf”) that told unbelievable lies and libels about Arabs in order to build as much hatred of them as possible throughout the world. 

So BEWARE, the gentiles among you.  Today Israel, tomorrow the world (which is repeated to the strains of “Yisroel Uber Alles”).

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THIS ARTICLE IS SARCASM AND SATIRE AND IS POSTED AS HUMOUR ONLY.  THEREFORE, ANY CoH OR UA OFFENCE WILL BE DELETED OUT OF HAND. 

Oh those clever Israelis who make up Latma, the comedy troupe that brought us "We Con the World."

Now they've taken on the Palestinian statehood issue with "Somebody to Hate" to the tune of Queen's classic "Someone to Love."

BTW, for those who keep their eyes tightly shut, this is called satire.  Enjoy.

(Found on American Thinker; thank you).

TRIPOLI (The Borowitz Report) – In an all-out effort to capture Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, rebels fanned out across the country today dressed as former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Donning bright pink pantsuits and black pumps, the fifteen thousand rebels blanketed the Middle Eastern nation, hoping to create a honey trap of sorts for Mr. Gaddafi, whose unrequited crush on Secretary Rice has come to light in recent days.

PENGUINALAND: Thousands upon thousands of penguins stormed the capitol today as the battle over Antarctica came to a close, in a 5 month effort to get rid of the long-standing Emperor's rule. Penguins could be seen hurling ice bombs at each other, firing fish grenades, and singing off-key in an effort to wrestle the city out of the grip of the evil dictator's regime. Some danced wildly and drank imported beers, while others, more focused on the task at hand, blasted their way block by block to the city's center.

The emperor, King Fishyouttawatah II has ruled for seven months, the longest any dictator has ruled in the history of Penguinaland. Casting his iron grip over the continent, rebellions have spread to every corner, gradually weakening his control. At one point, the regime seemed almost on its knees, then in a change of tides, the rebellion appeared to be crushed. NATO then stepped in in an effort to melt the ice, making it harder for the emperor's regime to fight the loosely-organized rebels. For months, no advancements occurred, and the fighting reached a deadlock. Only after months did the rebels launch a new offensive, throwing rotten fish at the emperor's forces, and finally bringing the land under their control.

The rebel fighters are still battling it out with the remnants of the regime's army, which has mostly defected to the rebellion as of 4PM Jupiter time. Other reports have mentioned a sea lion or two, however no roars were to be heard in the capitol today. The emperor himself is in hiding, though most believe him to be somewhere around Penguinaland. 

More updates to come, for now this is LeafyDebater for Newsvine.com.

i love this satirist

Apologies to all who have 'lost everything,' but this is too funny …

YouTube removed the video. Go to:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6477219/remix-e-trade-baby-loses-everything

None other than Pulp Fiction'sJules Winnfield himself, Samuel L. Jackson, has narrated the audiobook, covering a range of emotions and inflections while mustering all the Jacksonian menace you might expect. 

Listen to it HERE

Just watch.....

Here we go!

~~~

10. Jehovah's Witnesses

9. Give 'em tequila to drink instead of water

8. Tell them that the Martians need their services.

7. Invite them to a winner-takes-all match of COD

6. Jamaican party, anyone?

5. Kill them all, duh.

4. Call off the game of hide-and-seek

3. Give them fireworks to launch, instead of missiles

2. New reality show: Pakistan's next top suicide bomber...

~~~

1. Give Sarah Palin a big ass gun, a helicopter, and a map of Pakistan.

posted to the daily show group

posted to the daily show group

I love this satirist for pieces like this

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today.

The Berlin-based, left-leaning Tageszeitung (TAZ) rated the killing as "a bit too 'wild West.'" At the time of his death, the TAZ said, bin Laden had greater significance as "an odd pop icon, a product of our projections" than as a threat to international security.

First of the satire pieces based on the weekend's news

good satire

heh - good satire

posted to the daily show group

I love this satirist for pieces like this

______________________

Disclaimer: In case anyone read this (lol), it is intended purely as a joke. The photograph is a fabrication, & Hillary's eyes were not red. (The author of this piece is a big fan of Hillary's.)

I love this satirist for pieces like this

TRIPOLI (Beagle Beat) A spokesperson for the lobbying group Koch Companies Public Sector LLC revealed that the Koch Brothers have opened an office in Tripoli to advise the Libyan leader and his family on how to deal with a few disgruntled demonstrators, as reported by FOX News.

When asked by a journalist why the brothers would want to advise Gaddafi, the spokesperson deflecting the question said, “You say, Gaddafi, we say Qaddafi. Sometimes we way Kadafi. Although sometimes we also say Gadafy or Gadhafi. Informally we might say Moammar. Then again, we also call him Muammar.”

“So, which of his 112 variations of Libyan colonel do the Koch Brothers use when addressing the dictator?” continued the reporter.

“They just call him K-Daffy; it’s easier for the brothers to spell and remember, don’t you know,” the spokesperson explained.

BENGHAZI, Libya (Beagle Beat) Defiant Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar Gaddafi asked one of his sons, Seif al-Islam el-Qaddafi, before delivering another television diatribe, whom to blame for the current protests.

“Let’s see pop,” said Seif. “So far we have blamed the violence on drunk and drugged students, Western society induced hallucinogenic drugs, Turkey, the United States, Wikileaks, our own military, Osama bin Laden and menopausal women. There isn’t much left.”

“Don’t say pop in my presence,” said Maummar. “I automatically go crazy and duck.”

“I’m sorry, I never know when you’re not crazy,” Seif said. “I recommend blaming tailors this time around, because people always make fun of your outfits.”

“Good idea,” said the self-proscribed future Emperor of Africa, King of Kings and the Lion King, as turned to the television camera. “I’m ready for my close-up.”

this satirist strikes again

i love this satirist

love this satirist

(More satire . . . from The Onion):

"TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nation's bird population.

A shower of wankers is responsible for the Irish banking crisis. A true f-ing tragedy is happening in Ireland today. Before you get complacent in America.......you may be next.

Anonymous meets Wikileaks (cartoon)

Violent clashes during student protests against university tuition fee changes in the UK have been halted by a pioneering peacemaker with a dictionary.

i love this satirist

As anyone who has been following the news recently can attest, there is very little positive that can be said about the war in Afghanistan. Recent leaks to the media have given the public a glimpse of the sort of hellish realities and demoralizing intelligence that I have to deal with day in and day out. The grim truth is that the Taliban is at its strongest point since the invasion, al-Qaeda is on the rise along the border, and the nation's American-backed government remains mired in corruption and failure. To put it frankly, the U.S. campaign in Afghanistan may be a lost cause.

That is, unless Central Command gets a pinball machine.

For the past several years, our Joint Intelligence Center has pored through the daily stream of raw intel coming in from our troops on the ground, searching for a way to turn the military tide in our favor. And while there are rarely any easy answers in war, we have discovered that in this case there is: pinball. Or rather, a full-size pinball machine that we could put right between the soda dispenser and the projection screen.

All we'd have to do is move the file cabinet over a foot or two. Pinball machines don't even cost that much, seriously, I checked. If you get one used they're like a couple thousand dollars, tops.

If the press is going to be crazy... then why not at least be FUNNY!!

"

If Europe has one defining cultural characteristic, it is that it has none. This may sound like too neat a paradox, but it's not that far from the truth. There is not a single state, language, religion or ethnicity that even comes close to dominating the continent as a whole - although at least one in each category at some point in history had the pretension to try

Gawker:
"Newly graduated members of India's paramilitary Central Industrial Security Force mug for the camera today in Hyderabad. The force is tasked with guarding nuclear installations and power plants"

but THIS is my favorite satire this week (just seeded two others)

The planned "ultra-mosque" will be a staggering 5,600ft tall – more than five times higher than the tallest building on Earth – and will be capped with an immense dome of highly-polished solid gold, carefully positioned to bounce sunlight directly toward the pavement, where it will blind pedestrians and fry small dogs.

Satire from The Onion

Gawker:
"It's real. The Saudi government is currently building an enormous clock tower in Mecca, set to Arabia Standard Time, that they hope will overshadow the Greenwich Observatory as the true center of the world's time. Yes. Arab Muslims: Time Thieves.............................."

Gawker:
"Yesterday, Israeli forces attempted to cut down a tree on the country's border with Lebanon, and it resulted in the deadliest clash between the two countries in years. Tonight, Jon Stewart opined on the controversy, criticizing Israel in the process....................."

I love this satirist for pieces like this

Tony Hayward, and friends, love their oil!

OK, so there's clearly more important news out there, but when BBC News ran the headline "Parasailing donkey stunt sparks police inquiry," we wondered what mischief might be afoot. Turns out it concerned yet another genius advertising idea gone horribly awry. We now return to our regular programming. (Video below the excerpt.) —KA

Satire by the Onion.

Shouldnt be funny but it is - good satire

I love this satirist

"Ahmedido Domingo (aka Ahmadinejad), Erdogano Pavarotti (aka Erdogan) and Assad Carreras (aka Bashar Assad) singing about the benefits of terrorism.

Love this satirist

After it got over 3 million hits in barely a week, YouTube has removed the Latma parody video, "We Con the World," a satirical musical portrayal of the true intentions of the Turkish-Hamas 'love boat' captain, crew and passengers. Flotilla participants explain how they can con the world.

Ever since Alex Bryce was a boy, he has dreamed of participating in a TV marathon. Now, at age 26, he is days from making that dream a reality.

This weekend's Sanford And Son marathon on TV Land is the ultimate test of a watcher's endurance, and Bryce plans to watch the entire 48-hour event, which comprises 96 half-hour episodes with two-minute commercial checkpoints at 11-minute intervals.

Anaconda, Canada – Chicago Blackhawk’s third string goalie Bud “Bloody Buddy” Davis returned home today to dedicate the new state of the art 2000 seat Boys Club indoor hockey rink on Mission Street. "It's truly amazing,” the member of the 2010 Stanley Cup winning team noted, “that a small town like Anaconda, way out here on the shores of the Arctic Sea, could raise a young man like myself who goes on to become a member of Stanley Cup Championship team. It’s even more amazing that our Anaconda Boys Club raised the funds necessary to build a beautiful indoor hockey rink like this," said Mr. Davis. "And I personally would like to thank the members of my old Boys Club who donated the money from their treasury. They made all this possible. As everyone knows, this beautiful rink was funded from the annual sale of the skins of Harp seals which the boys club to death each year, no pun intended. I do remember those days well myself. It sure brings fond memories. So, my congratulations goes out to the local Boys Club."

Mr. Davis continued, "You know, my Blackhawk teammates back in Chigago told me this rink was built by an German company. But back in my day we used to just turn on the faucet to flood the school parking lot. Overnight it would freeze and we’d have our hockey rink. Times certainly have changed, haven't they? One day soon," he said, "I hope we'll be able to figure our how those Germans got such a huge piece of ice through the doors, and we'll be able to build these ourselves. It really is a miracle if you ask me"

Our Anaconda mayor Pierre Winty, in introducing the Mr. Davis, reminded those on hand that ‘little’ Buddy Davis loved playing hockey as a child. "Most people are unaware that the he came from a very poor family," said the Mayor. "As a matter of fact I remember his parent couldn't even afford skates, so he played hockey in his bare feet. That’s how he earned his childhood nickname “Bloody Buddy. That’s how much little Buddy loved hockey. I think there is probably more than one lesson in that for all of us.”

The mayor also mentioned his desire that more people might now move to Anaconda. "What with all the publicity from Buddy’s return to his home town, and with the completion of the new Boys Club Hockey Rink, it is now our fervent hope that new families will move to our area and that we might actually field two hockey teams instead of one. This is the boys dream of course, that they have an opposing team, as they have grown quite tired of winning by a thousand points or more."

Gawker:
"After the world collectively shrieked with horror at two-year-old smoking baby Ardi Rizal, the parents of this three-year-old Chinese tot thought to themselves, "Hey, we've got a smoking baby. Ours is a boozehound, too." Self-destructing babies: Your ticket to fame.............................."

We've been given to understand that you intend to stage another media stunt, wherein you're again going to float some empty ships – they may be full this time, they were mostly empty last time – in the general direction of the Gaza Strip. Your hope is apparently that your cameramen will capture the Israeli reaction and edit it into an overreaction or, failing that, simply reprint your feverish fantasies with slack-jawed credulity. Again.

I love this satirist

I love this satirist for pieces like this

Earth is in a mad dash to clean up the planet after God called to announce that he will be returning early from his vacation this weekend. Said God, “I’ll be there on Sunday, and the place had better be spotless.” Since leaving on vacation six thousand years ago, God said he had been staying with his uncle Horace at his beach house but, “Uncle Horace hinted he wants me to pose nude for him. I might not be the brightest star in the sky, but even I know what that means. I think its high time I returned home.”

Said Finland of Europe, “Let’s face it, all of us figured 2012 would be the earliest before God returned. I’ve got rusted old Volvo’s sitting out behind the barn and glaciers to make. If I can’t clean this place up, and quick, there’ll be holy hell to pay.”

Russia said she would repaint Chernobyl, the radioactive mound of rubbish covered in cement, in a nice shade of camouflaged green in the hope that God won’t notice it or the nearby flying pigs. Said Russia, “If He don’t ask about it I’m not gonna say nothing. If He does mention it I've got a plan. I’m gonna look Him right in the eyes and say, See, this is what happens when you go on vacation. Make Him feel guilty for a change.”

Mexico, chief gardener of the planet, posted his resignation upon arrival of the news. “Listen up gringos, I’m on to you and I’m not taking the rap. Hasta la vista, baby'.”

This same scenario is being carried out across the entire planet as nation after nation scrambles to clean up from the parties thrown in God’s absence. The United States, which threw the biggest party that lasted almost a hundred years was quoted as saying, “If He asks about that huge oil slick in the Gulf I’m gonna tell him I didn’t do it, that it was an act of Himself. My best hope is if He didn’t bring a change of clothes. He's won't want to get what He's wearing covered in oil checking things out for Himself. Wouldn't be seemly. Besides, I’m glad God is coming back. I’m tired of playing God. You just don't get no respect.”

excerpt:"LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Although a revolutionary Islamist Jihad has been ongoing against the United States for more than a decade—involving thousands of attacks—and the Afghan Taliban announced that it was behind the Times Square attack, many observers seem to find it hard to understand what might be going on.

I love this satirist for pieces like this.

In August of last year, a Saudi law firm brought legal action against all the Danish newspapers that published the Mohammed cartoons. It was a blatant probe of the infidel system of defenses, using lawfare to breach the virtual walls of Danish society in order to inflict maximum damage on the culture that dared to insult the prophet.

Gawker:"An armada of small ships set off from Dover to rescue Britons stranded in France by the Icelandic volcano. But the French seem to have forgotten the unity of WW2 and have denied the ships entry into its ports."

"It's been a crazy past few years. We've seen gas prices hit all-time highs, been hit by major and catastrophic weather disasters, and watched as banks and major financial institutions disappear overnight in the midst of what appears to be an actual, real-life economic depression. Our stable, comfortable lives suddenly don't seem so stable any more.

Here are 10 things you can do to improve your chances of riding out a major disaster without looking like a total lunatic. If you get all 10 of these items checked off, let me know so I can come crash at your place when aliens attack.

The Onion strikes again!

Warning-- nsfw language.

"President Obama! President Obama," said the aide in a cheery voice as he entered the Oval Office, "we just heard that Prime Minister Netanyahu is going to stop all construction in Jerusalem and give in to all your demands!"

If you use Facebook or Twitter in Canada, you probably caught this viral advertisement, subtly titled "Size Doesn't Matter," last month.

Girl [peering down the camera's frame]: Uhhh...

Boy: What?

Girl: Don't be mad. But it's small.

Boy: It's small?!

Girl: I just ... I don't know if I can go there.

Boy: I consider this a spot of worship. It may be small, but it's brought the driest places to life. Baby, this is paradise!

The Danish paper Politiken has "apologised" for reprinting the famous cartoons of Mohammed after complaints from a number of Muslim groups. The paper re-published the cartoons in 2008 along with other Danish papers in solidarity after another attempt on the life of one of the cartoonists, Kurt Westergaard.

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in Haiti, the local government is holding 10 Baptists from the United States who tried to take dozens of children across the border to the Dominican Republic, as CBS News correspondent Bill Whitaker reports.

Thirty-three Haitian children, from two months to 12 years in age, are safe tonight in a Port-au-Prince orphanage, recovering from what authorities here call a child trafficking scheme.

The Americans, most from two churches in Idaho, say they were trying to save children orphaned by the earthquake. Some of the children tell a different story.

"An elder girl, she might be eight or nine years old, told us crying, 'I am not an orphan. I do have parents. I thought I was going to boarding school or to summer camp,'" Willeit recalled

The Americans, most from two churches in Idaho, say they were trying to save children orphaned by the earthquake. Some of the children tell a different story.

"An elder girl, she might be eight or nine years old, told us crying, 'I am not an orphan. I do have parents. I thought I was going to boarding school or to summer camp,'" Willeit recalled

The secret formula is unlocked by the Guardian's Charlie Brooker.

Here's the clip:

I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Love this satirist for pieces like this